Key Takeaways
- Toxic friends only focus on themselves and make you feel worse after interactions.
- Toxic friends often criticize you, share your secrets, or create drama.
- Cutting off toxic friends can improve your mental health.
Friendships can be one of our greatest sources of joy in life, giving us outlets for our thoughts and feelings and making us feel seen and cared for. Quality friendships are important to our overall wellness, increasing our satisfaction in our lives.
On the other hand, friendships can also be a huge source of stress, particularly when what you give and what you get don’t align. That impacts our health negatively, as much as great relationships do positively.
The word “toxic” is thrown around a lot these days, used as an insult whenever a person disapproves of someone else’s behavior. But the truth is that some friendships are, indeed, toxic. “Toxic behaviors are ways of acting that demean or gaslight others and generally make them feel bad about themselves and your relationship,” says Dr. Patrice Le Goy.
How can you tell if you’re in a toxic friendship, and what should you do about it? Here are the signs to look out for.
How Can You Tell If a Friend Is Toxic?
If you can relate to the below, you might be friends with someone who could be considered toxic.
They Behave Selfishly
Le Goy explains that “toxic friends may only focus on themselves and their needs, and do not ask about you or ensure your needs are met.” This is pretty straightforward: How much time in each hangout or call is spent on them, rather than you? Life in general should be 50:50 with friends, not always focused on one person or the other.
They’re Critical of You
Do you feel like whenever you talk to your friend, they have something negative to say about you? This could be criticism of your behavior, your appearance, your relationship, your performance at work, your family, or any other element of your life. Friends are meant to uplift you, not cause you to worry you aren’t good enough.
They’re Too Competitive
Friendship isn’t meant to have a winner! Rather, the point of friendship is support, and friends should want you to do well. If your friend behaves jealously when you tell them good news you’ve received, or if they constantly point out areas where they are doing better in life, those are toxic behaviors.
They Bring You Down
“You know you have a toxic friend if you notice that every time you interact with them, you feel worse than you did before,” Le Goy says. This could happen because they’re critical, or manipulative, or compete with you. Whatever the reason, if you walk away from your interactions feeling worse instead of better, there’s a problem.
They Manipulate You
Friends shouldn’t guilt one another into activities, and they should prioritize your needs as much as their own. You shouldn’t leave a hangout feeling like you’ve done things you didn’t want to just to please your friend. When you point out their manipulation to them, if they tell you you’re wrong or crazy, they may be gaslighting you. That’s a toxic trait too.
They Can’t Be Trusted
Your secrets should be kept by your friends, and you shouldn’t have to worry about that. “They may share your secrets or gossip about you with other friends. If you don’t feel that you can trust someone or that they want the best for you, they are likely a toxic friend,” explains Le Goy.
The Drama Never Stops
Is there always something going on with your friend, particularly centered around how someone has wronged or is wronging them? Toxic friends take the drama with them wherever they go. This kind of self-centeredness could also be a sign of narcissism.
They’re Insincere
Maybe your friend admits when they wrong you, but you don’t feel like their apology is genuine. Or maybe when they do have something nice to say to you, your instincts tell you they don’t really mean it. They might just be saying something nice because they want something from you. Pay attention to your friend’s actions, not just their words.
They’re Unreliable
You should be able to count on your friends. If someone flakes on you, isn’t available when you need to talk about something going on in your life, and only seems to be available when they need you, you may be dealing with a toxic friend.
Obviously, everyone has their own stuff to worry about, but true friends are willing to sacrifice some of their own time and attention in your time of need, just as you would do for them.
They Isolate You
A toxic friend may try to create distance between you and the other relationships in your life. This can be done by criticizing your partner, spreading gossip about your friends, or even speaking negatively about your coworkers. A toxic friend will do this so that you become more reliant on them, and therefore more stuck in the friendship.
Wait, Could the Toxic Friend Be Me?
Of course, before we decide our friend is the problem we should be sure that’s the case. “Generally, it is easier to notice the faults in other people, rather than recognizing areas we ourselves can improve,” says Le Goy. Because of this, you should take a moment to reflect on whether your friend is toxic or you are—as difficult as that may be.
Le Goy explains that the most straightforward way to do that is to reflect on the other relationships in your life, outside of this one. “A good way to recognize if you are the problem or if it is the other person is to consider how healthy your other relationships are. If you generally have positive, trusting relationships and only major issues with one person, they are likely the issue” she suggests.
If you find that most of your friendships are brief in duration, end on bad terms, or remain on the surface level altogether, you may be the one exhibiting toxic behavior.
If you are being honest with yourself, and recognize that all of your relationships except this one are healthy and fulfilling—and you feel content with them—your first thought was probably right, and your friend is the toxic one, not you.
How Toxic Friendships Can Impact Our Mental Health
It should be no surprise that toxic friendships are bad for us and can cause us harm. “Toxic friendships can be so damaging to our mental health,” says Le Goy. She notes that humans are hardwired to seek connection and close relationships with supporting, loving people.
She says that even once we know our friendship is toxic, we still might hang on to it. We might feel loyal to our friend because they were decent in the past, or perhaps they’ve manipulated us into thinking that no one will have our backs as well as they do—even if their version of that isn’t as great as they make it sound.
Staying in a toxic friendship is the wrong choice, even if leaving it feels like it would be very challenging. “The constant bombardment of negativity in toxic friendships can lead to depression, anxiety, and doubts about our self-worth,” says Le Goy.
How to Deal With Toxic Friends
Fair warning: Dealing with a toxic friend is not likely to go smoothly. The fact that your friend has already exhibited significant enough toxic behavior for you to want to end the friendship means that they probably aren’t going to take any actions well. Whether you try to confront them or straight up distance yourself from the relationship, they’re unlikely to let this go quietly.
“You may hope to end the friendship in an open and honest way, but that is not always possible,” says Le Goy. She explains, “for example, if your friend is a narcissist, they may be unwilling to accept that they are the problem and they may even try to charm their way back into your good graces. Other types of toxic friends may attempt to turn others against you.”
Knowing that it may be hard doesn’t mean you should remain inactive. You may want to end the relationship, or you may wish to give your friend a chance to make amends first. Whichever approach you take, be protective of your emotional wellness.
If you know that your friend doesn’t always have your best interest at heart, be sure to keep that in mind as you move through this process.
Confronting a toxic friend about their behavior gives them an opportunity to improve, should you feel they deserve one, and cutting one out of your life makes space for your other, more loving friends to be closer to you. “You owe yourself the space to develop safe and healthy friendships more than you owe a toxic friend multiple opportunities to treat you poorly,” says Le Goy.
What to do if your friend doesn’t own up to their behavior? “If they don’t respect your decision to end the relationship, then you may have to accept that and move on without closure. Also, not respecting your decision might be the confirmation that you need that the friendship is toxic,” she says.
Life is hard enough with great friends, let alone bad ones, and having friends who bring you down simply isn’t worth your time or energy. With these tips, you can move forward to migrate away from the toxic behaviors of others, and have more room for friends who will treat you with kindness and love.
