Key Takeaways
- Forgive your partner quickly to move forward and avoid holding grudges.
- Communicate openly with your partner every day to foster intimacy.
- Make time for regular date nights to keep the romance alive.
Marriage takes work, and it isn’t always easy. It takes effort to protect, nurture, and grow a marriage. Between work schedules, children, and other obligations, sometimes it can seem impossible to maintain that partnership.
When problems arise, some couples find it healthier to divorce and go their separate ways. For others, it’s a better choice to work on the relationship.
Commit to Your Relationship
When times get tough, it isn’t uncommon for people to start thinking that the grass might be greener on the other side. However, toying with the idea that you might be better off outside of your marriage can put a major strain on your relationship—even if you never voice those thoughts.
Ruminating about what your life might be like outside of your marriage can make it harder to commit to your relationship. It can also leave you feeling less motivated to try to improve your marriage.
To combat the risk to your relationship, decide ahead of time that divorce is not an option. Making the commitment will help you focus on making your partnership stronger rather than thinking about what life might be like outside your marriage.
Forgive Quickly
Marriages often begin to fall apart when one person is holding a grudge. Research has shown that feeling contempt toward your partner almost always festers and can lead to divorce if it’s never resolved.
“Forgiving is one of the most important and also one of the most difficult things for couples to do,” says Aura De Los Santos, a clinical and educational psychologist at NCHC.
Aura De Los Santos, clinical and educational psychologist
When couples forgive each other, they can move forward because forgiveness is a window that allows them to look to the future and not get stuck in the situations that caused them pain.
— Aura De Los Santos, clinical and educational psychologist
Try to forgive your partner as quickly as possible. Remember that forgiveness is just as much a gift you give yourself. Holding a grudge takes up mental and emotional space and almost always impacts your health and stress levels.
Be Willing to Apologize
If you have wronged your partner, sincerely apologize and ask for their forgiveness. Listen to what they have to say and try to understand why they are upset. Let them know you will work on how to do things differently in the future.
Honor and Respect Your Partner
People inevitably change over time. Understanding, appreciating, and adapting to those changes is critical for any relationship. Start by making a list of your partner’s best qualities to remind yourself of the wonderful person you married. This exercise will help you remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.
It also helps to vocalize how much you appreciate your partner’s quirks and eccentricities.
Let your partner know every day—through compliments or thank-yous—that you appreciate all that they do.
These little expressions are like deposits in the bank. You don’t want to make withdrawals from your marriage without ever making any deposits. So, be sure you are doing things that honor your partner for who they are.
Communicate Regularly
In the age of smartphones, Netflix, and work-from-home lifestyles, it’s easy to get distracted. You might find that you often go days without having a real conversation with your spouse.
Constant communication allows couples to express their feelings and not hold grudges. Many times, grudges originate because one of the parties feels that their partner does not listen to them and minimizes their feelings.
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AURA DE LOS SANTOS, CLINICAL AND EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST
Communicating openly about your life, interests, dreams, frustrations, and feelings is an important way to foster intimacy in a relationship.
It’s also crucial that you also listen to your partner voice their thoughts. It can be helpful to set aside 30 minutes each day—free from interruptions or distractions—where you can talk.
Share Financial Expectations
Many marriages are fraught with disagreements over finances. Couples often bring different expectations about money to a relationship. Each partner can find it difficult to see the financial situation from the other person’s perspective.
Agreeing about how your money will be handled is a critical component of a successful marriage. Agree on a budget, an approach to debt, and make a plan to live within your limits.
It’s also important to differentiate between needs and wants. While both are legitimate, couples can face problems if they try to fulfill all their wants without considering their budget.
Incorporate some flexibility in your budget to allow for entertainment, gifts, vacations, and other activities that will strengthen your marriage.
Give Each Other Space
One of the hardest things to balance in a marriage is the right amount of time to spend together. Too much can feel like smothering, while too little can be interpreted as inattentive.
When your partner needs space or a night out with friends, offer to watch the kids or run errands to ensure they can get that time. On the other hand, you also want to make time to spend with your partner. If babysitting issues or financial constraints make that difficult, plan a fun, cost-effective date night at home.
The key is that you both make a concerted effort to spend quality time together while allowing each other the space to have an outside community.
Work on Wellness
It’s easy to get into a routine of being overly casual, especially if you’ve been with your partner for many years. An easy way to rekindle romance is to think back to those early days of dating—preparing for date night with an at-home manicure, getting a fresh shave and haircut, or choosing a fun outfit.
There are plenty of ways to feel attractive and energized. Keeping up with your physical fitness boosts your confidence and sense of well-being.
This can also double as a way to spend time with your partner— whether you’re trying a new workout class, training for a 5K, or prepping healthy meals together.
Have Date Nights
Another way to keep the flame burning in a marriage is to continue courting your spouse. Make time for a date night every week—even to get ice cream or cook a new recipe together.
De Los Santos says that quality time together is essential. “Quality time means taking time for the couple to go out and share. This helps to combat monotony, allows people to get to know each other better, and enjoy more as a couple,” she explains.
If money is a concern, consider trading babysitting with another couple looking to have a date night. You can also just put the baby in a stroller, walk around the mall, or visit the local park.
Continue doing the things you did when you were dating. Small, thoughtful gestures can help couples feel like newlyweds. Try leaving your partner little love notes where they will find them, make them coffee in the morning, or buy their favorite snack at the grocery store.
Don’t Try to Control Your Partner
In healthy marriages, both partners have mutual respect for one another and don’t demand their own way. This can mean different things to different couples, but here are some core tenants to keep in mind:
- Don’t try to monitor or control each other
- Give your partner room to be the person they are
- Learn to collaborate on big decisions (such as spending money and raising children)
- Let your spouse have the freedom to come and go without having to ask your permission
Find Help
If you’re still having challenges in your marriage or fear that divorce might be imminent, consider counseling or couples therapy. This can be a helpful way to work through problems you might have and develop new skills that will strengthen your marriage.
“Seeing a psychologist can help them resolve conflicts effectively, get to know each other better, and set new goals as a married couple,” De Los Santos says.
If you aren’t sure where to look, ask your primary care provider for a referral to a qualified professional in your area.
You can also check with your workplace. See if you (or your partner) have access to an employee assistance program (EAP), which can often direct you to initial help or provide a referral.
You can also use the therapist locator offered by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) to look for a qualified professional in your area.
If you and your partner share faith, your might also consider meeting with a trusted religious leader.
Get Help Now
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