For the most part, “a lot of it will depend on your personal preference,” Annabelle Dortch, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—something you can absolutely ask your therapist about. (After all, they’re trained to know about the differences and recommend what’s best for you.) But just because your provider offers the “right” modality doesn’t guarantee success…which brings us to our next pointer.
2. You didn’t see the “right” therapist.
According to Boykin, finding a good therapist is kind of like dating. Just because it didn’t work once doesn’t mean relationships generally aren’t for you. Rather, “this person simply isn’t a good fit,” she explains—and that same logic applies to meeting a provider who helps you grow too.
At baseline, you should feel safe, not judged, and comfortable opening up to this person, Dr. Dortch says. Other factors can play a role too—personality differences (maybe you’re looking for someone who’s soft-spoken, and this one is a bit too high-energy), communication style (perhaps your ideal practitioner is direct and blunt—no positive fluff) or just the overall vibe. Without that rapport, both experts agree it can be tough to be comfortably you.
3. You’re holding back.
To get the most out of your sessions, you’ve got to be willing to be honest and vulnerable, Boykin says—something that’s easier said than done. To give you an example: Maybe you’re ranting about how your partner raised their voice at dinner—while leaving out pretty important details on your end. (Technically, you hurled the first few insults and constantly interrupted them too.)
Whether you realize it or not, you could be holding back for a few reasons. Perhaps you don’t know how to put complex feelings into words. Or shame is what’s stopping you from opening up about unhealthy patterns you want to change. Regardless of why, it’s important to know that withholding what’s really going on can get in the way of your progress. “If you don’t get to a place where you’re going to be brutally honest, where you’re giving the full picture of what’s going on in your life, then your therapist is going to be less effective simply because they don’t have all the information they need,” Boykin explains.
4. You’re not consistent or committed to the process.
There’s no right or wrong frequency for how often someone “should” go to therapy. But consistency does matter if you want to see real progress. “I tell patients all the time: You can’t really start and only go once a month,” Boykin explains. Otherwise, “you’re never really developing momentum and building the rapport necessary to make it effective.”
