When you’re lonely, you usually end up slowly disengaging from the people around you, Dr. Brinen explains. There’s a lot of ways this can happen, but being too busy with work or in your own world, and forgetting to call or text people back can feed this, he explains. Ditto if you’ve felt too wiped to meet up with friends lately and they just stopped asking you to get together. “We slowly frog-boil ourselves into this,” he says.
Independence is generally seen as a good thing for women, which doesn’t help in this situation, Gallagher says. “We’re hyper-independent and it’s easy to think, ‘I have to figure things out on my own’ and then stay in that mode,” she says. “You may not realize that you’re feeling lonelier and lonelier.” Gallagher says this comes up a lot in her therapy sessions, which is why she often recommends that patients ask for help as part of their “therapy homework.”
Subtle signs of loneliness, according to experts
Every person’s experience with loneliness is different, but there are a few things that can signal you’re sliding into the state of mind—or maybe are already there.
1. The idea of socializing seems stressful.
Socializing takes effort, but it can make you feel anxious if you haven’t done it in a while. “If you don’t have a lot of people around you and the idea of re-engaging feels stressful, you might be lonely,” Dr. Brinen says. “It’s easy to then think that people don’t want to be around you, and the wall for re-engaging feels higher.”
2. You don’t reach out to others.
You may also be creeping into loneliness if the thought crosses your mind to reach out to somebody and you decide to do something else, like listen to a podcast or watch a show. “We can look at those moments and wonder, ‘Is it really that I want to listen to this podcast or am I seeing connecting with other people as too much effort?’” Dr. Brinen says.
3. You tell yourself you’re an ‘introvert.’
Being introverted is definitely a thing, but it’s not the same as being lonely, Gallagher says. “People will tell themselves that they’re an introvert and don’t need friends, but that ends up with you feeling lonely,” she says.
4. You feel off.
Loneliness often brings other feelings along with it, William Chopik, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Michigan State University and director of MSU’s Close Relationships Lab, tells SELF. “Try to focus on how your body is responding,” he says. “If you are feeling low in energy, lethargic, irritated, restless, those are symptoms that usually accompany loneliness.” Of course, those symptoms can be caused by a range of things, but Dr. Chopik says loneliness is a cause worth pursuing if you also haven’t had meaningful interactions with people recently. “Usually people who are feeling ambiguously bad or in the dumps can improve their mood by engaging meaningfully with others,” he says.
5. You’re not filling old voids.
It’s natural for friends to move away and hobbies to change, but that can have a big impact on your social life, Gallagher says. “Your community and environment may subtly change, but if you’re not filling those vacancies with other social activities and friends, you could be setting yourself up for loneliness,” she says.
6. You want to connect with others—you just don’t.
Socializing requires some level of effort, and that can feel intimidating if you haven’t done it a lot, Dr. Brinen says. “If you feel a yearning to connect with other people and at the same time are not doing it, you may be lonely,” he says.
There are a few things you can do to turn this around.
Gallagher suggests starting out by taking an inventory of how often you’re seeing people and interacting with others. From there, look at your habits around being social. “Are you backing out on plans at the last minute? Are you inviting people to do things? What are you doing to create a community?” she says.
