Key Takeaways
- Grief comes in waves, with intense emotions becoming less frequent over time.
- Kind acts from people around you can help make grief more bearable.
- Grief is a process you must go through to heal and feel better over time.
As a therapist, I already knew a thing or two about grief—at least on an intellectual level. I’d learned about things like “complicated grief” in graduate school and treated my fair share of people struggling with loss.
But I gained a new understanding of grief after my husband died. I spent a solid decade grieving a series of losses. I lost my mom at 23 and became a widow at 26. My father-in-law passed away just a few years after that.
While all three losses were painful, losing my husband, Lincoln, taught me the most about grief. Here’s what I learned:
Grief Comes in Waves
After my husband died, the grief initially felt constant. As the months passed, however, the painful feelings came in waves. Sadness, anger, anxiety, and many other jumbled emotions would come and go.
I might laugh one minute only to feel guilty that I was having fun just moments later. Or, an otherwise happy trip to the store might be interrupted with tears when I remembered I no longer needed to buy Lincoln’s favorite cereal.
I don’t feel like the grief has ever “gone away.” But it did change over the years, and the waves of intense emotions get fewer and further apart.
Grief Makes Your Brain Play Tricks on You
Even after my husband died, there were times my mind would almost act as if he were back. There were moments when I’d think, ‘I can’t wait to tell Lincoln about this!’ And then, I’d remember this was permanent. He wasn’t just away on a trip that would end with him walking through the door again. He was gone.
It was as if my brain couldn’t quite process the permanency of my situation all at once, though. It took a while for the gravity of my loss to really sink in. And until it did, my brain often tricked me into thinking that somehow, relief was around the corner.
Kind People Make a Huge Difference
In the days after my husband died, some people sent cards. Others delivered food to my house. And lots of people spent time with me. It was such a relief to be surrounded by kind people who cared.
Most people weren’t sure what to say or do. But all acts of kindness helped me feel a little less alone.
Grief is a profound source of stress. Research has found that experiencing kindness can help promote positive interpersonal connections that buffer against stress and promote greater resilience.
It’s Hard for People to Sit With Someone Who Is Sad
It’s really tough to sit with someone when they’re in emotional pain. So it’s not surprising that a lot of people tried to cheer me up with jokes or by offering a ‘silver lining’ to my situation.
Of course, their heart was in the right place. And while having fun and sharing laughs can be part of the healing process, there was sometimes pressure to act like I was doing better than I felt. I didn’t want other people to feel uncomfortable being around me.
Avoidance Can Be Detrimental
Feeling like other people are avoiding your emotions can take a toll, and it might make you think you need to avoid reminders of the loss. Researchers suggest that excessive avoidance of the things that remind you of your loss are connected to complicated grief, a condition that affects about 7% of bereaved people.
Practical Tasks Feel Overwhelming
And, of course, the list of practical things I had to get done after my husband died didn’t end with the funeral. I had to decide what to sell (like Lincoln’s car), send death certificates to cancel services, and figure out how to get by financially once I was down to one income.
Those tasks are so hard to do. Regrettably, I’m sure I took out my frustration on more than one customer service agent who refused to talk to me because the cable bill was in Lincoln’s name and not mine.
In some cases, struggling with such tasks for an extended period can signify prolonged grief disorder, also known as complicated grief. If you have other symptoms such as a sense of emotional numbness and the feeling that life is meaningless, talk to your doctor.
Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline
The mental health agency where I worked as a therapist granted me three days of bereavement time. Sadly, that’s more than some people get when they lose a loved one.
Clearly, I was not in shape to work as a therapist after three days. I applied for short-term disability but was told our disability plan “doesn’t cover grief.” But as a therapist, I knew they covered other mental health issues. My physician diagnosed me with PTSD the following week—and that diagnosis granted me three months off from work.
But grief doesn’t have a clear timeline—even though there’s pressure to have one. There was no guarantee a certain amount of time was going to make me “better.”
Some people insisted I start dating after six months. Others encouraged me to make some big changes after one year. But I knew I couldn’t depend on the calendar to tell me when the timing was right. I had to do what felt right for me.
How long does grief last?
Each person’s unique experience with grief is different. Research suggests that many people begin to have some improvement in how they feel about six months after a loss. Most people report feeling recovered about one to two years later. However, your own journey may look different.
Grief Is the Process by Which We Heal
Grief is unquestionably painful. And it’s tempting to try and go around the pain. I wanted to distract myself and fast forward until I felt better.
But grief is a process I knew I had to go through. Time doesn’t heal. It’s how we deal with time that matters.
I had to allow myself to experience many really uncomfortable emotions if I wanted to come out on the other side someday.
And I’m grateful now that I did. As tough as those years were, allowing myself to feel painful emotions then, allows me to feel pleasant emotions now.
These days, I get to live a life beyond my wildest dreams. I live on a sailboat full-time in the Florida Keys. And while I’ll never say, “I’ve moved on,” I will say, “I’m moving through grief.”
The Stages of Grief
The stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance.
This is not a linear process, and you may find yourself feeling painful emotions during significant anniversaries or milestones. Over time, the painful feelings of grief will lessen, and the memories of your loved one will be a comfort rather than a sad reminder.
Press Play for Advice On Managing Grief
This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares tips to stay mentally strong when you’re working through grief.
Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts / Amazon Music
Support Is Essential
Writing an obituary and planning a funeral would be tough for me on my best day. But doing those things when I was at my worst felt nearly impossible.
Although your journey through grief will be an individual one, getting support can help you through the process. Whether that means talking to an individual therapist, attending an in-person support group, or subscribing to an online grief forum—hearing other people’s stories, coping skills, and experiences might help you feel less alone as you work through the pain.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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