Key Takeaways
- Everyday conversation habits can strengthen relationships or create distance, depending on how respectful and balanced they are.
- Conversation errors like interrupting, dismissive language, or asking only closed-ended questions can make others feel unheard or disrespected.
- We can improve conversations by being present, using respectful language, listening actively, and avoiding jumping to conclusions.
It’s been shown that a single positive interaction with a friend a day can boost our mental well-being. On the other hand, an awkward or uncomfortable talk can leave us stressed for days on end. So how do we ensure our conversations all go well?
There’s no magic bullet, but there are some mistakes we can avoid to help improve our relationships.
1. “Boomerasking”
Have you ever asked a question just to have the opportunity to answer it yourself? This faux pas isn’t just unkind; “boomerasking” can make us seem manipulative since we’re only bringing up a topic so we can address it ourselves.
“‘Boomerasking’ can leave the other person feeling like they aren’t being taken seriously,” says Dr. Meghan Marcum, Chief Psychologist at AMFM Healthcare.
2. Interrupting
It can be challenging to stay silent when you have something to say. There are some relationships in which both parties are interrupters who don’t mind when it happens, but that’s more the exception than the norm.
In general, starting to talk before someone else has finished is considered rude and disrespectful.
“Interrupting someone may often contribute to perceptions of being devalued or slighted,” Marcum notes.
3. Talking Too Much About Oneself
We’ve all heard the stories—or experienced them firsthand—about bad dates where the other party won’t stop droning on about their own life. It’s boring and can make the other person feel like they don’t matter. Striking a balance between sharing and listening is the heart of good conversation.
We want to be open and tell someone about what’s going on with us, but we don’t want to let it overshadow them. It can make the person wonder if they even need to be there! It’s important to remember that discussions thrive on a back-and-forth dynamic. No one wants to watch a person hitting a tennis ball against a wall all night.
4. Excessive Advice
When a friend or loved one comes to us with a problem, it’s natural to want to help them fix it—but they may just want to vent.
“A common and detrimental action in conflict is to swoop in with suggestions when someone describes a problem, instead of listening and acknowledging the other person’s experience,” says Dana Caspersen, TEDx speaker, conflict engagement specialist, and author of “Conflict Is an Opportunity: 20 Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times.”
We may be trying to help, but unsolicited advice can make someone else think we find them to be helpless. “The impact of the suggestion swoop is often that the person with the problem feels both that they are not being truly listened to and that they are not being seen as capable of finding solutions on their own,” Casperson tells us.
Tip: If you happen to make this mistake, it’s not too late to turn things around. Caspersen says that if we find ourselves offering unsolicited advice, instead of saying “Well, what you should do is….” you can instead say, “So, it sounds like [this] has been happening, what’s the hardest thing in that for you? What are you trying to figure out right now?”
5. Asking Closed-Ended Questions
Asking questions is vital to a good conversation, but we want to ensure that those questions pave the way rather than create stop signs.
Closed-ended questions are those with yes-or-no answers, rather than those that invite your conversation partner to continue the chat.
It’s the difference between “Do you like your drink?” and “What do you like about your drink?” that can make a question prompt a one-word answer or a paragraph or two.
6. Not Asking Follow-Up Questions
Asking follow-up questions shows that we’re listening, we’re engaged, and we care about the person we’re speaking with. If we ask a question, they answer, and we introduce a whole new subject, the other person could feel like we’re just filling time and not interested in what they have to say.
When we hear a person’s response to our question, it should naturally lead us to want to know more about at least one element of what they’ve said. It should lead to a follow-up question that shows we’ve been actively listening, even if all we say is, “I’d love to hear more about that.”
7. Interrogation
A conversation should be a back-and-forth exchange, so bombarding someone with nonstop questions is something to avoid. Even if we use a nice, gentle tone, we could make our partner feel on edge and defensive. You don’t want to sound like an attorney and make them feel like they’re on the witness stand.
After each question and answer, pause to see if the other person has anything to ask before jumping to the next question.
8. Using Dismissive Language
“The biggest mistake one can make is essentially lacking respect for the other person when having a conversation,” says Marcum.
Marcum says that using dismissive language “can very quickly erode dialogue and create a barrier between two people.”
Dismissive behavior can manifest as a direct response to something someone is telling us, such as claiming they are overreacting, or as a lack of validation, such as saying “Whatever” when someone expresses displeasure with us.
Why Do Good Conversation Habits Matter?
Our conversations impact our relationships—and can do so positively or negatively, depending on how they go.
“Conversational mistakes often create a sense of disconnection and can lead to problems in relationships,” says Mr. Marcum.
This applies to all types of relationships. Marcum notes that “whether these mistakes occur within the context of a personal or business discussion, negative consequences are more likely when these mistakes happen frequently.”
The mistakes we make when talking to others mark the difference between healthy, stable relationships and those that might not survive long-term. They could even end our relationships. “Over time, these mistakes can contribute to people feeling misunderstood, and others may eventually avoid conversations altogether,” explains Marcum.
Strategies to Avoid Conversation Mistakes
Thankfully, we can get past these communication mistakes and start having better, more functional discussions. The biggest thing we can do is simply to listen openly and behave respectfully.
“Listen with the real intent to understand, express yourself without attack or defense, and don’t leap to strategies before you understand what really matters on both sides of the conversation,” explains Caspersen. Here are some tips:
- Practice active listening: According to Caspersen, we should listen with curiosity and acknowledge what the person has shared. “Help them unfold their thoughts instead of imposing your own,” Caspersen adds.
- Summarize what they said: This shows you’re engaged and can help you get on the same page. “Giving a brief synopsis of what the other person said can help you correct any potential errors quickly and prevent misunderstandings…by allowing the person to clarify and improve accuracy in understanding each other,” Marcum advises.
- Keep things personable: Avoid conflict by using affirming language and operating from a place of curiosity. “Ask follow-up questions, and if you disagree, use neutral language instead of hostility,” Marcum advises, “saying something like, ‘That’s not the way I understood the situation, but I am curious to hear more about your perspective.’”
Resources
If you’d like to practice your conversational skills, there are worksheets you can use or videos you can watch from communication experts. Whichever method you choose, better conversations can be on the horizon for you.
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