Key Takeaways
- If your gut tells you “I wish I was with someone better,” you might be settling.
- Making excuses for your partner’s behavior could mean you’re not happy in the relationship.
- Feeling emotionally empty indicates you may need a different relationship.
Are you settling? It’s a tough question to ask yourself and sometimes it’s an even tougher answer to come up with. But in the end, no one can tell you the answer, except for yourself.
We all start our romantic journeys believing that we will someday find our perfect soulmate, that special someone who fulfills all of our needs and then some. Books, movies, TV—they all tell us that if we just keep our hearts open, true love will find us.
But then comes the paradox of real life. We date and break up and date and break up, and at some point we come to the conclusion that there is no perfect person and maybe “OK” is good enough. But is it? Maybe you’re in a perfectly decent relationship but there’s this nagging feeling in the back of your mind telling you it’s just not quite right.
Are you settling? Or is it just a you problem? Should you just accept the nice partner you have (even if they aren’t perfect) or keep searching? How do you know if it’s a grass is always greener situation or if you truly need something different?
We’re going to break it all down for you.
What Does “Settling” Actually Look Like?
Jon Dabach, PhD, couples counselor and relationship coach, says there are two different kinds of settling.
The first is when you have a list of things you want in a partner such as certain physical attributes, financial status, education level, or religious beliefs and they don’t meet them entirely but you stay with them. The second is when you don’t feel a true sense of emotional or physical intimacy in the relationship but you stay in it anyway.
Staying for either reason is problematic. According to one study that was published in the Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, of 237 people in relationships, researchers found that sexual satisfaction was directly linked to relationship satisfaction for both partners. Moreover, interpersonal closeness was almost as important for women.
“Physical intimacy might feel more like an obligation than a genuine desire for connection, and you might find yourself minimizing your own needs or dismissing your gut feelings that something isn’t right,” says certified relationship coach Amie Leadingham
She adds that settling stems from a deep-rooted fear of loneliness or the belief that you don’t deserve or won’t find someone who truly meets your needs. “This ‘better than nothing’ mindset can trap people in a relationship that merely exists rather than thrives, where having any connection, even one that leaves them feeling emotionally unfulfilled, is better than being alone,” she says.
Signs You Might Be Settling in Your Relationship
The following are three signs that you might be settling, according to dating coach Connell Barrett, bestselling author of “Dating Sucks but You Don’t” and host of the podcast, “How to Get a Girlfriend.”
- Your gut tells you, “I wish I was with someone better.”
- Friends or family question whether or not the person is right for you.
- The person treats you poorly or cruelly or is emotionally or physically abusive.
Leadingham adds that the below are other signs:
- You constantly make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
- You frequently compromise your core values and non-negotiables that you once held firm.
- You experience a nagging feeling of emotional emptiness.
- You go through the motions rather than feel genuinely excited about your shared future.
- When you imagine your future together, you feel a sense of resignation rather than excitement,
and you often think “this is as good as it gets” rather than “this is exactly what I want.”
What Are the Risks of Settling?
The biggest risk of settling is losing out on true love with a person better suited for you.
“Settling robs you of the opportunity to experience genuine love and connection, while keeping you
trapped in a situation that prevents you from meeting someone who could truly align with your values, meet your needs, and bring joy to your life,” says Leadingham.
Settling may also lead to a painful ending. “Because when you settle, it usually leads to either a bad or to a painful breakup or costly, excruciating divorce,” says Barrett.
Over time, compromising on your core needs and values in a relationship can erode your self-worth, leading to depression, anxiety, and a lost sense of identity, Leadingham adds.
Amie Leadingham, relationship coach
Settling robs you of the opportunity to experience genuine love and connection, while keeping you
trapped in a situation that prevents you from meeting someone who could truly align with your values, meet your needs, and bring joy to your life,
— Amie Leadingham, relationship coach
Additionally, settling takes time away from living. In a 2018 study published in Current Psychology, researchers from the University of Minho in Portugal found that when 900 participants were presented with a hypothetical unhappy relationship and given the option to leave it, they were more likely to stay in the relationship when they had invested money and effort into it.
In a follow-up study, some of the participants were asked how much time they would be prepared
to invest in a relationship that was based on 1 year of marriage and another that was based on 10 years of marriage. Those in the one-year group said they would give the marriage 289 days, while the ten-year group said they would invest 583 days.
How to Know If You’re Ready to Make a Change
You know you’re ready to make a change and stop settling when you have what Barrett calls a “rock bottom” relationship moment. “This moment is different for everyone, but it’s when the truth hits you in a painful, ‘this has to change’ moment,” he says.
For him, that moment came when a woman he was dating cheated on him. He realized that her infidelity wasn’t the real issue. “The problem was that both she and I had settled for each other, and that we both needed to find someone who was a better relationship fit for us,” Barrett says.
Feeling increasingly drained rather than energized in your relationship or experiencing a persistent inner voice that says, “this isn’t right,” despite trying to ignore it is another indication that you’re ready to move on. “You might notice you’re no longer able to push aside your true feelings or rationalize away your dissatisfaction,” says Leadingham. “The fear of making a change, while still
present, starts feeling less overwhelming than the pain of staying stuck.”
Most importantly, you begin to recognize that you deserve more than just surviving in your relationship. “That desire for genuine happiness and fulfillment becomes stronger than the comfort of familiarity,” she adds.
Steps You Can Take to Improve Your Relationship
Start by understanding your needs, feelings, and boundaries through journaling or quiet reflection without judgment or immediate solutions, says Leadingham.
Dabach agrees. “The things you need, don’t compromise on those. You’ll end up resenting the
relationship and leaving anyways but it will cost you time and heartbreak if you stay longer,” he says.
Communicate your needs to your partner with warmth and compassion and if they get defensive, Dabach says stay calm and remind them that if they can’t give you what you need, that it’s fine but that means the relationship cannot continue.
During your conversation use “I feel” statements that express your experience rather than accusations. For example, Leadingham suggests instead of saying, “You never make time for us,” try “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately. Can we brainstorm ideas for quality time?”
When your partner responds, listen to them with genuine curiosity and empathy, remembering that
they likely have their own fears and unmet needs. “Together, try to identify small, actionable steps you can both take to rebuild the connection,” says Leadingham.
Some to consider include:
- Setting aside phone-free time each evening
- Planning weekly date nights
- Starting couples therapy or coaching to develop better communication tools
“The key is viewing this as a collaborative journey where both partners work together to create positive changes rather than seeing it as a problem to be fixed by one person alone,” Leadingham says.
When Is It Time to Move On?
If you have determined that you settled and have tried to improve the relationship by expressing your non-negotiables clearly, but nothing has changed, it may be time to end it.
“If you settled for someone who is not up to your standards, do both of you a favor and break up,” says Barrett. “It’s better to endure a little pain now than a lot of pain later, in the form of divorce and wasted time. Rip off that Band-Aid.”
Keep in Mind
If you have a nagging feeling that you’ve settled in your relationship, it may be time to reflect and move on. After all, staying longer often means sacrificing more of your own wellbeing and potential for happiness.
When you’re ready to get back into the dating scene, Barrett says when you first meet someone to
date, place them into one of three categories as a potential partner: 1: Hell yes! 2: Maybe. 3: Hell no!
“In your love life, stay away from “Hell no!” options, do not settle for a “Maybe,” and keep on the lookout for a “Hell yes!” person,” he says. “To find fulfilling love, you want to end up with a “Hell yes!” person—someone who is as loving and special as you are.”
