Key Takeaways
- Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior.
- Stay calm and control your response to remain unaffected by their actions.
- Recognize that you cannot change someone who is passive-aggressive; focus on what you can control.
Dealing with someone who has passive-aggressive behaviors—a “passive-aggressive bully”—can be complicated. However, you can take some steps to protect yourself.
Relational aggression, also sometimes referred to as social aggression, involves damaging a person’s social relationships by spreading rumors, excluding them from events, or otherwise making them feel as if they are not accepted.
Recognize That You Did Nothing Wrong
It’s not uncommon for the recipient of passive-aggressive behaviors to feel that they are a bad person or deserving of poor treatment, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who practices in New York City.
“Many rationalize their mistreatment by believing that they somehow did something worthy of the behavior they are receiving,” says Romanoff, “which enables a complacency to continue to accept it.”
Over time, this can have many negative effects, including eroded self-esteem, reduced productivity, and damaged relationships. One of the first steps you can take when dealing with a person who is passive-aggressive is to recognize that you don’t deserve their poor treatment.
Set Boundaries
“To overcome passive-aggressive bullying, it is important to set boundaries when you’re feeling violated,” says Romanoff. “Folks who get targeted often have difficulty with being assertive and affirmative, which is a similar challenge for those who resort to passive-aggressive bullying – creating a vicious cycle.”
Setting boundaries can help stop this cycle. How? “These are often subtle moments,” says Romanoff, “like when someone inquires too deeply, you can pause and think about how you want to respond instead of allowing them to violate your boundaries.”
Address the Behaviors
Passive-aggressiveness is characterized by a desire to avoid discussing issues that may be bothering the person. Addressing their behaviors is one way to bring these issues more into the open. It also establishes your willingness to hold the person accountable, which helps stop the passive-aggressive cycle.
Confronting a person with passive-aggressive behaviors at work, school, or home requires honesty. Let them know how their behaviors affect you. Be clear on how they make you feel.
When confronted, the person may make inappropriate remarks and mumble under their breath. Don’t let their hostility and inappropriate actions keep you from addressing their behaviors. Calling the behavior out with no apologies is essential.
Be Direct
When dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive, be assertive and clear about your expectations. This helps establish your boundaries. It also reduces the risk of miscommunication about what you want or need in the relationship.
Another benefit of directness is that it holds the person accountable for their actions. It tells them you recognize what they’re doing and you’re not going to allow it when interacting with them.
Control Your Response
Focus on staying calm. Keep your voice neutral and hold your emotions in check. The less you react to a person’s passive-aggressive actions, the less control they have over you.
Remind yourself that while you cannot keep someone who is passive-aggressive from slamming doors or pouting, you can control your response. Choose to respond in a healthy way to their unhealthy behaviors to help keep it from being a toxic relationship.
Recognize You Cannot Change Them
While confronting passive-aggressive behaviors is a positive first step, there is no guarantee that the person will accept what you are saying. There is also no guarantee that they will decide to change, becoming more open about their emotions when they are feeling angry.
Instead of concentrating on everything they need to do to stop being passive-aggressive, focus on what you can do to improve the situation. Use your energies on actions such as setting boundaries or communicating honestly about how their actions affect you.
Avoid Getting Offended
Remember that passive-aggressive anger stems from the person’s experiences and background and, therefore, is not your responsibility. If you allow yourself to get offended, it becomes more difficult to keep your composure.
You do not have to appease someone who is passive-aggressive. Stick to what you know is right regardless of any emotional abuse they may inflict.
Be Empathetic
Being compassionate and empathetic toward a difficult person can be challenging but very effective. Say something like: “It seems like you’re frustrated by what happened at practice yesterday. That must be difficult.”
Remember, people who are passive-aggressive often feel misunderstood. Exploring where they’re coming from can go a long way in helping you cope with their behaviors.
Common Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
Spotting and dealing with passive-aggressive bullies can be hard, but it can important for your well being. Here are a few telltale behaviors typical of someone with passive-aggressive tendencies.
Denying the Truth
People who are passive-aggressive often deny that they’re hurt, angry, or offended. They don’t say what they are really thinking, which can confuse people on the receiving end of their behaviors—particularly when they lash out in subtle, unexpected, puzzling ways.
In some cases, the person who is passive-aggressive may not even realize that they are angry or feeling resentful because their feelings have been repressed or they have poor self-awareness. This can lead them to complain about being misunderstood or victimized.
Shifting Blame
Someone with passive-aggressiveness rarely takes responsibility for their actions. They cannot accept that they are at fault. If something happens, it must be the fault of someone or something else. They engage in minimization and victim-blaming on a regular basis.
Someone who uses passive-aggressive behaviors to bully others typically believes that they are being held to unreasonable standards when confronted.
Communicating Poorly or Ambiguously
Another common passive-aggressive behavior is saying “yes” when they feel “no”—for example when asked to do something they don’t want to do. They resent being asked, but they hide this emotion and do the task anyway. To relieve some of the resulting resentment, they may give the person who made the request the silent treatment, talk about the person, or even spread gossip. Or, they simply might not follow through with the request.
People who behave in a passive-aggressive way also can be sarcastic, even when sarcasm is inappropriate. When confronted, they might pass it off as a joke, accusing the recipient of being too sensitive.
Repressing Anger
People who are passive-aggressive rarely show anger. Instead, they stuff it down inside. They may even appear happy and accommodating, but their passive-aggressive actions often stem from anger that they don’t feel comfortable expressing directly. Instead, they do so indirectly. They might give you the silent treatment, for instance. You might have no idea why this is happening—especially if the person denied they were even mad. Or they may ostracize you from a group, use passive violence (like slamming books or doors), or engage in subtle forms of relational aggression.
Assuming the Victim Mentality
A person with passive-aggressive tendencies often feels as if they’ve been treated unfairly or that they’ve been taken advantage of. Because of these feelings, it is not uncommon for them to have a victim mentality.
Someone acting as a passive-aggressive bully doesn’t see themselves as the bully in the situation. In their mind, the other person is the one who is bullying them.
Having No Boundaries
People with passive-aggressiveness tend to lack boundaries. At the same time, they gravitate toward others who have the same type of boundary issues, often focusing on conflict-averse, people-pleasing individuals. This type of person typically won’t address or demand accountability for the passive-aggressive actions against them.
By interacting with people who don’t protect their boundaries, the person who is passive-aggressive doesn’t have to be honest about their feelings or take responsibility for their behaviors. And they can continue to express their hostilities without a fight.
Passive-Aggressive Cycles
Passive-aggressiveness can often lead to cycles of conflict that create problems in relationships. In such cases, an individual may engage in passive-aggressive behavior to force the other person to respond, which may then be met with more direct anger or aggression. This pattern can lead to cycles of overt hostility followed by withdrawal periods.
