Key Takeaways
- It’s important to have brainstorming sessions to find common ground without judgment.
- If your political beliefs are hurting your relationship, it’s time to talk openly with your partner.
- You can ask genuine questions to promote critical thinking if your partner is influenced by propaganda.
From the elections to navigating a global pandemic, relationships have been more strained by political differences than ever in recent years. Political differences in your relationship don’t have to mean it’s the end, but you may need to find ways to “find common ground” if your partner views the world differently.
If you’ve found yourself in the middle of a political disagreement in your relationship, it can be hard to know where to turn. Verywell Mind spoke with Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a relationship therapist and author of the book First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, to find out more about how couples can work past political differences.
In this interview, Chlipala explains how couples can handle it when one person’s views have changed over time and offers insight into how to know if it’s time to end the relationship.
How to Talk With Your Partner About Differing Political Beliefs
If you’re looking to find common ground or just want to better understand your partner’s side of the political spectrum, it’s best to be honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning of your relationship.
Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT
It may take more than one conversation, I recommend [having] brainstorming sessions where you throw out ideas without judgment. Both of you can determine what your areas of flexibility are and see if any overlap to determine common ground.
— Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT
In other words, while you and your partner may never agree with one another 100% of the time, there are still ways for you both to bring your beliefs to the table with mutual respect.
When Your Partner’s Views Have Changed Over Time
One of the hardest aspects of long-term relationships is watching a person grow in a way that does not follow your own beliefs. While it’s an important detail to take note of, it does not always mean that you’re nearing the end of the relationship.
“It’s inevitable for people to grow and change, and couples need to be flexible to accommodate the ways that their partner changes throughout their relationship,” says Chlipala.
While you need to make sure that your partner’s beliefs have not veered in a direction that could cause anyone harm, focus your energy on understanding. Make it clear that honesty and vulnerability are your priorities.
Chlipala says that the same goes for the person whose views have changed—they need to be mindful that their partner can’t be expected to suddenly be on the same page.
Studies have shown that when people differ in their political views, including how they vote, it can negatively affect a relationship. This is true for friends, family, and romantic partners. However, research has also suggested that some relationships are resilient to many stressors, including opposing politics.
Finding Common Ground
Finding common ground may feel impossible, but if you are with a partner that you love, it’s worth aiming for. Chlipala suggests couples spend time trying to understand the other person’s point of view. However, that does not mean that you need to agree with them. Chlipala suggests asking your partner a few questions that will hopefully help you understand why they believe what they believe:
- What does your position mean to you?
- What values/experiences have led you to feel and think this way?
- What is your ideal dream?
- What do you want/need?
These questions can help you identify common ground and build on it. “Sometimes people think they’re farther apart than they really are,” says Chlipala. “Through conversations, talk about your values and how your political view influences your day-to-day life.”
See if you can find some middle ground, too. Having different political views won’t necessarily affect your relationship or day-to-day life.
When Political Beliefs Are Hurting Your Relationship
If your political beliefs are starting to interfere with your relationship, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. If you’ve already talked and tried to work out your differences, you may need to be honest about whether you can be together.
According to Pew Research, most Americans are fine with people in their family having different political views. According to data from 2014, about 9% of Americans said they would not be happy if a family member married a Republican, and 8% felt that way about a family member marrying a Democrat.
Chlipala says it’s time to consider ending the relationship “if you feel criticized or feel like your partner has contempt toward you, and they are unwilling to accept your perspective.”
Make note if you’re constantly criticizing your partner or vice versa. If you’re the one criticizing, tell your partner that you’ve recognized it and that you’re taking accountability for your behavior. If they’re the ones criticizing and they don’t see it, you may need to be the one to point it out.
“Criticism and contempt are toxic relationship behaviors, and if they aren’t stopped, [they] can create irreparable damage,” says Chlipala. “Also, if your non-negotiables oppose each other and you and your partner exhausted all options in terms of trying to find [a] middle ground, [it might be time to consider breaking up].”
Make sure you’re honest with your partner, even if you feel like they won’t accept what you’re saying.
“Sometimes, people can minimize or hide what they really need because they don’t want to lose a relationship,” says Chlipala. “It’s important that the person you are dating knows the real you, even if it means that your stance is a deal-breaker for them.”
Political differences in a relationship can go deeper when they also reflect deep division in your values, beliefs, and worldviews. If you find that your differences with your partner are truly irreconcilable, you’ll need to consider the possibility that the relationship can’t be saved.
If Your Partner Has Been Manipulated By Propaganda
If your partner is suddenly acting out in ways that are negatively affecting their life beyond your relationship, the situation might be more serious.
What to Look Out For
There are potential warning signs that your partner is being influenced by propaganda:
- Your partner suddenly integrating politics into more and more conversations
- Your partner exhibits anger in a way that feels unnecessary or frightening
- They are spending an increasing amount of time alone in chat rooms, watching videos, or reading message boards surrounding their newfound ideas
- Your partner starts to make friends with other people online, or people with whom their only commonality is their political beliefs
- Your partner starts to mention conspiracy theories regularly
Propaganda works because something about the message communicates with people’s inner hopes or fears. You need to keep this in mind when you’re communicating with your partner about their beliefs.
In the book Beyond Your Bubble: How to How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work, Tania Isreal describes how to start conversations that promote understanding:
- Do not shame them: Don’t make your partner feel ignorant for believing propaganda.
- Do not overwhelm them with counterevidence: It might be tempting to send article links that you think debunk their beliefs, but this is not the best way to start a real conversation.
- Do ask genuine questions that promote critical thinking: Instead of telling your partner they’re wrong, ask questions that you have about some of their beliefs that you find questionable. Tell them you’d be receptive to hearing more about it but ask them to have the same level of openness.
There are also some practical things to think about before having a conversation that could quickly become emotionally charged.
First, find a place to talk where you both feel safe and at ease. Then, make sure you choose a time when you’re both in the right headspace.
You can set some rules and boundaries about talking politics. For example, you may want to avoid having a conversation if you’ve both had a stressful day, neither of you slept well, or you just had drinks at dinner.
If you don’t feel like the conversation will be productive or you’re concerned about it escalating, it might be time to reach out to a professional for support.
Going to therapy with your partner gives you a neutral, safe space to talk. You’ll also get some outside insight into whether your relationship can withstand the differences and learn tools you can use to work through the challenges.
