Key Takeaways
- Divorce is a time of major change and upheaval —not just for your marriage and family but your friendships, too.
- Reassess your social circle and discuss any concerns with your friends through open, honest dialogue. It can also be a good time to make new friends and rebuild your support system.
- If you have trouble with a friendship after your divorce, meeting with a licensed therapist for tips and support may be helpful.
As you navigate divorce, having questions and concerns about your friendships is common. Recent divorcées may be anxious about being left out of couples get-togethers or being seen differently by their old friends. “Individuals who recently split off from their spouses can be concerned about how their social interactions will be impacted as a result of their new situation,” shares Michelle English, LCSW, co-founder and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery.
Concerns like these are totally valid, but you have some power in this situation. Divorce can impact your friendships, but it can also be an opportunity to take stock of who you can genuinely trust.
Why Friendships Often Change After Divorce
“It’s hard not to feel betrayed when a friend stays close to your ex,” says Shari Leid, a mindset coach, friendship expert, and national speaker at Imperfectly Perfect Life. “Suddenly, you question if you can confide in them without worrying that they will share your thoughts with your former spouse.” Worse yet, you may wonder if the friend is discussing you with your ex behind your back, Leid says.
There’s no denying that divorce tends to reshape your friendships, especially the friendships you and your ex shared. Kiana Shelton, LCSW, a therapist with Mindpath Health, agrees that divorce can have an overall strong impact on your friendships. But how much of an impact it has depends in part on your friends themselves, including how they perceive the situation and their own emotional maturity, she explains.
Divorce can often illuminate which of our friends are “keepers” and which may not be the best match for us.
“Many divorced individuals often note that during this journey, there is a real discovery of who their ‘true friends’ are,” says Shelton.
The Importance of Friendships in Post-Divorce Healing
Divorce is a time of crisis, and having a supportive network is essential to getting you through this period. “Knowing who is supportive vs. unsupportive is critical in ensuring you have a safe emotional space for processing grief, navigating new routines, and maintaining a sense of connection,” says Shelton.
What’s the best way to figure this out? According to English:
- Loyal, supportive friends are “those who empathize, do not engage in gossip about your life, do not pry into what is currently a sensitive topic, and remain loyal through the stages of your life.”
- Disloyal, non-supportive friends tend to “distance themselves, take the side of your former partner, and say hurtful or unfair things to you that sabotage your recovery instead of encouraging you to see the bright side.”
How to Rebuild or Strengthen Friendships After Divorce
Figuring out how to manage your friendships after divorce can be tricky. Here are some expert tips:
Managing Inconsiderate Friends
Navigating the friends you share with your ex can get sticky at times, and sometimes your mutual friends will be less than considerate. English advises recent divorcées to share their feelings and requests with their friends as openly as possible.
“For example, you can say, ‘I understand that you have a good relationship with both of us, and I do not take that lightly; however, I would kindly ask that everyone be considerate of me during this period,’” she recommends.
Encourage Mutual Friends to Remain Neutral
It’s not always possible, but when it is, it’s best if your mutual friends try to remain as neutral as possible at this time. “Encourage these friends to remain neutral while reassuring them that neutrality entails and does not equate to betrayal,” English advises.
“When you see someone who is beginning to be overly enthusiastic in telling tales with respect to your ex, you can politely tell them, ‘I’d prefer not to talk about what [ex’s name] is doing at the moment.’”
Accept That You May Lose Some Friends
Leid is a recent divorcée herself and has found that having a clear-eyed view of her friendships—and accepting her friends for who they are—has been pivotal. “After finalizing my divorce this past year, after 27 years of marriage, I knew going into the divorce process that I would lose some friends,” she says.
She explains that she made a conscious choice not to dictate who her friends should or shouldn’t keep in their lives, and to simply observe which friendships remained strong and authentic, realizing those were her true friends. “Fortunately, most of my friendships withstood the divorce and even became closer friends, while others faded naturally,” she shares.
Restoring or Making New Friends in a New Chapter
For many people, divorce is a time when you can also reconnect with old friends—and when you are ready, add some new friends into the mix.
English shared some tips for this period of friendship renewal:
- Be mindful that restoring a friendship after a divorce takes time and effort.
- Consider contacting friends you’ve lost touch with to share that you’d like to rekindle the friendship.
- For friends that you’ve been in touch with but would like to stay in touch more often, start by texting them simple questions like “How are you doing?” every once in a while to show you care and would like to connect more often.
- Keep in mind that making new friends can be scary, but it can also be fun as you get more comfortable putting yourself out there.
- Consider attending hobby clubs, sporting activities, or community social events; online friendship apps like Meetup or Bumble BFF can be helpful too.
- If you’re a parent, it can be helpful to have friendships with other single parents who may understand your children’s needs so that you don’t feel sidelined when you need to focus on them.
- More importantly, focus on friends who understand what it means for you to be a parent and a friend and who can support you in this momentous life transition.
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