Key Takeaways
- Reactive abuse happens when someone being hurt fights back against the person hurting them.
- The person being hurt might feel confused, guilty, or scared after they react this way.
- To stop reactive abuse, it can help to notice when the person hurting you is trying to provoke you.
Someone who is being abused might eventually reach their breaking point and lash out at their abuser in return. This is known as reactive abuse.
Reactive abuse occurs when someone who has been abused begins to defend themselves by responding to abuse with physical and/or verbal attacks, says Alexa Connors, LMSW, a senior therapist at The Dorm, which offers intensive trauma therapy for young adults.
In this article, we explore the psychological dynamics of reactive abuse, the signs to look out for, the impact it can cause, and steps to get help.
The Dynamics of Reactive Abuse
If someone is being physically or verbally abused, their fight-or-flight response might kick in, to help them protect themselves. If they are unable to flee, they might fight back against their abuser by attacking them physically or verbally. They may resort to yelling, screaming, insulting, or even assaulting their abuser.
Self-Defense Is a More Accurate Term
It’s important to understand that someone who has to resort to reactive abuse is not the instigator. Rather, they are a victim who is reacting to being abused.
The term “reactive abuse” can therefore be problematic, because it labels the victim as an abuser. A more accurate term to describe this behavior is “self-defense.”
Unfortunately, reactive abuse often works against the victim of abuse, because their abuser may use it as leverage against them.
Once the victim of abuse responds this way, the perpetrator often claims that the abuse is mutual, says Connors. In some cases, the abuser might even claim to be the wounded party and try to use these instances as proof that they have been abused, instead of the other way around.
Perpetrators may use these manipulation tactics as a way to justify their abuse, control their victims, and keep them from leaving or speaking about the abuse, Connors explains.
They may even try to record the person’s reaction, or provoke a response in public so that they have witnesses who can say they saw them being “abused.”
Recognizing the Signs of Reactive Abuse
These are some of the signs and characteristics of reactive abuse:
- Uncharacteristic behavior: The person’s behavior is not characteristic of their nature. They have never shown abusive tendencies toward any other person or situation.
- Provocation: The abuser uses antagonistic behavior like public or private humiliation, threats, name-calling, insulting, or gaslighting in order to get the person to their breaking point and elicit a violent response, says Connors.
- Self-defense: The person’s reaction is an act of self-defense to protect themselves against an abuser. They never initiate the abuse. They only respond this way when provoked, once they have reached their limit and cannot take anymore.
- Confusion: The person feels confused about their actions. They feel like they don’t know who they are anymore and how they could react like that.
- Guilt: The person feels guilty and ashamed of their behavior afterward.
- Doubt: Because victims of reactive abuse are made to doubt their own reality, it may be difficult to identify when they are in this abusive dynamic, says Connors.
- Fear: The perpetrator uses the victim’s actions as evidence against them, says Connors. They use fear to control and manipulate them into doing what they want.
The Psychological Impact of Reactive Abuse
Research shows that experiencing abuse can be traumatic and lead to physical and psychological damage.
In a situation where the victim responds with reactive abuse, the abuser may convince them that they too are engaging in abusive behavior, which may result in feelings of guilt and shame, Connors explains.
“This dynamic can be extremely damaging and harmful to the person’s mental health, as it may cause them to experience increased anxiety, depression, isolation, sleep-related issues, confusion, and mood swings,” says Connors.
The Connection Between Reactive Abuse and Gaslighting
Victims of this dynamic may also experience gaslighting in the following ways, according to Connors:
- Flipping the narrative: The perpetrator may flip the narrative and convince the person who is being harmed that they are causing harm.
- Lying: The perpetrator might outright lie about something that has occurred, such as the fact that they instigated the abuse.
- Creating doubt: The perpetrator might call the victim “crazy” or “insane” and cause them to doubt their own reality.
- Minimizing concerns: The perpetrator may dismiss or minimize the victim’s concerns or issues.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can cause victims to blame themselves. Victims may feel as if they are crazy and demonstrate an increased dependence on their partner.
How to Break the Cycle of Reactive Abuse
If you are a victim of abuse, these are some steps that can help you break the cycle of reactive abuse:
- Identify the pattern: The first step is to develop awareness and recognize the fact that the abuser is provoking you in the hopes of getting a reaction.
- Recognize provocation: Start paying attention to the abuser’s manipulation tactics and antagonistic behaviors, says Connors. “Notice which behaviors are activating and triggering.”
- Be mindful of your reaction: This can be difficult to do at the moment, but be mindful of your reaction to the abuse, says Connor. “The abuser is trying to provoke you until you snap, so try to react mindfully or avoid reacting at all.”
- Develop coping skills: Developing coping skills can help you manage the intensity of your own emotions and reactions, says Connors. “You can empower yourself against reactive abuse by learning skills and tools to manage your stress and emotions.”
- Reach out for help: Reach out to trusted friends or family members, or mental health services. A therapist or a loved one can help you process harmful relationship dynamics, says Connors.
- Leave the relationship: Connors recommends reaching out to domestic violence hotlines to get help and safely leave an abusive situation.
Empowering Yourself Against Reactive Abuse
Reactive abuse can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, confused, scared, and angry. You may feel trapped and not know what to do.
It can be helpful to protect yourself by paying attention to the abuser’s actions, resisting provocation, and reacting mindfully.
Leaving an abusive situation is not easy. As soon as you are safely able to do so, create an exit plan and leave the abusive situation. You can reach out to trusted loved ones or the domestic violence hotline for help and support.
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