Key Takeaways
- A demisexual person feels sexually attracted to someone only after forming an emotional bond.
- Demisexuality is not the same as asexuality; demisexuals do feel sexual attraction, but only with an emotional connection.
- You might be demisexual if you only feel attracted to people after getting to know them.
A person who is demisexual experiences sexual attraction only when they feel a true emotional bond with another person.
In other words, a demisexual person may not feel sexually attracted to a person they randomly see at a coffee shop, but if they were to start talking to that person and form an emotional connection, they might then become sexually attracted to them over time.
As is the case with any type of sexuality, there’s much room for nuance here. For that reason, any definition of demisexuality isn’t absolutely concrete. It’s up to the individual to truly define what their own sexuality looks like and how it presents itself.
History of the Term ‘Demisexual’
The earliest instance of the term demisexual dates back to 2006, when it was coined in the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network forums.
By 2008, the word ‘demisexuality’ had become more mainstream in the modern lexicon, likely as a result of others closely identifying with the term. Even some dating websites allow users to select ‘demisexual’ as their sexual orientation.
“We are now learning that being open to fluidity with respect to lifestyle and preference is the best approach,” said Dr. Margaret Seide, a board-certified psychiatrist and faculty member at New York University.
When Does Someone Who Identifies as Demisexual Become Physically Attracted to Someone?
While it’s true that many people do want to experience an emotional connection to another person before engaging in any sort of sexual intimacy, this isn’t considered the same thing as being demisexual.
A demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someone until they’ve bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond only after they’ve experienced that spark of sexual attraction.
The difference is that those who identify as demisexual cannot feel attracted to people they don’t already have an emotional bond with or know on a deeper level. For example, a demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to a famously “sexy” celebrity or even a classically attractive person on the street—in other words, they tend not to feel that same intensity or longing the way others might.
Another way to look at it—a demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someone until they’ve bonded, whereas someone else might develop an emotional bond only after they’ve experienced that spark of sexual attraction.
Where Demisexuality Falls on the Sexuality Spectrum
Many demisexual people consider themselves to be on the asexual spectrum. While they may become attracted to another person over time, they don’t feel primary attraction, which is the initial attraction based on appearance, voice, or smell. However, other demisexuals feel that the term “asexuality” doesn’t fit their personal experience.
Demisexuality describes the circumstances in which a person experiences attraction. Who the person is attracted to can vary. Demisexuals may consider themselves heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, polyamorous, or pansexual. Regarding gender, a demisexual person might identify as male, female, agender, or nonbinary.
Margaret Seide, MD
With something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being.
— Margaret Seide, MD
Again, the primary difference that sets demisexuals apart from others is that they almost always (if not always) find themselves sexually attracted to a person only once they’ve bonded with them on a more intimate, emotional, or spiritual level.
It’s also worth pointing out that a person might consider themselves demisexual at one point in their lives and feel differently at another point. People are ever-evolving and fluid.
“If that seems confusing, it may be because human sexuality is not easily labeled, defined, and put into a neat category,” Seide said. “With something as complex and multi-layered as human sexuality, it makes sense that one word doesn’t capture someone’s full experience as a sexual being.”
The Difference Between Demisexual and Sapiosexual
The terms demisexual and sapiosexual are sometimes conflated. Though somewhat similar, they are actually two very different terms.
A demisexual person is someone who feels sexual attraction to someone only once they’ve emotionally bonded, a sapiosexual person finds themselves especially attracted to someone they view as intelligent.
Intelligence is a characteristic that you can assume about a person without knowing them at all or only minimally. For example, a sapiosexual person can feel captivated by someone based only on finding out they are a Rhodes Scholar or a nuclear physicist. This wouldn’t be in line with a demisexual, who requires more emotional depth.
So, Why Are the Terms Often Confused?
“Intelligence is a quality that can be known from a distance by that person’s accomplishments, but intelligence is also potentially an endearing and alluring quality that can form the basis for warmth and bonding. So, being a sapiosexual and demisexual [are] not the same, but not entirely separate,” Dr. Seide says.
Common Misconceptions About Demisexuality
Confusion about demisexuality is common. Many assumptions about demisexual persons are false:
- “It’s not a thing.” Many people experience sexual attraction in this way—enough to make the term useful. Like other words that people use to describe themselves and others, it’s a kind of shorthand that helps clarify a person’s preference when communicating with others, especially when dating.
- “Demisexuality is the same as asexuality.” Asexual people don’t (or rarely) experience sexual attraction or desire. Demisexual people do—just not in the same way as many others.
- “Demisexuals are gay/bisexual/asexual etc.” The term doesn’t describe attraction to a particular sex; it’s about if and how a person is attracted to another, not to whom they are attracted.
- “Demisexuals fear, hate, or feel shame about sex.” Demisexuality is not a moral choice, nor does it reflect a person’s view of sex itself. Demisexuals simply don’t feel attracted to people they don’t know.
- “Demisexuals have to be in love to have sex.” People who are demisexual require an emotional connection to feel attraction, but this isn’t limited to love and is particular to the person. This connection might be a close friendship, for example.
How to Know If You’re Demisexual
“[This current-day approach to sex] is so standard that it creates the need to define behavior that differs from that with a term like demisexual,” Dr. Seide said. “If you are only drawn to someone after you get to know their personality, their life story, and trust that person, you may be demisexual.”
Signs You May Be Demisexual
It’s possible that you’re demisexual if:
- You don’t feel sexually attracted to people unless you’ve gotten to know them
- It takes you a while to develop feelings of attraction to someone
- You don’t enjoy casual sex or friends-with-benefits relationships
- You prefer to take your time getting to know another person before getting involved romantically or sexually
How to Be Supportive of Demisexual People
Maybe a friend casually mentioned that they identify as demisexual, or perhaps someone came to you in confidence to share this intimate detail about themselves. It could also be possible that someone you’re romantically interested in has told you that they’re demisexual.
Whatever the case, it’s important to be sensitive, accepting, and patient.
It’s understandable if you’re not demisexual, but are dating someone who is, to feel hurt or slighted when sex is currently off the table. However, patience is vital to the ultimate success of your relationship, and it’s important to have a clear conversation about what your needs are and determine if the relationship is one you want to pursue.
Above all, it’s important to respect the other person’s boundaries and keep communication clear and honest.
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