Key Takeaways
- Assertive communication is the most effective style because it is honest and respects others’ feelings.
- Passive communication often leads to unmet needs because it avoids conflict and suppresses emotions.
- Aggressive communication can cause hurt feelings and arguments because it is overly direct and insensitive.
Communication is one of the most essential components of any interpersonal relationship, it allows us to feel both seen and heard in our lives. If you want to know what your communication style is, take this free quiz and find out!
Who Is This Communication Style Quiz for?
This quiz is for everyone! Even if you think you utilize the most constructive communication strategies ever, you can still benefit from knowing your specific style and how it relates to the others.
Knowing your communication style can also help you identify better ways to address and resolve conflict—something most of us could improve on. And even if you learn that your communication style is one of the less effective ones, there are plenty of ways to adjust your behavior to practice more effective approaches.
The Four Communication Styles
There are four distinct styles that heavily influence how someone’s message is conveyed. These are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. In a perfect world, everyone would have the skills to express their feelings and needs in a healthy way but in reality, we all develop our own patterns learned from what is modeled around us—for better or worse.
We’re not saying any particular communication style is wrong, just that some methods will be more effective than others. The way you communicate can easily strengthen a bond, or it can cause stress and tension. In order to avoid misunderstanding, it helps to understand your own and your loved ones’ communication style.
Passive
People with a passive communication style are generally more quiet, reserved, and less likely to openly express their feelings. They prefer to be supportive and defer decisions to others and have a tendency to be overly apologetic.
Passive communicators don’t like to be the center of attention so they rarely speak up, nor do they like to take a hard stance on anything. This doesn’t mean they don’t have opinions, they just may not feel comfortable sharing them, especially at the risk of conflict or upsetting someone.
While it’s good to be laid back in many circumstances, it can be tough for people with a passive communication style to have their needs met if they aren’t being emotionally honest.
Passive communication avoids conflict at the cost of unmet needs. People who communicate passively often suppress their emotions and struggle to stand up for themselves.
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SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
Aggressive
People with an aggressive communication style tend to be overly direct and dominant, often with minimal consideration for others. This often takes the form of yelling, shouting, dominating the conversation, and speaking forcefully before thinking. They can come across as defensive or even hostile when sharing their feelings. This behavior can be hurtful and alienating to anyone on the receiving end.
Aggressive communicators might feel good at getting a point across in what they perceive to be an efficient manner, but when the message is shared harshly—or at the expense of others’ feelings—it makes it hard for people to hear it and respond in a regulated way. Whether intentional or not, this communication style frequently triggers bigger arguments or animosity, due to the insensitive nature of how they phrase their message.
Passive-Aggressive
People with a passive-aggressive communication style tend to have a disconnect between their strong emotions and how those emotions are expressed. While they might seem passive on the surface, their behavior often manifests as covert aggression. They might make sarcastic comments, give the silent treatment, sulk, or procrastinate to show they don’t want to do something.
More frankly, passive-aggressive people can be pretty manipulative without realizing it. They aren’t comfortable expressing their emotions or needs outright, so they end up communicating their feelings in indirect or backhanded ways—hoping the other person will notice.
This behavior can be really frustrating when the person on the receiving end has to do so much interpreting in order to figure out what the passive-aggressive person actually wants. And it makes the passive-aggressive communicator equally frustrated when they just can’t seem to get the message across clearly.
Assertive
Assertive communication is generally considered the most effective communication style because it’s both emotionally honest and considerate of other people’s feelings. When it comes to sharing their thoughts and needs, assertive people are able to be direct, clear, and respectful. They don’t play mind games with hidden meaning, nor are they overly confrontational.
Assertive communication promotes open, honest, and respectful dialogue. Effective communication often involves respecting others and expressing oneself clearly and confidently.
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SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
Thus, assertive communicators generally have fewer conflicts and lower stress levels than people with other communication styles because they aren’t bottling anything up or communicating in ineffectual ways.
Assertive communication is widely viewed as the healthiest communication style and the one we should all strive towards. That being said, it’s OK if you have one of the other communication styles—but you may have to be extra mindful of how (or if) your message is being effectively shared.
Tips for Improving Your Communication Skills
Becoming a good communicator can be a lifelong process. When we all have different ways of relating to one another it takes real consideration and intentionality to know how to approach what we want to express successfully.
Luckily, there are lots of strategies for improving our communication, and the healthiest methods are most aligned with the assertive communication style.
Consider what you want to say ahead of time
Being prepared and avoiding impulsivity when communicating is one of the first steps to success. You want to be direct and timely when sharing your feelings or needs, but it helps to give yourself a little time to gather your thoughts and key points before sharing.
Be as clear and concise as possible
Once you figure out generally what you plan to say, it’s important to be as direct and succinct as you can be. Of course, many conversations will unfold with more detail and exploration, but it will save you a lot of stress if you stick to a clear point when initially approaching someone about your needs.
Practice active listening
Healthy communication is never one-sided, so you should be prepared to fully absorb what the other person is saying in response to you. Instead of preparing your rebuttal as someone is speaking, practice listening and really hearing what they are saying, asking questions for clarification for better understanding as needed.
A lot of us tend to only listen to respond, which prevents us from being effective communicators. After the person you’re talking to says their piece, try taking a pause or a breath before replying..
This can be especially helpful when you’re talking to someone with a very different communication style than you because it’ll give you a chance to process why their approach to the conversation might be a little bit different from yours.
Make sure you’re feeling level-headed
If you’re someone who has a more aggressively coded communication style, it’s worth giving yourself the space to get centered before sharing your feelings. It’s tough to be a concise communicator when you’re feeling angry, so even if it’s tempting to talk to someone at the height of passion you’re a lot less likely to have your needs met.
This is especially true if you’re talking to someone with a passive communication style, as any overly intense energy will make them even less likely to open up.
Avoid “Kitchen-Sinking”
When you are ready to communicate about one issue in particular, make sure you get clarity on what you want to talk about and focus on that topic. It can be easy to become distracted and go off on tangents or start bringing in other topics (known as “kitchen sinking”—when someone can’t stay on topic and starts bringing in other issues or problems), but in order to work through or effectively address what you want to discuss, it is important to focus and stay on one topic at a time.
Use “I ” statements
This is one of the oldest tricks in the book, but for good reason: using “I” statements makes the conversation a reflection of your perception of the situation instead of a commentary on what someone else is doing.
For instance, if you are talking to your boss about a work challenge you’ll have more success when you say something like “I am having a hard time with this project and I feel like I could improve if I had a little more support” as opposed to “This project is really difficult and you’re not giving me enough support”.
Practice empathy and non-judgement
At the end of the day, it’s essential to remember that everyone you interact with is coming to a conversation with their own unique way of seeing the world. This translates as all the varied communication styles.
Regardless of what communication you have or are aspiring towards having, it is important for all of us to practice empathy, compassion, respect, and patience when we’re interacting with one another. The things that are stressful or triggering for one person to talk about might not be the same for you, and this is a good thing to be mindful of.
