Key Takeaways
- When leaving a narcissist, it’s important to have a safety plan that includes a place to stay, a support network, and managing finances.
- Avoid debating or seeking closure during a break-up with a narcissist to prevent them from manipulating or becoming aggressive.
- You deserve a relationship where you are valued and treated with respect.
Ending any relationship—platonic, familial, or romantic—has its hardships. But ending a relationship with a narcissist? Well, that’s a whole ‘nother ball game.
Most of us have a baseline understanding of narcissism courtesy of pop culture psychology. It’s a super douchey person who lies, gaslights, lacks empathy, and is extremely (emphasis on extremely) self-centered. But what if I told you narcissism—and narcissists—are a lot more complicated and complex than this?
“Narcissism” is a term that’s generally used to describe people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as well as people with narcissistic traits. While NPD is a pattern of behaviors that appears in all aspects of a person’s life, narcissistic traits show up occasionally and in certain situations. Some narcissistic traits include a sense of entitlement, a grandiose sense of self, a lack of empathy, etc.
How to End a Relationship With a Narcissist
Deciding to leave a narcissist is a problem in itself. Narcissists often try to gain control over others through gaslighting and emotional abuse, says April Crowe, a licensed clinical social worker at Paramount Wellness Retreat.
“This destroys the self-esteem of the person being abused and creates a vicious circle of confusion and dependence,” she explains. As a result, it can be hard to pluck up the courage to leave.
Knowing When to Leave
Becoming aware of their behavior and the patterns in your relationship is the first step towards leaving the relationship. “Being able to identify these toxic cycles is important because it allows one to plan their escape from such relationships in a secure manner,” Crowe adds. Once you identify the cycle and decide to leave, the next step is to plan your exit.
Creating a Safety Plan
Some narcissists may become abusive and aggressive when they feel threatened. And they will likely feel threatened when you tell them you’re leaving. For your own safety and wellbeing, it’s crucial to plan ahead of time before you physically leave.
This is called a safety plan. A safety plan is important especially if you live with the narcissist in question, or if you share finances, children, or pets. Safety plans should be individually adapted to suit your specific circumstances.
A safety plan for leaving a narcissist can include:
- Finding a place to stay: You might be able to stay with a friend or family member until you can find a home for yourself (or your children). You can also consider contacting a domestic violence shelter.
- Building a support network: Tell trusted friends and family members about your plan. Emphasize that they can’t tell the narcissist about your plans to leave—even if they intend to mediate. A therapist can also form a part of your support structure.
- Figuring out finances: If you are financially dependent on the narcissist, you might want to start setting aside money, applying for jobs, or looking into state benefits so that you can afford to stay on your feet. “The more independent you can become before leaving, the better,” Marissa Moore, a licensed professional counselor, couple therapist, and mental health consultant at Mentalyc.
- Keep important documents aside: Before you leave, place important documents like passports, social security cards, birth certificates, and financial documents in a secret location. You can keep them in a file with a trusted loved one.
- Keep an extra set of keys: Consider making a copy of your house keys (and keeping a spare car key on hand). If they try to restrict your access to your car and/or home, you can still access it.
- Document any abuse, even if you’re not planning on pressing charges: Documenting abuse can include taking photographs or videos, telling others (loved ones, therapists, and doctors), taking screenshots of abusive messages or emails, and keeping a written record of dates and incidents.
If you have children, pets, or dependent family members, you might want to consider getting them to a place of safety before leaving yourself.
For more suggestions on creating a safety plan, take a look at The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guide.
What Not to Say or Do When Leaving a Narcissist
Ending a relationship with a narcissist is seldom the same as ending a relationship with someone who isn’t a narcissist. The conversations you’d ordinarily have during a break-up might lead to further manipulation and aggression from them. Thus, consider the following:
- Avoid getting into debates: You don’t need to reason with them, explain why you’re leaving, or justify your decision, Crowe and Moore say. Narcissists can use these conversations to manipulate you further.
- Don’t expect closure: “Crowe says that more often than not, narcissists do not offer or accept the closure that is expected from the end of a relationship, leaving their partners in a state of discomfort.
- Don’t accuse them of being narcissistic: It’s not your job to explain their behavioral patterns or help them grow as a person, so don’t try to “teach them” a lesson. “They often see this as a challenge and will respond with gaslighting, guilt trips, or even anger,” Moore says.
Lastly, don’t leave the door open. It’s a good idea to go “no contact” with a narcissist. This can include blocking them on social media and, if need be, changing your phone number.
“If you must stay in touch—like for co-parenting—try to keep communication as business-like and minimal as possible,” Moore says. Crowe also suggests switching from calls to emails, which are less personal. Also, written communication makes it less easy for them to gaslight you into believing that you said something you didn’t say.
“Your safest approach is to keep your reasons brief, avoid emotional entanglement, and stick to practical details about the separation,” Moore says.
Staying Safe
Not all narcissistic people are physically abusive. But even non-abusive narcissistic people might become aggressive when you leave them.
If you live together, it might be a good idea to leave while they’re not home. Take a trusted friend or family member with you if you’re afraid.
Depending on whether the narcissist is abusive or not, you might want to take the following steps to stay safe after leaving them:
- Change your passwords for any accounts including social media apps, bank accounts, and emails
- Change your route to and from work and other places you frequent
- Go to a different store, gym, and coffee shop to where you usually go
- Tell your coworkers and your children’s school in case the narcissist shows up
- Consider getting a restraining order
“If there’s any chance of the situation becoming unsafe, consider reaching out to a domestic violence organization,” Moore says. “Your safety is the number one priority.”
Can a Relationship With a Narcissist Be Saved?
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist—whether they’re your romantic partner, parent, or a friend—you might wonder whether it’s possible for them to change. Can things get better?
“It’s natural to hope a relationship can be salvaged, especially if the person shows some narcissistic traits but isn’t outright abusive,” Moore says.
The question is less about whether a narcissist can change and more about whether they will change.
True narcissists rarely take accountability, and meaningful change is unlikely without deep therapy. If you’re with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies but is willing to engage in therapy and genuinely work on themselves, there might be some hope.
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MARISSA MOORE, A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, COUPLE THERAPIST, AND MENTAL HEALTH CONSULTANT AT MENTALYC.
At the same time, there is a caveat. “It’s important to assess whether you’re holding onto a version of them that you wish existed rather than who they really are,” she adds.
How to Spot the Signs in the Future
After breaking up with a narcissist, you might be hesitant to start dating again. You might be afraid that you’ll attract another narcissist. Although it’s not always easy to tell whether someone is a narcissist or not, there are a few “red flags” to look out for.
Moore often tells her clients to watch for how someone handles boundaries. “Narcissists often push boundaries subtly at first, then more overtly as they test your tolerance.”
According to Moore, narcissists often:
- Handle boundaries poorly: “Narcissists often push boundaries subtly at first, then more overtly as they test your tolerance,” she says.
- Dominate conversations: They might have a pervasive need for constant attention.
- Lack empathy: They might seem unable to feel for others.
- React poorly to criticism: For narcissists, all criticism—even kind, constructive criticism—might feel like a personal attack.
- Love-bomb you: Lovebombing is where someone showers you with excessive attention and affection. “A healthy relationship grows gradually, but a narcissist often tries to fast-track it,” Moore says.
Moore advises you to trust your gut. “If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to those feelings rather than brushing them aside,” she says. “The key is to stay attuned to how you feel in the relationship—whether it’s uplifting and respectful or leaves you feeling drained and doubting yourself. Trusting yourself is the first step to breaking the cycle.”
Therapy can be a helpful tool in rebuilding self-trust and learning to check in on your feelings. A therapist can also help you set and maintain boundaries in other relationships.
Keep in Mind
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist—whether they’re a partner, friend, or family member—can be a complicated process. One that becomes even more challenging if you share a home, children, or finances.
But the effort is worth it. “It is a long fight,” Crowe states. “But taking this action is the first step toward a better and brighter tomorrow.”
Moore agrees, adding that it’s possible to leave the relationship and reclaim your life. “You deserve to be with someone who values and respects you for who you are,” she says.
