Key Takeaways
- When talking about narcissism, a flying monkey is a person who helps the abuser by defending their behavior and manipulating others on their behalf.
- People become flying monkeys due to codependence, fear of rejection, or deception.
- Recognizing and setting firm boundaries with flying monkeys is key to protecting your emotional well-being.
When people discuss narcissists, they sometimes use the phrase ‘flying monkeys.’ The term is used to describe people who perform the bidding of a narcissist or abuser, similar to the winged servants of the Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz.” They did the bidding for the Wicked Witch in much the same way as people might ‘work’ for a narcissist—hence the term being used to describe these people.
Narcissists might use their friends or family—or even yours—as spies, or to spread rumors, making them act as substitutes for themselves. People who become flying monkeys are often codependent and have been drawn into the narcissist’s false narrative. They may spread rumors, defend the abuse, and manipulate others, often without even realizing that they’re being used.
The Roles of a Flying Monkey
Flying monkeys often perform several roles at the behest of the narcissist, including:
- Spreading lies and gossip: Flying monkeys help the narcissist achieve their goals by sharing targeted information about the target of the abuse.
- Forming a shared fantasy: The flying monkey becomes a part of the narcissist’s false narrative, helping to shape a shared, but distorted, reality that allows the person to feel special or unique.
- Acting as a weapon: The narcissist uses the flying monkey as a weapon to attack and control the target of the abuse. This often happens through intimidation or manipulation.
- Enabling abusive behavior: Flying monkeys defend, dismiss, or excuse the narcissist’s abusive behavior.
Flying monkeys are an example of narcissistic triangulation. Triangulation is a behavior in which a person involves a third person in a conflict or social situation to gain control over or manipulate the target person.
Why People Become Flying Monkeys
There’s no easy answer here, as there could be any number of reasons. Often, narcissists will begin ‘grooming’ their flying monkeys from the beginning, testing the relationship between you and them.
They can flip things, making people believe that they’re the ones being abused, rather than it being the other way around.
- People-pleasing: Flying monkeys are often people-pleasers. They want to be helpful and don’t want to disappoint the narcissist, particularly if they’re a friend or relative.
- Fear and coercion: It’s also likely that they’ve been manipulated or coerced by the narcissist themselves, or fear them and submit to them, so they don’t become a target themselves.
- Denial: They could be in denial, or “simply lack the emotional intelligence or empathy to understand the harm they’re participating in,” explains Lauren Kerwin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. Often, flying monkeys fulfill their role without actually realizing it, or genuinely believing that the narcissist is in the right because they’re taken in by them and their perspective.
- NPD: Somebody with narcissistic personality disorder might be a flying monkey. In this case, a narcissist might submit to another one if there’s something in it for them, be it money, power, or the hope of overtaking them in the future.
- Anxiety: People with anxiety might be drawn to the power and confidence the narcissist projects
- Codependence: Codependent people may like to serve a narcissist as a way of feeling purpose and satisfaction with their life.
Sometimes, flying monkeys will have conditions or disorders that make them more susceptible. However, this certainly doesn’t mean that everybody with a certain condition will be a flying monkey.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is a Flying Monkey?
“It’s often difficult to recognize a flying monkey,” explains Kerwin, “as they may seem like normal people who are simply taking sides in a disagreement or conflict.”
Signs Someone Is a Flying Monkey
However, Dr. Kerwin outlines a few key tell-tale signs to look out for:
- They side with the narcissist no matter the situation or evidence presented to them.
- They spread gossip or rumors about you.
- They gaslight or manipulate you.
- They dismiss or trivialize your feelings.
- They pass on information about you to help the narcissist harass you.
Flying monkeys could be friends or associates of the narcissist, friends or associates of you, or people you think of as authority figures.
How to Deal With Them
Dealing with flying monkeys isn’t always going to be easy. However, Dr. Kerwin suggests some strategies that you can try.
- Be firm with boundaries.
- Avoid confrontation, as it can create drama.
- Get support from trusted loved ones or a mental health professional.
- Document any incidents of abuse/harassment, as this could be useful if you involve the authorities.
- Limit contact as much as you can.
It might be difficult to follow these steps, particularly if you’re leaving a relationship with a narcissist or cutting them out of your life. They may send flying monkeys after you, and limiting contact entirely may not be possible. However, it’s important to be as firm as you can when you set boundaries and avoid confrontation where possible.
Before you cut a narcissist out of your life or end your relationship, make a plan and a list of reasons why you’re leaving the relationship. This is a good idea because the narcissist and their flying monkeys can distort reality, causing you to question yourself, too.
If you’re having to deal with flying monkeys, whether the narcissist is still in your life or not, you may benefit from speaking to a mental health professional. They can offer you help and advice tailored to your circumstances and situation. They can help you manage in the aftermath if you decide to end the relationship, as narcissistic abuse can have long-term mental health effects.
