Key Takeaways
- Texting too much, especially demands, can feel controlling and should be avoided.
- When arguing, it’s better to talk in person than to text.
- Couples who text at the same rate and style are usually happier together.
There’s a saying that “a watched clock never moves.” A more accurate statement might be that “a watched smartphone never pings.” There are few things more anxiety-provoking than being left “unread” when you text someone—unless maybe it’s seeing the text bubble that they are typing and never receiving a response.
In fact, countless studies have shown that texting can create a great deal of anxiety. Research also suggests that communicating via text has the power to both help and hinder our relationships.
Learning how texting can impact our relations with others can help us keep in touch with loved ones in positive versus negative ways. It also helps to know some common mistakes to avoid, such as having long texting conversations and arguing via text.
Why We Text in Relationships
Aside from being a functional way to communicate, texting allows people to escape their present situation. People may text because they are bored, or because they feel it’s a better way to express themselves rather than talking on the phone or in person.
But, there’s a risk that texting could become a crutch too. When this happens, it becomes a barrier to creating meaningful relationships with others. Additionally, texting frequently can come from a place of loneliness, which only exacerbates the issue by further alienating and isolating the texter.
How Texting Impacts Relationships
Texting has the power to be a good thing, but issues crop up when it becomes your main mode of communication. Too many times, there is a lot of miscommunication that takes place with texts. When this happens, it can alter the entire course of the relationship. Here are some ways in which texting impacts relationships.
Texting Nice Things
Texting a compliment, a funny meme, or a positive comment can make the person on the receiving end feel closer to you and more satisfied with the relationship. Likewise, checking in on someone or just letting them know that you’re thinking of them can strengthen your relationship too.
Helpful Texting Tip
Regularly send encouraging notes to your partner and limit texts about picking up milk and other mundane tasks.
Hyperactive Sexting
While you might think that sending sexy messages, nude photos, or sexts in a relationship helps spice it up and keep things interesting, research has shown that relationships involving excessive sexting usually experience more conflict.
Partners also were more likely to be ambivalent about the relationship’s long-term potential and report lower levels of commitment and attachment. A sexy picture or note now and then is fine if it’s consensually sent and received; but avoid sending these types of messages in excess. In-person intimacy is always a better option.
Excessive Texting
Anytime one partner texts the other excessively, this is a warning sign. For instance, texting non-stop could indicate that one partner is clingy and needy or that they are feeling insecure in the relationship.
While this is harmful to the person doing the excessive texting, it can also be smothering to the person on the receiving end. Additionally, you want to link yourself with someone who is secure and doesn’t need you to give them worth or meaning.
Excessive texting—especially when it involves demanding to know where someone is, who they are with, and what they are doing—can even be controlling and abusive. If you’re in a relationship with someone who texts excessively or aggressively, you may want to distance yourself from them.
Common Texting Mistakes
People are constantly sizing up one another’s behavior, and texting is a primary way in which we begin making evaluations about a relationship early on. When you just start seeing someone, their texting habits can be both intriguing and baffling at the same time. Here are some common mistakes people make when texting in relationships.
Using It to Deal With Conflict
If there’s a problem in the relationship, text messaging may not be the best way to resolve it. Texting is not always a good conflict-resolution tool. Instead, arrange a time to talk to one another in person.
By doing so, you can have a more meaningful conversation because you can see each other’s expressions and hear each other’s tone of voice. These things are vital parts of healthy communication.
Using text messages to communicate about sensitive issues may increase the risk that things will be misinterpreted.
Asking Too Many Questions
One or two questions shows that you have interest in a person. But asking too many questions via text can start to feel like an interrogation. And when this happens, the person on the receiving end can start to feel defensive.
Limit your texted questions to just one or two. There will be plenty of time to ask more questions in person as the relationship progresses.
Having Long Texting Conversations
Generally speaking, your texts shouldn’t be too long. Ideally, you want to keep their length to about that of a tweet. Having long texting conversations can be annoying to the people on the receiving end, especially if they’re busy at work or trying to complete a project.
That being said, there are circumstances in which more in-depth conversations can be had over text. Just make sure you aren’t relying on text messaging as your primary form of communication.
Arguing by Text
Not texting when you’re angry should go without saying. Yet, many people still make this mistake. If you’re angry or you just had a disagreement, put your phone down. Not only will you probably regret what you type, but your text will also not likely be interpreted the way you want it to be.
Take some time to cool off and then speak to one another in person to resolve the issue.
Waking the Other Person Up
When it comes to texting friends and partners, it’s important to be respectful of their schedules. Refrain from sending text messages super early in the morning or late at night.
While many people keep their phones on silent while they sleep, it’s more considerate to wait until regular hours to send someone a text. If you do happen to send a text late at night or early in the morning by mistake, make sure you take a moment to apologize.
How to Determine Text Compatibility
Researchers have discovered that it isn’t specifically what you text or how you text your partner that helps create satisfaction in a relationship. It’s your “texting compatibility” that actually predicts relationship satisfaction. In other words, when both partners approach texting in the same way, they make for a happier couple.
Not surprisingly, text messages from someone who texts at the same rate and pace you do will be welcomed in your inbox. But if you’re partnered with someone who texts too much, or even too little, you’ll eventually become annoyed. Here are three telltale signs that you and your partner are text-compatible.
Texting the Same Amount
It doesn’t matter whether you type long paragraphs to one another or you type a few short sentences, as long as they are roughly the same, you are compatible. Meanwhile, there’s nothing worse than pouring your heart out in text and only getting a one or two-word reply in response. Likewise, if you prefer short text messages, receiving a long text can be annoying.
Initiating Texts Equally
In the beginning stages of a relationship, couples are hyper-aware of who initiates each text. So, as the relationship progresses, if one person initiates all the contact, it signals that there’s some texting incompatibility present.
Ideally, both partners are initiating text-based contact with equal frequency. It’s when they are unbalanced that issues can result.
Texting Just to Chat
This type of texting is equivalent to small talk. You text each other just to say hello or to check-in. Or, maybe you text one another funny memes or links to interesting articles. When this type of texting occurs in a relationship, it’s actually a positive sign and a good indicator of overall relationship satisfaction.
If Texting Is Hurting Your Relationship
If you’re frequently disappointed in the way your partner responds to you via text, take some time to talk about it. Although discussing your concerns won’t necessarily bring about changes, you’ll at least gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from.
This way, the next time you get a text that irritates you, you’ll understand the motivation behind it and not take it too personally. Then, when you’re ready, talk about what you’d like when it comes to texting. This can help build your relationship in the same way as talking about your other relationship needs.
