Key Takeaways
- Domestic discipline is seen as a form of abuse and is harmful to health and well-being.
- Advocates use religion to justify control and violence over their partners.
- Many religious leaders argue that domestic discipline misinterprets the Bible and promotes abuse.
Domestic discipline (Christian domestic discipline) is a heterosexual marriage lifestyle that encourages the husband (who is considered the head of the household, or HoH) to spank his wife for mistakes or misbehavior.
Domestic discipline is based on an interpretation of the Bible that sanctions a husband’s dominance and a wife’s submission. Many researchers argue that allowing one partner to exert this type of authority represents domestic abuse that can destroy self-esteem and dignity.
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Domestic Discipline Practices
Although most of the punishment in a domestic discipline arrangement involves spanking, people who engage in the practice might incorporate other forms, too—for example, the HoH (head of household) administering some sort of humiliating punishment or forcing his partner to stand in the corner. Some use hair brushes, paddles, and the like to “discipline” their wives.
Many psychologists consider domestic discipline a form of deviant behavior.
The Power Imbalance: Day-to-Day CDD Life
The husband generally holds all the power in the relationship and spanks, hits, humiliates, or otherwise punishes the wife physically, mentally, or emotionally to maintain it. The HoH typically controls all decisions and, often, the purse strings. For example, an HoH might require his wife—whom a few denominations refer to as “taken in hand,” or “TIH”—to ask permission for simple things such as driving the car or visiting friends. Should she forget or disobey, he will hurt her in some way as punishment.
Domestic discipline communicates that the wife deserves punishment for mistakes and transgressions. These beliefs are in line with what most abusive partners assert: that she brought it upon herself.
Where Does It Come From?
Websites, forums, and CDD chat groups are full of information espousing and explaining this practice for those who are curious. Commonly, they cite religious belief and a literal interpretation of the Bible to justify causing their wives pain and disempowerment.
What the Research Says
Domestic discipline claims stand in stark contrast to research findings. Here are a few examples.
Domestic Discipline Claims
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Supported by the Bible
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Requires consent from both parties
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Teaches wife to be submissive
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Punishes wives’ transgressions with physical and/or emotional discipline
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A mutually beneficial, morally sound lifestyle choice
What Research Actually Says
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Based on misinterpretations of the Bible
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Is controlling and abusive
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Undermines mutuality in marriage
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Constitutes abuse
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A harmful, deviant behavior that attempts to justify violence toward and subversion of women
Domestic Discipline and the Bible
Although defenders of domestic discipline argue that their lifestyle is rooted in religious teachings, many Christian religious leaders disagree. For example, those who practice domestic discipline often cite passages that call for wifely submission.
Many religious leaders, however, say they’re taking the passage out of context to justify their beliefs and actions. They and other opponents of the movement reject the lifestyle’s arguments, claiming they distort and misuse the concepts of headship and submission to keep women subservient to men. Many say those who practice it simply use scripture to justify physical and emotional abuse of women, couching their actions in religious terms.
In fact, many Christian churches teach mutual respect and egalitarian relationships. Even churches that teach spousal submission emphasize that husbands must be willing to lay down their lives for their wives just as Christ, they say, did for the Church.
“My understanding of this scripture is that wives would follow their husband’s leadership in Christ,” says Dr. Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a psychology professor at Pepperdine University, a Christian university in California.
“Just as Christ served his disciples to the point of washing their feet, He is asking husbands to serve their wives,” Dr, Bahar adds. “A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not abuse his wife, which would include a physical altercation like spanking.”
Domestic Discipline or Domestic Abuse?
Dr. Bahar says domestic discipline is a form of abuse that’s consistent with the three phases of abuse conceptualized in the late 1970s by psychologist Lenore Walker. These phases—sometimes called the cycle of violence— include:
- Tension-building phase: the build-up to abuse
- Acute battering episode: the spanking
- Honeymoon phase: “after care,” which may include remorse and making up
She adds that domestic discipline is a physical, mental, emotional, and sexual safety risk that harms health and well-being—and is even more damaging if children observe these acts of violence.
Is It Abuse?
The CDC defines abuse (intimate partner violence) as physical or sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression (or emotional and verbal abuse) perpetrated by a current or former intimate partner. Consequently, despite the arguments of its proponents, domestic discipline is widely viewed as an abusive practice that harms women.
Similarities Between Abuse and Domestic Discipline
A relationship is abusive when one person has complete power and control over the other and uses physical violence to maintain that control.
Just as in other abusive relationships, the abused has no say over what happens and can feel like they are walking on eggshells. The HoH controls everything from what their spouse can wear to whom they can talk with. Financial, emotional, and verbal abuse sometimes accompanies this control, along with the commonly employed physical violence.
These and other signs of abuse border on indistinguishable from common practices in domestic discipline. Here’s a quick comparison.
Abuse
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May include physical violence
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Isolates partner from family and friends
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Leverages a power imbalance in the relationship
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Threatens retaliation to maintain control
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Believes the abuse is justified or the victim’s fault
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Maintains financial control
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Denies abuse or violence and argues it’s not as bad as victim claims
Domestic Discipline
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May employ spanking and other physical violence
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Sets rules about wife’s interactions with others
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Gives all the power to the HoH
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Threatens spanking if rules are broken
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Believes spanking is appropriate for mistakes or rule-breaking
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Maintains financial control
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Denies that this lifestyle is abusive and argues that it’s consensual and Biblically based
The Top 5 Justifications Proponents Use
Researchers studying this lifestyle used anonymous public testimonials and websites to explore the techniques that HoHs, their partners, and the domestic discipline community use to rationalize the practice of wife-spanking.
Five stood out: An appeal to higher loyalties, denial of responsibility (entitlement), denial of the victim (victim blaming), denial of injury (justification), and a condemnation of those who denounce the practice. Here’s a deeper look.
An Appeal to Higher Loyalties
Offenders claim that a bond exists between the pair that they consider more important than current social norms. For example, this bond might be their beliefs about religion, the nature of God, or the meaning of marriage.
Entitlement
Supporters of this lifestyle typically argue that Scripture gives men the authority to discipline their wives. They claim that domestic discipline is the natural order and that the HoH has a responsibility to discipline his wife for the sake of the marriage.
Victim-Blaming
Offenders often blame the offended to neutralize guilt. In this context, HoHs accuse their wives of deserving violence with language like “You had it coming” or “You should have known better.”
In this way, the focus shifts to what the victim supposedly did. Many domestic-discipline relationships are so extreme that even the slightest infractions are excuses for discipline.
Justification
Although spankings and other forms of domestic discipline are often painful and leave bruises or other injuries (both physical and psychological), the HoH minimizes them as insignificant or natural consequences for her bad behavior. He might argue that his actions are necessary for the stability of the marriage and presume that “this is what God wants.”
Condemnation
Offenders shift the blame from themselves to others who disapprove of their actions. They claim that society is corrupt and that any beliefs contrary to theirs are the reasons for failing marriages. They maintain that this lifestyle saves marriages and that those who do not accept what they view as God’s mandates are doomed.
How to Get Help
If you’re in a domestic-discipline relationship, enlist the aid of an advocate or mental health counselor who can help you make an informed, rational decision about your situation. And know you’re not alone: According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in three U.S. women has been the victim of physical violence in an intimate relationship. Meanwhile, nearly 20 people of any gender are abused by a partner every minute.
If you’re worried about your safety or that of your children, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for assistance from a highly trained advocate, or visit the website to chat, text, or email. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
