How Early Relationships Are Internalized

Key Takeaways

• Object relations theory shows how early relationships, especially with parents, shape how we relate to others later in life.
• This theory says we have mental images of people that affect how we interact with them, even if they aren’t around.

Object relations theory is centered on our internal relationships with others. According to this theory, our lifelong relationship skills are strongly rooted in our early attachments with our parents, especially our mothers.

Objects refer to people or physical items that symbolically represent a person or part of a person. Object relations, then, are our internalized relationships with those people.

External and Internal Objects

There are two primary types of objects in object relations theory: external and internal ones.

External Objects

An external object is an actual person or thing that someone invests in with emotional energy. A whole object is a person as they actually exist, with all the positive and negative traits they embody.

If we successfully move through the stages of development, we are able to relate to others more as a whole and as they truly are.

Internal Objects

An internal object is our psychological and emotional impression of a person. It is the representation that we hold onto when the person is not physically there, and it influences how we view the person in real life.

Consequently, the internal object greatly impacts our relationship with the person that it represents.

Object Constancy

Object constancy is the ability to recognize that objects do not change simply because we do not see them. Infants begin to learn object constancy when their parents leave for a short time and then return. As children mature, they begin to spend longer periods of time away from their parents.

Whole Object Relations

Another important concept in object relations theory is the idea of whole object relations. This idea suggests that people can view people as an integrated and stable whole. This includes both the positive and negative qualities of a person. 

A person lacking whole object relations may hold a “split” view of other people. This person may see others as either “all good” or “all bad,” depending on how they relate to them in a given moment.

It’s a phenomenon known as “splitting,” and it tends to be common in people who have borderline personality disorder. 

While the causes of borderline personality disorder are complex, it has been linked to negative childhood experiences, including abuse, trauma, neglect, and abandonment. Other research has found that object relations also predict BPD symptoms.

The Importance of Early Relationships

According to the object relations theory, the way mothers and infants interact plays a crucial role in infant growth and development. If care is adequate or “good enough,” children are able to develop their true selves, which is the part of the baby that is creative and spontaneous.

If the care is inadequate, children create a false self or one that is playing to the needs of others and is based on compliance with others’ expectations, instead of the child’s authentic self.

Over time, acceptable parental care that will create the true self includes the following stages:

• Father, mother, and infant, all three living together: The dynamics and interactions that the child experiences with their mother and father influence the child’s experience and expectations of what family relationships will be like later in life.
• Holding: Actual physical affection and holding, including cuddling, holding hands, or lap sitting, is familiar and regular behavior in satisfactory parental care. These later become internalized as a sense of psychological “holding.”
• Mother and infant living together: Experiencing the daily routine of both psychological and physical care, such as eating, grooming, and interacting through mundane tasks, are important for the baby’s proper development.

According to object relations theory, problems with any of these important experiences can cause issues in developing healthy relationships later in life.

History of Object Relations Theory

The theory emerged as a variation of Freudian psychoanalytic theory. Object relations theory developed during the late 1920s and 1930s and shaped psychoanalytic theory during the 1970s.

Object relations theory grew out of the work of early psychoanalytic thinkers, including:

• Sandor Ferenczi
• Harry Stack Sullivan
• Karl Abraham
• Margaret Mahler
• Melanie Klein

While she did not originate the theory, Melanie Klein’s ideas are often identified with object relations theory. Her work diverged from Freud’s theory, which stressed how controlling sexual urges influenced development. Instead, Klein believed that the early months of infancy significantly influenced development.

Ronald Fairborn extended Klein’s ideas, suggesting that these relationships remain essential as children progress from the complete dependence of early childhood to the more independent years of later childhood. He also indicated that children internalize their early experiences.

Object relations theory also influenced John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which stresses the vital impact of early childhood bonds.

Uses for Object Relations Theory

Object relations therapy is an approach rooted in object relations theory. It seeks to help people improve their relationships with others. To do this, people work with a therapist to understand how their childhood relationships may influence their interactions in adult relationships. 

This therapy approach may help people experiencing problems in their relationships. Understanding their emotions and internalized beliefs can help people develop a healthier approach to their social relationships.

For example, a therapist might work to explore some faulty beliefs that may have formed due to poor connections with caregivers in infancy and childhood. People can work to replace these ideas with healthier expectations for how interpersonal and romantic relationships should work.

Object relations theory is sometimes used to treat phobias, particularly those that focus on our relationships with people.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. National Institute of Mental Health. Borderline personality disorder.

2. Cattane N, Rossi R, Lanfredi M, Cattaneo A. Borderline personality disorder and childhood trauma: Exploring the affected biological systems and mechanisms. BMC Psychiatry. 2017;17(1):221. doi:10.1186/s12888-017-1383-2

3. Huprich SK, Nelson SM, Paggeot A, Lengu K, Albright J. Object relations predicts borderline personality disorder symptoms beyond emotional dysregulation, negative affect, and impulsivity. Personal Disord. 2017;8(1):46-53. doi:10.1037/per0000188

4. Svrakic DM, Zorumski CF. Neuroscience of object relations in health and disorder: A proposal for an integrative model. Front Psychol. 2021;12:583743. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.583743

5. Siegel JP. Digging deeper: An object relations couple therapy update. Fam Process. 2020;59(1):10-20. doi:10.1111/famp.12509

By Lisa Fritscher

Lisa Fritscher is a freelance writer and editor with a deep interest in phobias and other mental health topics.

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