Key Takeaways
- Have self-confidence and understand that being friend-zoned might not be about you.
- If you’re not okay with just being friends, set boundaries or consider separating to protect your mental health.
- Work on your self-esteem to express your true feelings and recognize when the friendship isn’t working for you.
So, you’ve found yourself squarely in the friend zone and aren’t quite sure how to whittle your way out. It’s a common dilemma in the dating world, and one that requires some intention, candidness, and a dash of self confidence.
Your first order of business? Figuring out why you and this potential partner aren’t progressing in the romance department. From there, you can decide the next best steps for both of you—like whether it makes sense to transition the relationship to a romantic one or move on healthily together.
Why It’s Easy to Get Stuck in the Friend Zone
The ‘Friend Zone’ has a sort of negative connotation to it, but when you think about it, friendship is where so many great romances begin. Still, if you’re feeling a romantic attraction to the other person, getting stuck in this friendly space can turn awkward real quick.
“The friend zone is that awkward emotional space where one person wants more—romantically or sexually—but the other sees them only as a friend,” explains Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, sociologist and sex educator at Pjur. “For the person with feelings, it can feel like being stuck in limbo.”
The friend zone is that awkward emotional space where one person wants more—romantically or sexually—but the other sees them only as a friend.
She says that people end up in the friend zone for all sorts of reasons. Maybe it’s a case of mismatched chemistry or the issue could simply be bad timing. Sometimes both parties might actually catch feels for the other, but they’re scared to go for it and risk the friendship. Totally normal, but also a recipe for ruts.
“A lot of people end up in the friend zone because they’re afraid to be direct about their desires,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. “They might avoid flirting or expressing attraction in order to seem ‘safe’ or easygoing. They might take on the role of caretaker or best buddy—totally fun and trustworthy, but not exactly sparking sexual energy.”
Risks of Staying in the Friend Zone
It might feel safe to stay in the friend zone, but over time this can start to really get to you. Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health, says you might start feeling rejected, insecure, hurt, or even a bit resentful of the other person.
“If not coped with in a healthy way, these feelings may lead to an issue with attachment, unhealthy behaviors, or unrealistic expectations with friendships or relationships,” Stockard warns.
Are You Friend-Zoning Them?
If you are the person who is putting the person in the friend zone, it is important to consider how being friend-zoned may make them feel, Stockard says. “I recommend being empathetic of their feelings, giving them space to process if you reject them, and being mindful of situations that may make them feel uncomfortable.”
Self-Reflection and Acceptance
Since this story is still being written, you’ll never know what lies on the next page if you don’t get honest with yourself and the other person. But how do you do that without compromising your friendship or getting hurt? Well, the best defense (and medicine) for a wounded ego is a healthy sense of self-esteem paired with an acceptance of whatever the reality may be. This is true in dating, but also in every life application.
“It is important to have a good sense of self-esteem to understand that while you may get friend-zoned by a person, it may have nothing to do with who you are as a person or their interest levels in you,” Stockard says. “It is important to acknowledge that not everyone is going to be a good fit, and while you may feel that you and this person are a good fit, the other person may not agree.” And you know what? That’s completely OK!
Having self-confidence means you also recognize your autonomy in this friend zone sitch. If you’re not comfortable being *just friends* then it may be in your best interest to form some boundaries or separate from the person overall. Your mental health and self-esteem are equally important.
Benefits of Working on Your Self-Confidence
- You’re more likely to express your true feelings and needs, even if it means risking the close dynamic you’ve had, Dr. Gunsaullus says.
- It provides clarity to recognize when something isn’t working for you anymore, and the strength to walk away with your dignity intact.
- It prevents you from changing yourself to be “more lovable.” (You already are!)
- Improved confidence gives you the courage to create boundaries that protect your mental health
- It’ll give you a more positive outlook on life and improve your overall well-being.
Strategies to Exit the Friend Zone
If you’ve found yourself in the friend zone and are looking for your exit, follow this expert advice on what to do.
Step 1: Address the Elephant in the Room
If you haven’t yet expressed your feelings and it’s been eating away at you, it’s time to name the elephant in the room. “This means clearly and kindly expressing your feelings—although do so without putting any pressure on them to return the feelings,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. “This vulnerability can be powerful.”
Step 2: Respond Accordingly
The reality is that expressing your feelings can go a few different ways.
- They feel the same way: In the happiest of scenarios, the other says they’ve been feeling the same way, too. If so, go ahead and gently shift the energy. “Flirt a little, suggest a more date-like hangout, and make a bit of physical contact, like touching their arm or leg, brushing their hair out of their face,” advises Gunsaullus. Research has found that this physical touch releases oxytocin and brings you closer together.
- They’re unsure what to think: The other person may be completely shocked by your feelings, and that’s totally normal. They have their fears and feelings, so they may need time to think things through. Give them the space to do so, and avoid putting pressure on them for an answer.
- They don’t feel the same way: This hurts so much, but you’re finally free to move forward. “I recommend acknowledging the fact that you are in a friendship and reflect on if you want to maintain a friendship with this person,” Stockard says. You can either part ways, or genuinely accept the friendship. Anything else will keep you stuck.
Step 3: Focus on Self-Improvement
No matter their response to this revelation, it’s important to foster self-improvement via mental, emotional, and physical development. “Take the time to work on yourself, build your confidence, focus on your hobbies, and improve your social skills,” Stockard advises.
These changes will help you feel better and may even help the other person see you in a new light. And even if you both decide it’s best to stay friends, a high self-esteem means you’ll feel more fulfilled in everyday life and put you in a great place when you find a partner that feels the same way about you.
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