Key Takeaways
- Over-apologizing can show insecurity, as people may not trust their worth and want to avoid rejection.
- Difficulty accepting compliments may mean you’re insecure and have trouble accepting yourself.
- Constantly needing validation from others signals a lack of confidence in your own self-worth.
It’s impossible to find a single person who hasn’t felt insecure at some point in their life. Even the people who seemingly ride through waves without a care in the world have insecurities. That’s because, while we typically think of insecurity as an obvious thing, the reality is that it pops up in all sorts of subtle ways. Below, we lay out the low-key ways insecurity rears its head, how it can impact your personal and professional life, and the steps you can take to address it head-on.
Understanding Insecurity
Long story short, insecurity is the experience of feeling unsafe or uncertain within ourselves.
Where does it come from? Janice Holland, a licensed professional counselor and certified trauma model therapist, has all the answers.
“It often stems from unresolved trauma or unmet needs, leading to an internal state of hyper-vigilance where we seek external validation, over-analyze our actions, and doubt our worth or abilities,” she explains. You might also experience insecurity (or feel it more deeply) in certain scenarios or around certain people.
Did You Know?
Even though insecurity is something that we experience within ourselves, it directly impacts how we interact with the world and people in our lives. Instead of acting from a place of assuredness, insecurity can make us respond or react out of fear.
9 Subtle Signs of Insecurity
The thing about insecurity is that it materializes in all sorts of hidden ways. In fact, you may not even know or recognize the insecurity you’re experiencing in everyday interactions with people. Be on the lookout for some of these subtle signs:
Over-Apologizing
Issuing apologies is something we must all do—hey, we’re all flawed humans—but if you find yourself or someone else doing this a lot, then it could be an insecurity issue.
“Over-apologizing can reflect a fear of being a burden or making mistakes,” Holland explains. “When someone apologizes excessively, it can indicate that they don’t trust their inherent worth and feel the need to make themselves small or palatable to others.”
She notes that this behavior is often an unconscious attempt to maintain peace and avoid perceived rejection. What’s more, going overboard with an apology out of fear your “mistake” might alienate you from a person or group. It can also make someone question if they’ve done something wrong to cause such excessive apologies, leading to unnecessary tension.
Janice Holland, LPC
When someone apologizes excessively, it can indicate that they don’t trust their inherent worth and feel the need to make themselves small or palatable to others.
— Janice Holland, LPC
Difficulty Accepting Compliments
While insecurity may cause people to over-apologize, research has also suggested it can cause them to write off or push aside compliments from others, says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
“Being unable to say ‘thank you’ when complimented and feeling the need to say something self-deprecating is a sign of insecurity,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Such a reaction often signals you’re having difficulty accepting yourself.”
Constant Need for Validation
Frequently seeking validation from others is another subtle sign of insecurity. This behavior often manifests as repeatedly asking for reassurance or fishing for compliments. Over time, it can strain relationships, as others may feel pressured to provide endless encouragement or affirmation. While occasional validation is normal, relying on it excessively can indicate a lack of confidence in one’s own decisions, abilities, or self-worth.
Social Withdrawal
On the other hand, some people’s insecurity may show up via self-isolating. “If you’re afraid of being judged or feel like you don’t belong, you’re probably isolating yourself, which will only feed your feelings of inadequacy,” Dr. Hafeez says. This might look like avoiding social gatherings altogether or refraining from speaking during conversations when you are in a group setting.
Janice Holland, LPC
People may miss out on growth opportunities because their insecurity convinces them that they’ll inevitably fail or be exposed as incapable, keeping them stuck in their comfort zones.
— Janice Holland, LPC
Avoidance of Challenges
Avoidance of challenges, eliminating yourself from the game, or always playing it safe is the easiest way to avoid potential failure. (It’s also the quickest way to prevent your success in the long term). Holland says avoidance often masquerades as being practical or simply enjoying the status quo, but it can often indicate a fear of vulnerability or failure.
“People may miss out on growth opportunities because their insecurity convinces them that they’ll inevitably fail or be exposed as incapable, keeping them stuck in their comfort zones,” Holland notes.
Overcompensation
Overcompensation is a subtle sign of insecurity that often involves exaggerating strengths or achievements to mask underlying self-doubt. This might look like constantly bragging or dominating conversations to ensure others see their value. While it can temporarily boost confidence, it often alienates others and creates a sense of imbalance in relationships. When done consistently, this behavior can reinforce feelings of inadequacy in yourself while making others feel uncomfortable.
Perfectionism
Nailing it every time may seem like a positive, but in excess, it may be a subtle sign of insecurity. “Perfectionism often hides a deep sense of inadequacy,” Holland says.
“People who struggle with perfectionism are usually afraid of criticism or failure, rejection, and they believe their value is tied to flawless performance, not in their inherent worth.”
Perfectionism can lead to paralyzing self-doubt, where nothing they do ever feels good enough.
Jealousy and Comparison
Jealousy and comparison are subtle signs of insecurity that undermine self-esteem and strain relationships. This behavior often involves focusing on what others have or achieve, leading to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. Over time, it can create a cycle of negative self-talk and dissatisfaction, making it harder to appreciate personal progress. These tendencies often stem from a deeper struggle with self-worth and the fear of not being good enough.
People Pleasing
People-pleasers prioritize the needs and happiness of others over their own, often at great personal cost. “This behavior may seem caring, but it reflects a fear of disconnection or rejection,” Holland says. “Underneath, there’s a belief that love and belonging must be earned, not freely given.”
Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, Neuropsychologist
Hidden insecurities often lead to a reluctance to communicate feelings or needs openly and can create a cycle of distance and misunderstandings.
— Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, Neuropsychologist
Impact of Hidden Insecurities
Hidden insecurities can quietly influence every area of life, often without a person realizing the full extent of their impact. From straining personal relationships to undermining confidence at work and affecting self-esteem, these subtle behaviors can create barriers to genuine connection and personal growth.
“I’ve often seen how insecurities can manifest in relationships in multiple ways, either through a pattern of emotional distancing and reluctance to be vulnerable with another person or through a compulsive desire to prove oneself,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Hidden insecurities often lead to a reluctance to communicate feelings or needs openly and can create a cycle of distance and misunderstandings.”
Bottom Line
The bottom line is that self-worth can’t be based on validation from external sources because this is subject to change. Dr. Hafeez says you can only rely on yourself to be your one true cheerleader.
Strategies to Address Insecurity
Addressing insecurity requires self-awareness, patience, and a willingness to make meaningful changes. If any of the above signs of insecurity feel familiar, here are some steps you can take.
- Prioritize Self-Awareness: “Practice observing your thoughts and behaviors without judgment,” Holland says. “Journaling or engaging in mindfulness can help you recognize when insecurities arise, allowing you to choose a different response.”
- Practice Gratitude: Make a daily effort to be grateful for what you have. “This can shift your focus away from your insecurities and cultivate a positive mindset,” Dr. Hafeez says. Studies have found a direct correlation between gratitude and self-esteem.
- Curb Negative Self-Talk: Gently challenge your negative beliefs when they pop up. Ask yourself if this is something you’d be OK hearing someone else say about themselves. “Interrupt the thought and replace it with a compassionate thought,” Holland says. “Learning to ground yourself in the present can reduce the hold of old narratives that keep you feeling small.”
- Limit Comparisons: Reduce the tendency to compare yourself to others, including on social media, in work settings, and in social circles.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Working through insecurity requires the courage to prioritize yourself and set boundaries. “This means giving yourself permission to rest, say no, and choose paths that align with your values,” Holland notes. “Practicing self-compassion fosters a sense of worthiness and reminds you that imperfection is part of being human.”
- Seek Support: Surrounding yourself with supportive people can uplift and encourage you. Dr. Hafeez suggests “fostering a community where you live to ground you and reaffirm who you are and your positive attributes from those who will support your journey.”
Though sometimes well-hidden and seemingly harmless, insecurities can subtly shape how we see ourselves and affect the ways we interact with the world. By recognizing patterns and taking steps to address them, we can cultivate deeper self-confidence, improve our relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life.
