Key Takeaways
- Feeling unwanted in a relationship can happen when your partner isn’t putting in the same energy or showing interest.
- Some causes of feeling unwanted may include jealousy, loneliness, or unresolved trauma.
- Your partner might seem distant due to stress, anxiety, or work problems.
We all want to be loved and wanted, which is why it’s so incredibly painful when it seems like the person who *should* want us the most just…doesn’t. Healthy relationships are all about that connection and intimacy. We all want to feel close and desired by our partners. So, if you feel like your partner isn’t interested, it’s normal to be concerned. However, feeling unwanted in a relationship is extremely common.
Especially when new relationship energy (or NRE) wears off, long-term relationships may grow boring and lead to feelings of frustration, a lack of desire, or other potential issues that lead to one partner feeling frustrated. It’s important to note that there are many reasons why someone may feel unwanted, including some causes that may signify a deeper problem with yourself or your relationship.
Signs of Feeling Unwanted in a Relationship
Feeling unwanted can be a subjective experience. There may be overt indicators that your partner has lost interest, but it’s also a feeling that might grow from a number of much more subtle signs and behavior changes.
How will you know if you’re feeling unwanted rather than another underlying issue in your relationship? Some signs that you may feel unwanted by your partner include (but are not limited to):
- You’re putting in much more energy into the relationship than your partner
- The relationship feels one-sided more often than not
- Your partner doesn’t initiate sex, romance, or intimacy
- Your sex life has altered (e.g., having sex less often, disinterest in trying new things)
- You’ve noticed they’ve pulled back compared to past efforts
- Disinterest in spending quality time with you
- Disinterest in physical touch (e.g., kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc.)
- Not engaging with your content on social media when they do with others
- Not listening to you when you share stories or voice your concerns
- Seeming attracted to or expressing attraction toward other people
Research has found people feel loved in relationships when they get positive responses from their partner, feel authentically connected, and when these responses are consistent over time and across situations. In other words, we feel wanted and loved when our partners express their feelings and show up for us on the regular.
Possible Causes and Triggers for Feeling Unwanted
Feeling unwanted in your relationship can be complex. There’s usually no single reason for it.
There could be a deeper meaning, or root cause, to reflect on and locate within yourself that has nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with you.
Potential causes and triggers for feeling unwanted may include any of the following:
Although you may tend to take this personally, sometimes it has more to do with your partner than something you do or have done. Here are some reasons why a partner may seem like they don’t want you when there’s something else going on in their life instead:
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“It could [also] mean they have an inability to tolerate close or intimate relationships with anyone, no matter who they are involved with, which doesn’t have anything to do with you,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a certified sex and relationship therapist.
Nelson explains that people with avoidant attachment issues typically feel uncomfortable with intimacy and expressions of emotion. If your partner has difficulty sharing their feelings, she says this could be a sign that they’re distancing because they’re afraid of getting close, and all intimacy is stressful for them, and not necessarily that they don’t want you.
Relationships suffer when one partner feels unloved. Research shows that people who feel unloved are more likely to engage in destructive behavior. Evidence also shows that when *both* partners feel unloved, there are often conflicts that can get ugly.
How to Address Feeling Unwanted
Is feeling unwanted in a relationship a sign that you are headed for a breakup? Not necessarily. Depending on the severity and duration of how long this feeling has persisted, you can navigate this situation in different ways. Here’s what to do if you feel unwanted in your relationship:
First, Reflect on the Feeling by Yourself
Could this feeling stem from an insecurity, jealousy, or some other deep rooted issue of your own? Journal or meditate on this feeling in an effort to figure out where it could be coming from.
Talking it out with a loved one may help as well. They might be able to listen to your concern, offer you valuable insight, and share an outsider’s perspective from a loving place on whether or not your feelings may be personal or due to your partner’s actions.
Have a Conversation with Your Partner
If you still feel the need to address the situation after reflecting on matters by yourself, then it’s time to discuss your feelings with your partner. When you talk, try to avoid blaming them for the way that you feel. Instead, be open and honest about how you’re feeling.
You can also ask if there’s anything that you can do or work on together to resolve the issue. This could include scheduling time for intimacy, regularly providing reassurance that there’s nothing wrong, or discussing potential causes that may interfere with your relationship. “Lots of people keep their stress to themselves and don’t offer up their feelings without being asked,” adds Dr. Nelson.
Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist
If they tell you that they’re not sure why their desire has decreased, see if you can get specific details from them about what’s actually caused them to lose interest in your love life.
— Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist
From there, Nelson recommends letting them know that you appreciate them and that you want to find a solution that relieves everyone’s feelings and resolves their negative experiences.
Switch Things Up Romantically or Sexually
New relationship energy (or NRE) can inspire intense feelings of excitement, more frequent sex, and strong romantic gestures. Long-term relationships may grow stale after a while if nothing is done to keep the passion alive.
“Repeating the same things over and over and hoping that it will bring back the excitement you once had is common,” says Dr. Nelson, who suggests having a conversation about how to shake up your intimate life. Maybe you want to have sex in different places in the house or try new things.
If that doesn’t align with either of your wants or needs, she recommends planning dates or something more adventurous to look forward to. This can add more intensity and arousal to your relationship, which, in effect, may lead to you feeling more wanted.
Speak to a Therapist or Relationship Coach
If self-reflection and having a conversation with your partner doesn’t resolve the issue, you may want to consider speaking with a therapist. They can help you and/or your partner better understand the root cause behind feeling unwanted and offer suggestions on how to find a resolution.
Dr. Nelson reminds us that your partner may be going through their own personal matters, including mental, emotional, or physical health issues. She recommends asking them if these things are interfering with their desire issues and if they want help finding a therapist. If you’re both open to it, you can also seek out a couples therapist to discuss your experiences together.
When to End the Relationship
If you’ve explored all of these issues, had the conversation with your partner, found no resolution, and have come to the conclusion that they truly do not want you, then it may be time to leave the relationship.
Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist
It’s important to care for yourself and separate from a relationship that is no longer working.
— Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist
Nelson recommends people who feel this way stop waiting, wishing, and hoping that things will change. Ultimately, it’s up to you to work toward and find the relationship that feels best to you where you feel joy and your needs are being met, including feeling wanted, if that’s your goal.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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