Do you constantly fear that your partner is going to leave you? Do you consistently put the needs of your partner before your own because you don’t think your needs matter, or do you think that expressing those needs will push your partner away? Do you find yourself doing extreme things to “save” your relationship at the slightest hint of trouble? If so, you might have an anxious attachment style—a way of relating to others built on previous childhood experiences of unreliable care.
But anxious attachment doesn’t necessarily mean that any relationship you enter into will be doomed. In fact, it’s totally possible to learn your triggers, communicate your needs and sensitivities to your partner, and maybe even evolve into a securely attached individual. That being said, there is work you’ll have to do within yourself and work you will do with your partner. The combination is key.
Read on to learn more about anxious attachment and what you can do to make your relationship stronger.
A Quick Primer on Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent in their attention and care. Sometimes caregivers were attentive, while at other times, they were not. This unpredictability led the child to mistrust others and believe that their needs weren’t important.
When anxiously attached people enter into romantic relationships, they carry this expectation of inconsistency with them, along with an often debilitating fear of rejection or abandonment. They will do anything in their power to prevent that rejection or abandonment.
A base concern amongst those who are anxiously attached is that they are unworthy of love, and so any perceived sign or threat that this could be true can trigger desperate behavior, including anything from angry outbursts to the need for constant affection and reassurance that the relationship is not going to end.
Ironically, this intense fear and attempts to cling to the relationship can sometimes push a partner away.
Dr. Amy Marschall, PsyD, explains that anxious attachment “often manifests as over-compensation that can make the other person feel ‘smothered.’” People who are anxiously attached “might be overly sensitive to real or perceived abandonment, feel unappreciated, or have a high need to connect with other people.”
However, never fear—if you recognize that you have an anxious attachment style and are in a relationship with someone with secure attachment (that is, someone whose needs were met by their caregiver and is, therefore, able to maintain healthy relationships), there are things you can do, that your partner can do and that you two can do together to strengthen your relationship and take the wind out of your anxious sails.
Take the Attachment Style Quiz
If you’re unsure about your attachment style, this fast and free quiz can help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.
This attachment styles quiz was reviewed by David Susman, PhD.
Noticing Your Triggers and Communicating Your Needs
If you have an anxious attachment style, some triggers in relationships may relate to your perception of your partner’s behavior. Common triggers can include your partner:
- Coming home late unexpectedly
- Not staying in frequent contact or communicating enough
- Canceling plans
- Acting distant or seeming distant to you
- Giving more attention to someone else than you think is appropriate
- Forgetting important things like anniversaries
- Not noticing changes important to you, such as a new haircut
- Taking a long time to reply to texts when busy
- Traveling for work
- Lacking emotional expression or physical affection
It’s important to note that even if you have an anxious attachment style, that does not mean that you are acting needy or clingy all the time—these behaviors can and usually do arise following triggers like these.
The best thing you can do is to talk to your partner about your triggers. If they are aware that certain behaviors of theirs tend to send you into a death spiral of anxious attachment, they can work to reassure you of their commitment in the face of your anxiety.
However, the onus is not just on your partner. Recognizing your own triggers—especially since many of them might not be objectively reasonable—is just as important.
So is self-awareness. Knowing that you tend to jump straight into your deeply rooted fear of rejection, and that you subsequently act on that fear to try and salvage your relationship (especially when it’s not actually in need of salvaging), can help you face your anxious attachment head-on. This allows you to communicate with your partner about what you are feeling and thinking rather than diving headfirst into a pit of panic and self-hatred.
Addressing Your Anxious Attachment With Your Partner in the Moment
Suppose you are in the middle of a panicked frenzy about what you think is your imminently failing relationship. In that case, it might feel hard or even impossible in the moment to communicate those feelings effectively.
Start with talking about them after the fact, when you feel safer. You can say something like:
- “When you didn’t tell me you were staying late at work, it made me feel like I wasn’t important to you.”
- “Whenever you do X, it makes me worried that you are going to leave me.”
- “It’s hard for me to express my needs to you because I am scared that you won’t love me anymore if I do.”
Eventually, you might be able to recognize these feelings as signs of your anxious attachment while they are actually happening. You might be able to nip your anxiety in the bud by saying, “I’m feeling very afraid right now that I am ruining our relationship, even though a part of me knows that’s not true.”
It is scary to talk about these feelings, especially when those feelings are telling you that your relationship is in danger. But it’s imperative to communicate to your partner what is happening inside you so that they understand your behavior and can work with you to dispel it.
Dr. Marschall has some other suggestions that may help you with the consequences of your anxious attachment style. She says, “Of course, everyone’s coping skills vary based on individual needs. With that said, some ways you can cope with anxious attachment include:
- Working to build your self-esteem to feel more worthy of affection
- Learn triggers for your anxious attachment, and use coping skills when the triggers arise before you start to get activated
- Practice regulating emotions in healthy ways, such as through mindfulness or other self-care activities
- Work with a therapist to work through anxieties and fears
Other Ways Your Partner Can Help You
Once your partner understands that you are operating from a fearful place of anxious attachment, there are things they can do to help you when you’re triggered.
First of all, establishing healthy boundaries is a must. Maybe your partner can’t be in contact with you 24/7 because of work or their own personal need for alone time—talking about this and letting you know that them needing space has nothing to do with you or your relationship can help ease some of your anxiety.
Your partner should also do their best to be consistent. Because a lack of consistency from your caregiver as a child was what made you develop an anxious attachment style in the first place, the more reliable and predictable your partner can be with you the better. Talk about and establish routines—maybe they always call you at lunchtime to check in, or you create a reliable schedule for spending time together during the week. Knowing exactly when your partner is available to you (and when they’re not) can help you feel more secure.
Amy Marschall, PsyD
First, remember that their attachment style is not about you! Attachment styles develop from past experiences, often from early childhood. This is something that can change with appropriate support, including therapy treatment.
— Amy Marschall, PsyD
Your partner should also never dismiss your concerns. While the threats to your relationship may not be real, your fears about those threats are. Help your partner understand this so that when you do get triggered, they can be supportive.
If you choose to go to therapy to tackle your anxious attachment, let your partner know this so that they can support you through that journey. It will probably mean a lot to them that you are working hard to resolve your issues and make your relationship better. Encouragement from your partner to keep working on yourself can make the challenge easier.
To the partners of those with anxious attachment, Dr. Marschall says, “First, remember that their attachment style is not about you! Attachment styles develop from past experiences, often from early childhood. This is something that can change with appropriate support, including therapy treatment. Second,” she says, “communicate clearly. Express your affection as well as your own needs. People with an anxious attachment style can be very sensitive to feedback due to their fears around abandonment. Couples therapy can often help with effective communication.”
What You Can Do Together
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talking regularly about your relationship and both of your needs within that relationship can only help going forward.
By letting each other know what you need from the other person, you can establish a good balance between what is actually necessary for your relationship to continue and what you and your partner need to do to handle the signs and symptoms of your anxious attachment.
Dr. Marschall suggests that “Working with a therapist to communicate effectively is a great first step. Be deliberate with expressing affection. If your attachment style is anxious, identify the ways that you feel loved, and let your partner know what you need in order to feel appreciated and cared for!”
Keep in Mind
Being in a relationship as someone with an anxious attachment style can be frightening—you might see clues of abandonment at every turn, and can’t speak up for yourself and what you need because you are too afraid of rejection.
But there are things you and your partner can do to mitigate these fears. Talk to your partner about what you’re experiencing and what you need; a good partner will be understanding and want to help.
