For some people, even stability in a relationship can feel suspicious: You’re not fighting. Objectively, things seem to be going well. And yet your mind can’t help but scan for signs that your S.O. is losing interest; that you’ve missed a red flag; that a breakup is looming.
Constant worrying that’s meant to shield you from heartbreak is draining you, sure—but it can do even greater damage, too. “Ironically, the more someone tries to ‘protect’ their relationship with hyper-vigilance, the more stress and miscommunication they may create,” Melina Alden, LMFT, a Santa Monica-based therapist, tells SELF. In practice, that might look like repeatedly seeking reassurance (“Are you sure we’re okay?” “You aren’t going to leave me?”), overanalyzing normal shifts in mood, or clinging onto them in ways that’ll only push them farther away—and reinforce the very abandonment fears you were trying to prevent.
Relationship anxiety isn’t always neediness or irrationality, nor is it something to be embarrassed about. According to Alden, it’s usually your brain’s attempt at self-protection. Here are a few reasons it happens, plus strategies to help you trust what’s in front of you.
1. Past relationship trauma
If you’ve been cheated on, ghosted, or dumped suddenly when things seemingly were fine, it makes sense that you might struggle to fully trust a new partner. In these cases, “your brain may have learned to ‘expect’ danger or rejection,” Alden says, “so even neutral situations trigger relationship anxiety.”
2. General catastrophizing
Some people are naturally prone to anxiety and overthinking everything—like a work typo, or a throwaway joke that now feels catastrophic. Unfortunately, their love lives aren’t immune. “They may have a cognitive bias toward worst-case scenarios, and their minds jump from small uncertainties like ‘They didn’t call back,’ to massive conclusions like, “Oh, they must be losing interest,’” Alden says. Reassurance can provide temporary relief, but unless those underlying patterns of general rumination are addressed, the cycle of spiraling will only continue.
3. Fear of vulnerability
Trusting someone with your heart is inherently risky. After all, there’s always the possibility that your partner could walk away, no matter what you do “right.” “That vulnerability can trigger an underlying fear—like ‘If I let myself feel secure, I’ll be hurt,’” Alden says. That paranoia can make it feel like you’re staying one step ahead of pain, but on the flip side, you also risk creating tension when there wasn’t any to begin with.
To prevent one intrusive thought from snowballing into a questioning of your entire relationship, Alden recommends pausing and reality-checking yourself with a few grounding questions. If you’re convinced your significant other will dump you because they answer a text late: “Do I have evidence that something is wrong?” Or when they seem unusually snappy or quiet after a long day: “Is this a pattern or a one-off?”
It also helps to redirect your attention toward what’s going well. Take more walks together, cook a meal, or watch your favorite show in bed. Shifting your attention from made-up problems to positive shared experiences will make it easier to let the good moments just be…good.
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