- Signs of hidden tension in relationships include defensiveness, long silences, sudden outbursts, and decreased physical intimacy.
- No relationship is perfect, and tensions will crop up even in the healthiest, happiest couples.
- Clear communication can prevent tensions from building up and help couples develop a deeper understanding.
Have you ever felt like there are underlying tensions in your relationship? Perhaps there’s something you’ve been unhappy about for a while but never discussed with your partner; maybe you’ve felt as though your partner’s been distant or hot and cold, and you’re not sure why. Understanding how to recognize the signs of hidden tensions can help you improve communication and strengthen your relationship.
What Are the Signs?
“Common signs of hidden tensions include being snappy or defensive over seemingly minor or unrelated matters, long silences, or the withdrawal of physical intimacy,” says Katherine Cavallo, MA, a UKCP-registered systemic family and couple psychotherapist. “You may feel you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ or confused and hurt by your loved one’s uncharacteristic reactions.”
Here’s an example: “I’m an overthinker and tend to read between the lines a lot,” says 28-year-old Samira. “My ex would give me the cold shoulder quite a bit whenever we had even small disagreements, and I always thought it was something I’d done wrong… When I’d disagree with her, she would not text me back for hours, and I would have to apologize.”
Gemma Nice, a sex and relationships coach, refers to a dishwasher analogy: You’ve loaded the dishwasher, but then your partner comes over and criticizes you for loading it the wrong way. Their outburst isn’t about the dishwasher itself, but about smaller things that have been building up, with how you’ve loaded the dishwasher being a sort of breaking point. Ideally, you’d want to address tensions before they reach this point.
A decrease in physical intimacy and the frequency of sex is another sign of hidden tension. It’s normal for your sex drive to fluctuate, but hidden tension can contribute to less frequent sex than you’re used to.
What Causes Tension in Relationships?
Hidden tensions can arise in the workplace, between relatives and friends, and in couples. Possible causes include:
- Personal growth
- Relationship changes
- Significant life events like loss or illness
- Health concerns
- Financial concerns
“Ask yourself whether the pattern between you has changed over time,” says Cavallo. “Hidden tensions often build up over time, and usually stem from underlying fears that the relationship is under threat.”
Early-life trauma or previous relationships can also contribute to fear of abandonment or trust issues. “This can cause tension from the other person and fear of not being loved,” says Nice. “Another one is where one person has low self-esteem or doesn’t feel worthy of love. This can transpire into arguments and a lack of communication.”
Communication is vital for resolving tensions. It helps you move toward a solution or compromise that works for both of you. However, taking that step can be difficult. You might feel yourself going into fight, flight, or freeze mode—for example, attempting to withdraw from the conversation or becoming defensive.
What Are the Impacts of Hidden Tensions?
Healthy relationships can contribute to our overall happiness. Relationship difficulties may negatively affect mental health. These tensions may:
- Contribute to anxiety and depression
- Cause some to go inward and shut down
- Cause some partners to drift apart
- Affect sleep and appetite and even make us physically ill
Katherine Cavallo, MA
Learn each other’s love languages so when you share your feelings they are noticed, appreciated, and reciprocated.
— Katherine Cavallo, MA
You might feel unhappy but unsure how to change things—perhaps afraid that discussing tensions could make matters worse. However, not discussing these tensions can lead to unhealthy patterns or arguments that never get to the root of the issue. They can even contribute to a relationship ending.
Married couples who can’t resolve daily conflicts have a higher likelihood of divorcing, while couples who negotiate conflicts in a constructive way have lower rates of divorce.
Healthy Ways to Address Tension
Communication is important. If you’re both busy or you’re worried that your feelings will erupt in an unhelpful moment, try to agree on a time to talk. Do your best to stay non-reactive: Pause when you feel upset, step back and think about how you feel, and then express yourself from that place.
Nice recommends active listening– paying close attention to and understanding what your partner is saying–and using “I” statements rather than “you” statements to avoid coming off as accusatory.
Nice also suggests going into nature to have the conversation. Being outside can help ground you and make you feel calmer by regulating your nervous system. This can lead to a conversation built on empathy and kindness.
Be on the same team as you work with your partner on an issue. You both want the relationship to succeed, so how can you help each other?
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who focuses on relationships, wrote in his 1999 book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable–such as the way your partner saves and spends money, or personality traits your partner has that sometimes annoy you.
We can’t always eliminate a problem. What we can do is manage issues as they arise and work toward a mutual understanding.
“If it feels impossible to talk or doing so creates circular arguments, it’s important to seek help,” adds Cavallo. “Couple or family therapy creates a safe, supportive, and neutral context to enable these important conversations.”
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Other Ways To Maintain a Healthy Relationship
It’s important to connect with your partner regularly. We often lead very busy lives, so it’s worth finding time between work and errands to spend quality time together. Is there a shared activity you enjoy doing together? Could you set aside time for each other each week?
Cavallo adds, “Learn to listen attentively, address concerns as they arise, and respect each other’s boundaries. Research suggests relationships thrive best when there is a pattern of appreciation and fondness towards each other. Learn each other’s love languages so when you share your feelings, they are noticed, appreciated, and reciprocated.”
