There are endless explanations for why people go back to toxic exes—and for Taylor Frankie Paul on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, a trauma-bond relationship is to blame.
In the latest season, Paul momentarily finds herself back with her former boyfriend and baby daddy, Dakota Mortensen—someone she admits she shouldn’t be with, given their volatile history and frequent fights. In her own words, “it’s a vicious, vicious cycle. Anyone in toxic relationships, a trauma bond—it’s one of the most difficult things to get out of.” But behind the catchy label, therapists warn that a true trauma-bond relationship is often misunderstood and far more complicated than a reality TV storyline may make it out to be.
According to New York City–based therapist Sienna Chu, LMHC, trauma bond is a term psychologists use to describe an intense, emotional attachment with an abusive person who’s both your source of comfort and pain, whether that’s a manipulative ex or narcissistic parent. Biologically, we’re wired to seek safety and support from these attachment figures, which makes things complicated when that same “loving” individual is the one subtly hurting us.
As a result, Chu tells SELF that these dynamics tend to feel uniquely powerful, all-consuming, and passionate…but also confusing and exhausting—a push-pull that makes walking away from these people almost impossible. However, breaking a trauma bond isn’t about willpower or grit; it’s about recognizing a few red flags and slowly reclaiming control. Here’s where to start.
What are the signs of a trauma bond?
1. You’re stuck in a cycle of high highs and low lows.
What makes trauma bonds so complex is that the relationship isn’t manipulation and emotional chaos 24/7, Terri Messman, PhD, professor of psychology at Miami University and co-author of Integrating Mindfulness into Psychotherapy for Trauma, tells SELF. It also includes heartwarming moments—affection, vulnerable conversations, and passionate apologies that resemble swoon-worthy romance.
In fact, many trauma bonds usually begin with a honeymoon phase—a rush of closeness that Dr. Messman says may feel special, rare, even fated. But once there’s a negative incident—a fight, a passive-aggressive jab, an instance of micro-cheating—your brain doesn’t register these hurtful actions as red flags. Instead, it clings onto those “good” times as proof that the relationship is worth holding onto. (Remember how sweet they were last week? How sorry they seemed after the last blowup?) When really, it’s just the start of another cycle of affection followed by mistreatment.
