Key Takeaways
- Anxious ambivalent attachment happens when a caregiver is inconsistent in their availability and responsiveness.
- This attachment can lead to feeling distrustful in close relationships and can be linked to mental health challenges like depression.
- People with this attachment style may have problems forming close relationships and often feel unsure of their self-worth.
All relationships have their own ebb and flow. Sometimes, our ingrained attachment patterns can affect the course of our relationships. For people with an anxious ambivalent style, this often means craving closeness one minute but pulling away the minute things start to get a little too serious.
Anxious ambivalent attachment is characterized by a distrust of a person with whom you are in a close relationship and is associated with mental health challenges, such as depression and low self-esteem.
It’s an attachment style that might cause you keep falling for people who are emotionally unavailable. You might question your own worth or even sabotage your relationships to avoid feeling vulnerable. It’s a painful, confusing pattern characterized by an intense craving for closeness and connection along with a deep-seated fear of intimacy and rejection.
This attachment style is associated with early childhood experiences where your caregiver showed inconsistent emotional availability and responsiveness toward you. Keep reading to learn more about what anxious ambivalent attachment looks like, how it can affect your relationships, and what you can do to cope.
Anxious Ambivalent Attachment and Attachment Theory
Anxious ambivalent attachment stems from attachment theory, a framework first proposed by psychiatrist John Bowlby. Attachment theory states that children are born with a deep need to become securely attached to their caregivers.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on this theory and introduced three main attachment styles; researchers Main and Solomon later added a fourth attachment style to the list.
These four attachment styles include:
- Secure attachment
- Ambivalent attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- Disordered attachment
Attachment theory hypothesizes that any attachment besides secure attachment can cause lifelong impacts. Children who experience insecure attachment, including anxious ambivalent attachment, may develop psychological issues and have trouble forming secure and healthy relationships later in life.
What Causes Anxious Ambivalent Attachment?
Experts suggest that the experiences you have in early childhood with your parents or caretakers are what can lead to anxious ambivalent attachment.
Anxious attachment results when your caregivers are not consistent in their responsiveness and availability with you, leading to feelings of confusion, distrust, anxiety, and ambivalence. People raised this way may desire closeness to their caretakers and distance themselves from them.
Other characteristics of early childhood relationships characterized by anxious ambivalent attachment include:
- Caregivers who didn’t respond to your needs
- Caregivers who were not emotionally available
- Feeling like you always had to “earn” love from your caregivers
- Caregivers who didn’t respond to you consistently or were “hot and cold”
Characteristics of Anxious Ambivalent Attachment
People who experienced anxious ambivalent attachment growing up often end up having trouble forming intimate relationships and may also experience mental health challenges related to their insecure attachments.
Let’s take a deeper look at how these characteristics manifest.
How Does Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Affect Relationships?
In a nutshell, being raised this way can make you feel like others can’t be trusted, and you may have difficulty committing to a relationship.
Research has found that people who grew up with fairly secure attachments:
- Are more likely to be in gratifying and committed relationships while dating and during marriage
- Experience less strife and conflict in their relationships
- Have longer-lasting relationships and are less likely to experience divorce
Some studies have also found links between anxious ambivalent attachment, emotional dysregulation, and psychological aggression in relationships. Other studies have noted that anxiously attached people are more likely to feel dissatisfied with their relationships.
Another study found that anxiously attached people are more likely to experience jealousy when they feel distrust towards their significant other. They tend to snoop through their significant others’ things and have an increased propensity to exhibit abusive behavior.
How Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Affects Mental Health
Evidence has linked anxious avoidant attachment to an increased risk for mental health difficulties. That includes problems like depression, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation.
On the other hand, research has found that securely attached people are less likely to experience signs of depression, are more likely to experience confidence, and are better able to handle stressful events that come up in life.
One study found a link between attachment insecurity and an increased likelihood of developing a negative body image and symptoms of an eating disorder.
Other research has found links between attachment insecurities and various mental health conditions, such as:
How to Overcome Anxious Ambivalent Attachment
If you were raised by a caregiver who did not provide secure and reliable attachment and was inconsistent regarding emotional support, you are not alone. But you should also know that the mental health effects of being raised this way are manageable.
The first step in overcoming anxious ambivalent attachment is to recognize the problem. Simply reading about the phenomenon and seeking help is wonderful and can be therapeutic in and of itself. After this, making a point to surround yourself with supportive individuals, emotionally available, and good sources of secure attachment can work wonders for your healing.
Talk therapy has been studied as a way of working through anxious ambivalent attachment. In particular, certain types of therapy are effective in managing insecure attachment.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
In cognitive behavioral therapy, you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and how they affect your mental well-being. Studies have found that short-term cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a positive way to address insecure attachment and may be particularly helpful in people who experience insecure attachment along with panic disorder.
Interpersonal Therapy
Interpersonal therapy is a type of therapy that focuses on your close relationships and how they impact your mental health. This type of therapy shows promise in treating anxious ambivalent attachment disorders.
A 2017 study found that depressed teenagers who experienced attachment anxiety and avoidance saw their symptoms significantly decrease after being treated with interpersonal therapy for 16 weeks.
Group Therapy
Group therapy is a type of therapy facilitated by a mental health professional, where participants share their feelings and struggle with other group members with similar mental health challenges.
Research has found that group therapy can be helpful for people with attachment anxiety. Experts say some people with an anxious attachment style may also benefit from virtual group therapy.
How Do I Help My Partner With Ambivalent Attachment?
Having a partner who deals with anxious ambivalent attachment can be challenging. It’s important to remember that this likely stemmed from when your partner was a child when life was out of their control.
That said, if your partner is exhibiting harmful behavior or is having trouble committing to your relationship, it’s not something you have to simply “put up with.” It doesn’t do you any good to let unhealthy behaviors slide.
You can’t change your partner, but you can encourage them to grow and mature. One way to do this is to be consistent in your responsiveness and show them what secure attachment looks like.
But you can’t do it alone. Consider encouraging your partner to seek therapy. You can show them the research showing that therapy is an effective way of tackling attachment issues.
If you and your partner continue to struggle, you may consider couples counseling. Research has found that couples therapy is an effective way to manage attachment issues and can lead to more secure and satisfying relationships.
