Key Takeaways
- Personality types influence how you form connections with people more than you may realize.
- The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Enneagram can help you understand why you click with some people and clash with others.
- Factors that determine compatibility include shared values, attraction, communication style, and emotional needs.
Understanding your personality type and how it aligns with or differs from those closest to you can help you nurture more fulfilling relationships. When it comes to dating, personalities that complement each other tend to work through conflict successfully and build deeper connections.
A Quick Rundown of the Major Personality Tools
Here are some of the most popular personality systems:
- The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is based on Carl Jung’s Theory of Psychological Types. It categorizes people into 16 distinct personality types, each represented by a four-letter code. These codes are combinations of traits like Extraversion vs. Introversion, Sensing vs. Intuition, Thinking vs. Feeling, and Judging vs. Perceiving.
- The Enneagram test examines why we behave as we do. It categorizes people into nine types, each with its core desires, fears, and growth paths. Unlike the MBTI, which focuses on external behaviors, the Enneagram explores our internal motivations and emotional patterns.
- The Big Five personality traits model is another useful framework, says Joshua Collins, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical coordinator at SOBA New Jersey. It assesses individuals based on Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. Research suggests that partners who score similarly on these traits often experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stability. For example, two people high in agreeableness will likely have a harmonious and cooperative relationship.
How Do You Know If a Relationship Is Compatible?
Compatibility is how well two people’s traits, behaviors, and emotional needs align and complement each other. While having similar interests or hobbies is one aspect of compatibility, the critical factors for successful relationships are how you interact, communicate, and support each other in small and big ways daily.
Collins adds that it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about your values, goals, and expectations when assessing compatibility with a partner. Using personality assessments, such as the MBTI or Big Five, can provide a structured way to explore compatibility. Additionally, spending time together in various situations can help you gauge how well you navigate challenges and enjoy each other’s company.
Even the strongest feelings can be challenged if partners don’t align well on certain fundamental levels, says Marcus Smith, a licensed clinical professional counselor and executive director at Alpas Wellness.
Exploring Myers-Briggs Type Compatibility
We’ve all heard the phrase.”opposites attract.” This can hold true. In many cases, two people with shared interests and similar outlooks can get along great. But someone who brings interest to our lives through different views can work well, too. Just because people look compatible on paper doesn’t necessarily mean they will be, says Ashley Murry, Chief Clinical Officer at Sana Lake Recovery.
For Alex, 27, and Emily, 25, taking an MBTI test helped them understand aspects of each other’s personalities they had previously found a little confusing.
Alex describes himself as an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging). INFJs are known for being empathetic, reflective, and organized. On the other hand, Emily is an ESTP (Extraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving) and is often more energetic, spontaneous, and adaptable than Alex.
On paper, an INFJ partnered with an ESTP might seem mismatched, but in reality, they couldn’t be any happier. Since Alex tends to be more cautious, he occasionally appreciates how adventurous Emily is. On the other hand, Emily admits to needing to be a little more introspective when making certain decisions, an area in which Alex comes to the rescue.
Analyzing Enneagram Type Compatibility
Unlike MBTI, which focuses on traits, Enneagram focuses on our motivations, fears, and desires. It categorizes personalities into nine distinct types and answers not just the whats but the whys about our personalities. Here’s a quick rundown of the nine types:
- Type 1 – The Reformer: Principled, purposeful, self-controlled
- Type 2 – The Helper: Generous, people-pleasing, possessive
- Type 3 – The Achiever: Success-oriented, pragmatic, adaptable
- Type 4 – The Individualist: Sensitive, expressive, dramatic
- Type 5 – The Investigator: Perceptive, innovative, secretive
- Type 6 – The Loyalist: Engaging, responsible, anxious
- Type 7 – The Enthusiast: Spontaneous, versatile, scattered
- Type 8 – The Challenger: Self-confident, decisive, confrontational
- Type 9 – The Peacemaker: Receptive, reassuring, complacent
If you’re a Type 2 (The Helper), one of the main ways you know how to and enjoy showing love is by helping others. However, if you have a partner who is Type 5 (The Investigator), you might find they are a bit resistant to your help, preferring to be independent and self-reliant.
Compatibility in the Enneagram is about balance and growth. It’s recognizing that while differences can be challenging, they help deepen our understanding and connections with people. A Type 1 (The Reformer) can learn from a Type 7 (The Enthusiast) to be more flexible, while a Type 7 can benefit from the structure and discipline of a Type 1.
Which Factors Influence Compatibility?
Compatibility in a relationship goes beyond personality types. Several factors determine how compatible any two people are in a relationship.
- Shared values: When you and your partner have similar beliefs about what’s important in life—family, career ambitions, or social values—it creates a strong foundation for your relationship. Shared values make it easier to remember that you want the same things out of life, even when you go through a rocky patch.
- Attraction: Another key factor is attraction—whether it’s physical or intellectual, says Dr. Rostislav Ignatov, a board-certified psychiatrist and Chief Medical Officer at The Haven Detox. While it’s not the only thing that matters, having a strong attraction to your partner can create chemistry and deepen your emotional connection.
- Communication: One of the biggest reasons many relationships fail is poor communication. Different personalities often have very distinct ways of expressing themselves and processing information. Some might be direct, while others prefer to be more nuanced. Understanding and adapting to each other’s communication styles can nip many fights in the bud.
- Emotional needs: Everyone has emotional needs that can often be traced to their personality type. Some people need frequent affirmations and physical affection. They may want to see and feel how much you love them. For others, acts of service mean the world. It’s about learning what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated and consistently meeting those needs.
Tips for Determining Whether You and Your Partner Are Compatible
There are practical steps you can take to determine whether you and your partner are compatible.
- Have open conversations about your core values. What really matters to each of you? Do you want to get married, have kids, or move to another country? Depending on what you determine is most important, you might find that you are even more aligned than you imagined or discover areas to work on together.
- Assess how you communicate. Do you feel heard and understood after talking to your partner? Do they feel heard? Any relationship is doomed to fail without effective and empathetic communication. In an argument, focus on what your partner is saying without planning your response—it can make a massive difference.
- Observe how you handle conflicts, disagreements, and difficult conversations. Do you listen to each other’s perspectives? Are you both willing to compromise and find a solution together? Or are you constantly at odds and struggling to communicate effectively? These can be good indicators of how compatible you are in handling challenges as a team, says Dr. Ignatov
- Pay attention to how they make you feel. Our feelings towards someone can be a good and strong indicator of compatibility, says Dr. Ignatov. Do they uplift and inspire you, or bring stress and negativity into your life? Being with the right partner should bring out the best in you and make you feel supported and loved.
What If My Partner and I Are Incompatible?
Having different personalities doesn’t have to be a problem; being aware of it can be an excellent opportunity to improve your relationship.
- Respect each other’s differences. “I think couples should strive to appreciate each other’s strengths and recognize that differences can be opportunities for growth rather than sources of conflict,” says Smith. “For instance, if one partner is naturally more introverted and the other extroverted, they can find a balance by scheduling social activities that both enjoy, as well as respecting each other’s need for alone time.”
- Use “I” statements to express your thoughts. This can help you communicate your feelings without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, “I feel overwhelmed when plans change at the last minute” instead of “You always change plans.”
- Practice active listening. This is when we truly listen to understand rather than listening to respond. Active listening is a term you’ll hear a lot from mental health professionals, and for good reason, says Dr. Ignatov. Active listening is a powerful communication tool, especially when navigating conflict. It can help bridge the gap between different personality types, fostering deeper understanding and connection.
- Set clear boundaries about the things that matter the most to you. You shouldn’t sacrifice yourself and your well-being to make space for others. Let your partner know if certain behaviors or habits make you want to pull your hair out. Maybe you need quiet time after work, or your partner needs a heads-up before social events. Respecting each other’s needs helps reduce friction.
What This Means For You
Remember, no one is entirely incompatible with anyone. As you navigate your differences, don’t forget to acknowledge all of your common ground. What’s important is how you feel about your partner and how dedicated you both are to the relationship.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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Woods RA, Hill PB. Myers brigg. In: StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing; 2024.
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Blose TM, Yeates AC, Som M, Murray KA, Vassar M, Stroup J. The Enneagram and its application in medical education. Proc (Bayl Univ Med Cent). 36(1):54-58.
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