The holidays are for rest, relaxation, and eating your weight in cookies shaped like reindeer. Your fitness goals can absolutely wait until the new year. But if you find yourself trapped in a house where someone just said, “well, actually” for the third time in ten minutes, and you need to escape to your old bedroom before you say something you’ll regret—here’s a quick (and quiet) bodyweight circuit you can do surrounded by your high school participation trophies.
The circuit workout
These are my favorite beginner-friendly exercises to efficiently blow off some steam. Hopefully you have some floor space next to your twin bed.
Tactical door-closed push-ups (10-15 reps)
These are classic push-ups, but you’re listening intently for footsteps. Is someone coming to ask why you fled the living room? This adds an element of anxious anticipation that really engages your core. Modify on your knees if needed.
Spite squats (20 reps)
Do some deep squats while internally composing the perfect rebuttal you’ll never actually say. Feel the burn in your quads and your self-restraint. Make sure you’re pushing your hips back until your thighs are parallel with the floor, looking to keep your knees bent at 90 degrees and in line with your toes. Bonus points if you can do these silently enough that no one downstairs hears the floorboards creaking.
Frustration lunges (10 per leg)
Lunge from your bed to your old dresser (the one still covered in stickers, right?). Consider each lunge as representing a point in the argument you’re nobly choosing not to make. You’re not avoiding conflict; you’re being the bigger person. And getting stronger glutes!
Remember, when you lunge, keep your front knee over your ankle, not your toes. Keep your torso upright and your core engaged.
Diplomatic plank hold (30-60 seconds)
Hold a plank while contemplating how you’ve become the most emotionally mature person in your family. This is harder than it sounds, both physically and existentially. If you need to drop to your knees after 20 seconds, that’s fine—you’re still doing better than the conversation downstairs. My top tip for keeping your body in a straight line is to engage your glutes more than you might think.
What do you think so far?
Passive-aggressive mountain climbers (30 seconds)
Quick, quiet mountain climbers that let you burn off steam without making enough noise to alert anyone that you’ve rage-quit the family gathering. Imagine you’re running away from the discussion, but in place, silently, on your childhood floor.
Peacekeeper glute bridges (15-20 reps)
Lie on your back (hey, you’re already thinking about taking a nap anyway), feet flat, and lift those hips. Each bridge is you rising above the drama. You’re literally elevating yourself. Metaphorically and gluteally.
Zen bicycle crunches (20 total)
Finish with bicycle crunches while pretending you’re pedaling away from this entire situation. Alternate elbow to opposite knee and find your center.
Cool down
Sit on the edge of your too-small bed, breathing deeply, feeling virtuously exercised and only slightly guilty for abandoning your family. Check your phone. Consider going back downstairs. Hear a raised voice mention “fake news” or “snowflake” or whatever the discourse is today. Do another round.
