Key Takeaways
- Trust is essential for a healthy relationship, and both partners need to work on rebuilding it.
- Understanding the reasons behind the affair can help prevent it from happening again and strengthen the relationship.
- Snooping and checking your partner’s belongings is not helpful and can harm the relationship further.
In the “Ask a Therapist” series, I’ll be answering your questions about all things mental health and psychology. Whether you are struggling with a mental health condition, coping with anxiety about a life situation, or simply looking for a therapist’s insight, I will help address your concerns.
A Reader Asks
My wife cheated on me last year. I can forgive her, but I’m not sure I can trust her. I am always suspicious that she is cheating again. Sometimes, I look through her stuff to make sure I don’t find evidence she is cheating again. I feel bad about it but if she cheated once, isn’t she likely to cheat again?
Amy Answers
No, she’s not necessarily going to cheat again just because she cheated before. But, if you don’t trust her, your relationship will likely continue to be unhealthy. It’s important to address the distrust you have so you can move forward.
Forgiving Without Forgetting
Maybe you can forgive your wife for what happened, but forgiveness means slightly different things to different people.
Healthy forgiveness isn’t about saying, “What you did to me was OK.” Instead, it’s about saying, “What you did to me wasn’t OK but I’m not going to waste my mental energy harboring anger and resentment about it.”
Of course, letting go of anger is easier said than done. It’s usually a conscious decision you have to make and recommit to as time passes.
Forgiveness is necessary if you want to move past an affair. But trust is also an essential component. You have reason not to trust your wife. She betrayed you before and you don’t want to get hurt again. But it’s impossible to be in a healthy relationship with your wife if you don’t rebuild that trust.
Addressing the Problem
The details of the affair or how you addressed it are unclear but, no matter what happened, both of you must address the issue—as painful and uncomfortable as that may be.
An affair is likely a symptom of an underlying problem in the relationship. It is important to address the underlying issues so you can repair the relationship and ensure your wife likely won’t cheat again. Some affairs stem from loneliness and emotional disconnect in the relationship. Others begin because one partner has a self-esteem issue and an affair gives them confidence in their attractiveness.
You and your wife must explore the underlying reason she strayed to prevent it from happening again. This isn’t meant to give her an excuse. Instead, it’s about developing an explanation and addressing the root cause. When you understand why it happened, you and your wife can build a healthier relationship and move forward.
Your Wife’s Response
It is important to consider your wife’s response to the affair. Is she remorseful? Does she take responsibility for her behavior? Is she invested in healing the relationship and moving forward?
If she’s blaming you for the choices she made or is minimizing your pain, you’d have good reason not to trust her again.
It is also important to consider her current relationship with the person she had an affair with. Perhaps you don’t trust her because the affair was with a co-worker she continues to see regularly. Or maybe you’ve discovered her still texting the person.
She must be honest with you about any contact she has with the other person. If she’s lying and keeping secrets, you won’t be able to trust her again. Much of the pain that stems from an affair is about dishonesty so your wife must be willing to be open and transparent moving forward.
Your Response
Snooping through your wife’s phone when she leaves it unattended or checking her purse is only hurting your relationship more. But it is also understandable. She betrayed you and you are hurt–you’re attempting to protect yourself from being hurt again.
Each time you check her phone or go through her stuff and do not find evidence she is cheating, you likely gain a sense of momentary relief. However, relief is likely short-lived, and the need for this relief will encourage you to snoop and check on her again soon after.
But, constantly looking for evidence to prove whether or not she’s cheating again will exhaust you. And interrogating her or looking through her belongings will only drive a further wedge between the two of you.
This also won’t help you rebuild trust in your relationship. In fact, you’re putting a huge spotlight on the fact that you don’t trust her by spending all this energy looking through her things. Your time will be better spent healing your heart and relationship.
Get Professional Help
The passage of time alone is unlikely to heal your relationship. If you don’t trust your wife now, you will only trust her again in the future if something changes.
You should tell your wife you are having a hard time and maybe suggest marriage counseling. Talking to a licensed mental health professional about the situation can help you productively work through this.
Some couples emerge from affairs saying their relationship is stronger than before, so it’s absolutely possible to develop a healthy relationship again. But you may need professional help to get there.
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