How Important Is Sex in a Relationship?

Key Takeaways

• Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but having sex less frequently does not necessarily mean that your relationship is any less satisfying.
• Regular sex benefits include supporting a healthy relationship, stress relief, improved sleep, increased immunity, and better cardiac health.
• Sex frequency may change over time; the key to sexual satisfaction is to communicate with your partner.

How important is sex in a healthy relationship? While every couple is different, research suggests that sexual connection can play a crucial role in intimacy, satisfaction, and overall well-being. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer for how much sex you should be having, but evidence supports the idea that regular sex can reduce stress, improve closeness, and support the long-term stability of your relationship.

Illustration by JR Bee, Verywell 

Benefits of Sex in Relationships

Psychological Benefits

• Better self-image and happiness: Sex can boost self-esteem and reduce feelings of insecurity, leading to more positive perceptions of oneself. Research also suggests that more consensual, better-quality sex increases happiness.
• More bonding: Brain chemicals are released during sex, including endorphins, which decrease irritability and feelings of depression. Another hormone, oxytocin (the “hug drug”), increases with nipple stimulation and other sexual activity. The oxytocin released during sex enhances a sense of bonding and improves emotional intimacy.
• Stress relief: Chronic stress may contribute to lower sex frequency. However, sex can be an effective stress management technique. Sex reduces stress response hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine), with effects lasting well into the next day.
• Improved sleep quality: Orgasms trigger the release of the hormone prolactin, which aids sleep.
• Better relationship satisfaction: Sex in a monogamous relationship increases your commitment and emotional connection with the other person. Expressing love through sex increases the likelihood of couples staying together. As a result, sex is positively associated with a lower divorce rate.

Physical Benefits

• Better physical fitness: Sex is a form of exercise. Sexual activity is equivalent to moderate physical activity, like brisk walking or climbing two flights of stairs. The motion of sex can tighten and tone abdominal and pelvic muscles. For women, improved muscle tone improves bladder control.
• Enhanced brain function: Preliminary studies on rats found that more frequent intercourse was correlated with better cognitive function and the growth of new brain cells. Similar benefits have since been observed in human studies. A 2018 study of over 6,000 adults linked frequent sex with better memory performance in adults ages 50 and older.
• Improved immune function: Being more sexually active has positive effects on immune function. Regular sex may even lower your likelihood of getting a cold or the flu.
• Lower pain levels: The endorphins from sex promote more than just a sense of well-being and calm. Sex endorphins also appear to reduce migraine and back pain.
• Positive cardiac effects: Research also suggests sex can help lower blood pressure. Elevated blood pressure increases the risk of heart disease and stroke. Sexual activity helps dilate blood vessels, increasing the delivery of oxygen and nutrients throughout the body while reducing blood pressure.
• Additional physical benefits: Being more sexually active boosts libido and increases vaginal lubrication. Frequent intercourse is associated with lighter menstrual periods and less painful period cramps. In addition, an improved sense of smell, healthier teeth, better digestion, and glowing skin may be related to the body’s release of the hormone DHEA after orgasm.

Why the Importance of Sex Varies

Can a relationship survive without sex? Yes. Sex isn’t always necessary. But it can be an important part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

How important sex is can vary from one individual to the next. Some reasons the importance may vary include

• Individual preferences: Some people may feel that being a sexual couple is absolutely vital. Others may feel that other types of intimacy and connection are more important. 
• Relationship dynamics: The importance of sex may vary depending on how you feel about your partner and your relationship. The type of relationship, such as whether you are in a monogamous, open, or casual relationship, can also play a part.
• Perceptions of sex: How you feel about sex can play a role. For example, you might desire more sex if you find it important for feeling closer to your partner, showing affection to your partner, or as a way to feel confident and sexy.
• Life stage: Age often plays a role in sex frequency, largely due to declines in sex hormone levels as people get older.
• Challenges: Hormones, children, stress, medical conditions, and relationship difficulties can all play a role in how frequently couples engage in sex. Sometimes, maintaining an active sex life is difficult or impossible due to physical or psychological conditions.

Ways to Build Intimacy Outside of Sex

Couples can maintain a strong, healthy relationship despite these barriers by looking at non-sexual ways to improve intimacy. Ideas to consider include:

• Cuddling while watching a movie or sitting in the park
• Doing activities together that you both enjoy, such as dancing
• Giving frequent hugs and kisses
• Holding hands when you’re walking together
• Spending time talking to each other

How Often Should You Have Sex in a Relationship?

When considering how often a couple should have sex, one study found that general well-being is associated with sexual frequency, but only to an extent.

Relationship satisfaction improved progressively from having no sex up to having sex once a week, but did not improve further (and actually decreased somewhat) beyond this point.

While frequency varies based on a variety of factors, including age and marital status, research suggests that couples have sex an average of once per week.

One sexual encounter per week is fairly consistent with the current average. However, our increasingly busy lives may be getting in the way of having more sex. Compared to the frequency of sex in the 1990s, adults in 2010 were having sex nine fewer times per year.

Average Sexual Frequency

• Average adult: 54 times per year (about once per week)
• Adults in their 20s: Around 80 times per year
• Adults in their 60s: 20 times per year

Although frequency often decreases with age, sexual activity in older adults remains important. In general, older married couples tend to have sex more often than unmarried peers within the same age group.

Can Too Much Sex Be a Bad Thing?

It was once believed that sex increases the risk of prostate cancer. However, a 2016 study discovered that men who had more ejaculations (21 or more per month) were less likely to develop the disease than men who had fewer ejaculations (seven or fewer per month). Since prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in men, this effect is worth noting.

For some, sex may increase the chances of a heart attack. Despite this risk, higher sex frequency may help. Researchers suggest that having sex 52 times per year is associated with a 10% drop in heart disease mortality. Discuss your sexual activity with your doctor to evaluate your risks.

Unsafe sex could tip the scale of benefits and risks in the opposite direction. Make sure you are familiar with safe sex practices.

How to Have More Sex

The frequency of sex can, and often does, change over time. But that doesn’t mean sex frequency has to be an unstoppable downhill slide.

If you’re wondering whether it’s possible for sex to be as good as when you first fell in love, the answer is yes. Sex and intimacy can improve as your relationship matures. It may just require a little extra work.

• Talk openly about sex: It’s often said that the biggest sex organ is the one between the ears. Having sex more often without connecting emotionally or increasing communication isn’t likely to produce lasting improvements in your relationship.
• Prioritize intimacy: Feeling connected to your partner isn’t just about how often you have sex. Boosting emotional intimacy and non-sexual touch can be a way to help you feel more in the mood for sex.
• Get a handle on your stress: Managing stress is another key factor for a healthy sex life. Prioritize self-care and relaxation to make sure that you are taking care of your mental and physical well-being.
• Schedule time for sex: Let’s face it, life gets hectic. Instead of waiting for the mood to strike, put sex on your schedule.
• Experiment: Talk to your partner about your fantasies and consider adding novelty to help spice things up in the bedroom.
• Address physical or emotional barriers: Talk to your doctor if you are dealing with health issues, medication side effects, or mood challenges that make intimacy difficult.
• Talk to a professional: If you are not having sex regularly, ask yourself why. Sometimes seeing a sex therapist may be the best way to work through your relationship and personal issues. Sex therapy benefits individuals and couples alike.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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By Sheri Stritof

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She’s the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

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