Knowing how to be a good kisser doesn’t come down to a straightforward set of rules, even if you’ve got years of experience under your belt. One person’s meltingly romantic makeout might be another’s cringiest slobber-fest—or you might find that the person you’re Frenching shows you a brand-new twist to it that makes you absolutely melt.
“Kissing is weird,” Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based cognitive behavioral therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and the author of Seeking Soulmate: Ditch The Dating Game and Find Real Connection, tells SELF. “There’s no clear explanation of how or why we started sticking our mouths together, and why that’s desirable.”
Mysterious as it may be, there’s something about locking lips that just feels really, really good—and especially when you relax about how to be a good kisser, according to Ajjan. “Often, we’re thinking, ‘Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying it? Does my breath stink?’” she says. (Or if you’re in a long-term relationship, your mind might drift to whether or not you forgot to switch the whites into the dryer mid-makeout.)
But being a good kisser isn’t just about momentary fun. According to a study of 1,605 people in relationships of at least two years, how satisfied you are with your partnership (both sexually and in general) might be qualified not only by how much you love the other person, but how often you’re smooching them.
With that in mind, we asked Ajjan—as well as everyday people who bravely volunteered their wisdom—for pointers on how to level up your kissing game like someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Here’s what they said.
1. Make sure your partner is into it.
Getting consent for a first kiss might seem like a mood-killer, but it can actually make them want to kiss you even more. Kim, 37, from Illinois, tells SELF that she’s very into asking people if they want to make out. If they say yes and it feels right as you go, you can even ask how they want to be kissed, she says. The key here: “Show them you listened to their answer.” Listening is a surefire way to be a better kisser.
Norma, 60, from Canada, says her best-ever kiss was when she was 15 years old, and telling someone yes was part of what made it so memorable. “My date looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Would it be okay if I kissed you?’ I had never been asked by anyone before,” Norma tells SELF. “With my permission, he leaned in and gave me a gentle but firm kiss. I still think of him in the most special way.”
2. Tune into how the moment looks, feels, tastes, smells, and sounds.
Even in the middle of a steamy makeout session, it’s easy for everyday demands to compete for your attention, which makes it difficult to stay present. Jillian, a 31-year-old mother in California, tells SELF she gets easily distracted when she’s with her partner. “Especially when our toddler—and sometimes her noisy toys—are in the room.”
