How to Cope With the Fear of Being Left Out

Key Takeaways

• Recognize and understand your emotions to gain control over them.
• Avoid assuming the worst about being left out and try to understand the situation.
• Self-reflect on why feeling left out bothers you, considering past experiences and insecurities.

It’s Saturday morning and you casually open your social media feed to find your close friend’s story chock full of videos of an exciting night on the town. All your other friends were there too, your stomach sinks…did they forget about you?

Being excluded from plans, or just feeling left out, can be downright painful. Such feelings can send us into a spiral of worries: Why weren’t we invited? What did we do? What’s wrong with us?

While these situations can feel incredibly personal, rest assured, they usually aren’t. By engaging in a little self-reflection and taking action, we can effectively handle the fear of being left out. 

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

According to Melissa Legere, LMFT, Clinical Director and co-founder of California Behavioral Health, the fear of being excluded “usually comes from a mix of wanting to ‘fit in’ and the anxiety that you might be left out of something important.” This fear is closely linked to FOMO (fear of missing out), which nowadays is largely perpetuated by social media and online platforms. 

Dr. Michael Kane

As social creatures, humans thrive on inclusion…When we sense exclusion, whether that’s real or perceived, it can trigger feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or even loneliness.

— Dr. Michael Kane

Dr. Michael Kane, Chief Medical Officer at Indiana Center for Recovery, says the possibility of being left out is linked to our hardwired need for belonging and connection. “As social creatures, humans thrive on inclusion,” he says. “When we sense exclusion, whether that’s real or perceived, it can trigger feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or even loneliness.”

Where exactly does this fear come from? Dr. Kane says it can derive from early life experiences, such as frequently being left out in childhood. Traumatic experiences, such as bullying or neglect, may amplify this fear, thereby leading to a heightened sensitivity to social rejection. Furthermore, people living with certain mental health conditions—social anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder—often experience a heightened sensitivity to rejection, as well.

Coping With the Fear of Being Left Out

At some point or another, all of us have felt left out. These experiences can leave us afraid of being excluded in the future, which can prevent us from actually addressing the issue. If you’ve been feeling weighed down by the fear of being left out, here are several expert-backed ways to cope. 

Recognize Your Emotions

“First of all, it’s important to understand what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way,” says Dr. Kane. Instead of ignoring or dismissing our uncomfortable emotions—jealousy, anger, sadness—we can take a moment to acknowledge, label, and validate them. “When you name your emotions, you regain a sense of control over them,” Dr. Kane says. This, in turn, helps us more effectively handle our feelings. 

To label your emotions, consider journaling them out. You can also close your eyes, notice what you feel, and observe where these feelings show up in your body. 

Avoid Negative Assumptions

Our brains often default to assuming the worst, a phenomenon known as the negativity bias. Evolutionarily, this bias is advantageous because it propels us to avoid harm. However, within the context of feeling left out, it can push us to perceive threats where they may not be present.

Legere reminds us that instead of assuming the worst—thinking others are intentionally leaving us out—we can get curious about the situation. “Sometimes things simply get overlooked or plans change all of a sudden,” she says. “Reaching out can clear the air and ease any of your racing thoughts. Remember that it’s better to ask than to stress over what might not even be true.”

Self-Reflection and Personal Behavior

Victoria Murray, LCSW, owner of Root to Rise Therapy, says it can be useful to question why we’re so triggered when we feel excluded from a situation. We can ask ourselves the following: Is it because of past moments in life where [we] felt excluded? Is it because of a deeper insecurity in this particular relationship? 

“Evaluating the context in which these feelings develop can help you to better understand why you may be feeling this way,” Murray says. This can give us more information so that we don’t jump to conclusions, and can also allow us to be more compassionate with ourselves. 

Communicate with Others

Too frequently, we fall into the mind-reading trap, believing others automatically understand how we’re feeling. The reality is, others might not even realize we’re feeling excluded. “Speaking up for yourself and communicating your desire to join in can be very empowering,” Murray says. Voicing our needs is the best way to have them met. Plus, this allows others to understand how they can best support us moving forward. 

Remember, it’s always best to use “I” statements to take ownership of our own feelings and avoid making others feel blamed. 

Build Self-Confidence

Our confidence can take a major hit from fearing exclusion, or from repeatedly being left out. Building our self-confidence is essential in overcoming these worries and creating a better self-concept. “Remind yourself of your unique qualities and the value you bring to relationships,” Dr. Kane says.

“Surround yourself with supportive people who appreciate you for who you are.” Working with a mental health professional can also help us work through deeper insecurities and past traumas, which can boost our self-worth in the long term. 

Engage in Self-Care

Strong feelings can take a toll on our physical and emotional well-being. That’s why taking care of ourselves is of utmost importance. This can look like going for a long walk, watching our favorite TV show, or calling a close friend. Murray says, “Resist the urge to ‘push through’ the feelings that are coming up—they’re communicating something to you. Sometimes, they’re telling you to slow down and give yourself a break.” 

Take Initiative in Social Situations

“Letting others take charge leaves you passive, helpless, and out of control,” says Murray. If we notice a pattern of feeling left out, we can empower ourselves by taking charge. This can look like getting in touch with others to initiate plans, instead of waiting around to be invited. As we organize more plans, we may end up getting included in more of them, thereby alleviating the fear of being left out. 

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. Hsu DT, Jarcho JM. “Next up for psychiatry: rejection sensitivity and the social brain”. Neuropsychopharmacology. 2021;46(1):239-240. doi:10.1038/s41386-020-00802-9

2. Norris CJ. The negativity bias, revisited: Evidence from neuroscience measures and an individual differences approach. Soc Neurosci. 2021;16(1):68-82. doi:10.1080/17470919.2019.1696225

By Brina Patel

Brina Patel is a writer from Sacramento, California. Prior to writing full-time, she worked as an applied behavior analysis therapist for children on the autism spectrum. She leverages her own experiences researching emotions, as well as her personal challenges with chronic illness and anxiety, in her storytelling, with the hope of inspiring others to take better charge of their overall wellness and understand themselves on a deeper level.

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