Ghosting is practically baked into our modern culture—it’s almost too easy to cut off contact with someone you don’t feel like talking to. But learning how to get over being ghosted—whether it was a promising potential partner or a friend pulling a disappearing act—is a lot harder than most people would like to admit.
At first, it seems like an easy thing to brush off. So what if they’re not texting back? People do it for all sorts of reasons, many of which aren’t personal. “Some just don’t want to deal with the anxiety, annoyance, or the actual conversation of ending a relationship,” Patrice N. Douglas, PsyD, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist, tells SELF. But the mental health effects of getting ghosted often run deep, potentially stinging more than a full-blown breakup—in large part because of all the questions and self-doubt it leaves behind. What was the final straw? What was so bad that this person disappeared from your life forever?
When you’re suddenly cut off and left without these answers, it’s easy to second-guess every interaction and take the rejection personally. But relationship experts agree you don’t actually need that one final “goodbye” message to find peace. Below, they explain how to get over being ghosted, so you can stop it from shaking your self-esteem.
1. Don’t be afraid to ask them what happened.
Depending on the situation (like how long you’ve known the person who ghosted), it could be worth straight-up asking for an explanation. Obviously, “it may not make as much sense for somebody you’ve known for three days vs. one you’ve known for six years,” Dr. Douglas points out. “But there’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘Hey I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks—I just want to see if everything’s okay.’”
That said, you should also be prepared for the very real possibility that they still might not reply—or worse, give you an answer that stings. “As much as we want open communication and honesty, people don’t owe that to us,” Dr. Douglas adds. “So you can try to reach out, but you’ll also have to come to your own resolution if they don’t respond.” (Don’t worry, that’s what the rest of the tips below are all about.)
2. Reframe ghosting as a sign of bad communication, not a reflection of your worth.
Being ghosted can feel deeply personal—like you weren’t even worth a text, let alone an explanation. But according to Nelly Seo, PsyD, a psychologist at Therapists of New York, ghosting is rarely a reflection of your worth, nor is it a sign that you “deserved” it. That’s not to say you couldn’t have played a part in why someone pulled away—crossing a boundary, reacting negatively to feedback in the past, not picking up on earlier signs that they were overwhelmed or disinterested. But in an ideal world, someone would speak up if they needed your relationship to change or end.
