Key Takeaways
- To stop being selfish, pay attention and actively listen to others to make them feel valued.
- Increase your empathy by considering things from other people’s points of view.
- Check in regularly with friends and loved ones to show you care.
It’s normal to be a little selfish sometimes, and that’s not always a bad thing! Taking care of yourself, prioritizing your needs, and focusing on what makes you happy are essential for your mental well-being. We’re all main characters sometimes, but there are also times when being too selfish can hurt our relationships and even affect our well-being.
Selfishness involves caring only about your needs without thinking of other people. It is often characterized as excessive concern for one’s interests, needs, and welfare without regard for others.
The problem is if you *always* put your own interests above everything else, it can take a serious toll on your relationships, impairing the mutual give-and-take that is so essential for healthy interpersonal relationships.
Learning to stop being selfish can help you focus more on the people who are important to you. It can also help you reap the psychological rewards of showing care and concern for others. It’s a way to improve your relationships and ensure you have the social support you need to thrive.
Keep reading to learn more about some of the things you can do to be less selfish, including:
- Becoming more aware of selfish behaviors
- Paying more attention to other people
- Strengthening your empathy
- Being aware of cognitive biases
- Volunteering
- Being grateful
6 Ways to Stop Being Selfish
Being less selfish isn’t about suddenly transforming into a total people-pleaser; it’s about making small, intentional shifts in your behavior that make you a better friend, partner, and human.
It takes time and practice. The first step is becoming more aware of the self-centered behaviors that might hold you back. Developing more empathy, conscientiousness, and thoughtfulness are also key. Below are just a few strategies that can help.
Evaluate Your Behaviors
Let’s start with the basics—evaluating your own behavior. It’s important to remember that it is normal to act selfishly from time to time. Sometimes, it really is your turn to “take a selfish.” Sometimes people go through phases of life where they are more self-focused—like specific developmental periods such as adolescence and young adulthood.
If you suspect that you might be a little too selfish, it is important to evaluate your behaviors and consider the ways you might be able to change.
Are you selfish with your time? Your resources? Your attention? Or are you neglecting the needs of other people who rely on you in some way?
Once you pinpoint the problem, you can start making a concerted effort to change. It may take time and a little practice. Eventually, you’ll find that you are better able to recognize selfish behavior and more adept at addressing it before it becomes a serious problem.
Pay Attention to Others
When you want to stop being selfish, paying attention to other people and listening to what they say is key. Active listening is a skill that can help you focus on others, help them feel valued, and take the focus off of yourself.
To listen actively, you need to be fully present in the moment. Pay attention to what the other person is saying and how they are saying it. Body language, including expression and movement, can convey a lot of meaning.
Show interest in the other person by maintaining good eye contact and asking open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. As you practice this skill, you may find yourself more interested in what other people think and feel.
Check in With Others
One simple thing you can do is check in with friends and loved ones regularly. Send a text or make a call to someone and let them know you are thinking about them. Show interest in their life and let them know that you care.
Increase Empathy
Empathy is what allows you to consider things from other people’s points of view and focus on things beyond your own needs. Developing your empathetic abilities is a great way to stop being selfish. Strategies that can help you build empathy include:
- Imagining how you would feel if you were in someone else’s position
- Spending more time communicating with other people
- Thinking about the things you have in common with others rather than fixating on the differences
- Sharing things about yourself
- Participating in new activities that help expand your social circle and meeting people from different walks of life
Research has shown that empathetic people are more likely to engage in prosocial behavior. In other words, they tend to be more selfless and less selfish.
Watch for Cognitive Biases
Cognitive biases are thinking errors that affect how we interpret and interact with the world. Such biases can lead to poor decision-making, but they can also contribute to selfish behavior.
For example, the fundamental attribution error is a bias that can cause you to blame other people’s behavior on their character while attributing your mistakes to external forces. Similarly, the self-serving bias can lead you to attribute your success to your innate talent and hard work while at the same time blaming others for your mistakes and failures.
Such biases are often rooted in people seeing things only from their own perspective. Being aware of these thinking errors and making an effort to consider different ways of seeing situations can help reduce both bias and selfishness.
Volunteer to Help Others
Volunteering is a great way to turn your focus outward. While helping out a good cause is certainly a great way to help make the world a better place, evidence also suggests that volunteers reap important rewards.
Altruistic behaviors can:
And because helping others requires you to focus on something outside yourself, it can go a long way toward reducing selfishness.
Show Gratitude
Gratitude involves appreciating the good things in your life. Practicing gratitude can reduce self-centeredness by helping you focus your attention on the things you love and respect in others.
One strategy to help increase appreciation for others? Keeping a gratitude journal. It can be a simple, daily tool to help you reframe your thinking and remember what matters most.
Try to spend a few minutes each day writing down a few things you are grateful for. Focusing on the people who bring happiness to your life can reduce self-centeredness.
Characteristics of Selfish People
Selfishness doesn’t always look the same. And self-focused behaviors are not always a sign of selfishness. They can be an essential form of self-care that is critical to well-being.
To better recognize harmful, selfish behavior, it can be helpful to look at some key differences between selfish and selfless people.
Selfless
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Generous
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Altruistic
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Humble
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Empathetic
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Conscientious
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Kind
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Grateful
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Charitable
Reasons Why We’re Sometimes Selfish
Selfishness doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s influenced by factors like how you were raised, your life experiences, or even just plain old human nature.
In some cases, certain traits or disorders can make selfish behaviors more likely. For example, people who tend to have narcissistic personalities are more prone to being self-absorbed.
Some factors that can contribute to this tendency include:
- Genetics: Personality traits are influenced by genetics, so having family members with more narcissistic personalities might make people more likely to display this trait.
- Upbringing: Growing up with adult mentors who emphasized materialism and self-centeredness can contribute to becoming a more selfish adult.
- Stress: People are sometimes more likely to experience selfishness as a response to stressful events.
Selfishness can vary depending on the situation; everyone engages in this behavior to a certain extent.
When dealing with a stressful or traumatic event, your first instinct is often geared toward self-protection. This is normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. After all, you must ensure your needs are met before you can turn your attention to helping others.
Benefits of Being Less Selfish
Letting go of selfish habits can bring various rewards to your life. Healthier, more positive relationships are one major benefit, but it can also lead to more significant personal growth and fulfillment.
Some possible benefits of learning to become less self-absorbed include:
Better Relationships
Being too self-absorbed can impair interpersonal relationships. If you never show up for the people in your life, they end up in a one-sided relationship. This can be toxic and lead people to reduce contact with you or even end the relationship altogether.
Becoming less selfish can strengthen your bonds with others and ensure you have the social connectivity you need for optimal well-being.
Less Stress
Because being less selfish can improve your social support, it can also reduce stress. After all, you’re more resilient when you have others to turn to for help and support as you deal with life’s challenges.
Research has shown that having a solid social support system can buffer against the damaging effects of stress.
Greater Happiness
Yes, ensuring your needs are met is a key part of happiness. But *only* focusing on yourself can backfire, particularly if it hurts your relationships or makes it hard for you to form new connections.
While it is essential to take care of yourself, turning your attention outward and focusing on others can help you feel happier and more content.
Higher Self-Esteem
While it might seem counterintuitive, thinking less about yourself might help you feel better about yourself. Good self-esteem stems from various sources, including positive interactions with others.
Is It Ever Good to Be Selfish?
Selfishness isn’t always bad, and everyone is selfish once in a while. It’s okay to be selfish when you need extra care and attention.
Not paying enough attention to yourself can negatively affect your health and well-being, contributing to chronic stress and burnout. So don’t be afraid to be selfish if you need to rest, when you feel overwhelmed, or need some time to yourself.
