Infantilization in Your Relationships

Key Takeaways

• Infantilizing someone can harm their self-image and confidence.
• If you notice yourself infantilizing someone, step back and let them make their own decisions.
• Infantilization can come from a desire to keep power or feel safe by taking control.

Infantilization is when an adult is being treated like a child, even though nothing about their mental, physical, social, or intellectual well-being requires such treatment. Parents are often guilty of this to some degree as their children grow up, particularly when they are teenagers and trying to forge their own path.

That said, infantilization can also happen in friendships and romantic relationships, especially if someone tries to demonstrate superiority.

“Infantilizing is treating someone as less than they are,” says Dr. Sherry Benton, a practicing therapist and founder of digital the mental health platform TAO Connect. “It is treating them as a child, a victim, and so forth.”

In recent years, the impacts of infantilization have been studied in nursing homes and senior centers, as well as regarding the care given to people diagnosed with autism or mental illnesses. If someone is infantilized, it can be harmful to their self-image and confidence.

While it can sometimes look like care at first, it tends to quietly erode self-esteem and autonomy over time. Keep reading to learn more about how infantilization works in relationships, what it looks like, and what to do if a relationship has crossed the line between nurturing and control.

What Is Infantilizing Behavior in Relationships?

 First, it’s important to reiterate that this doesn’t happen *only* in parent-child relationships.

“This can happen in any relationship,” says Benton. “Excessive neediness can be a sign. Additionally, one person in the relationship can gaslight and leave the other feeling inadequate and incompetent.”

• Excessive neediness: For example, constantly seeking affirmations, compliments, or attention.
• Constant contact: Always staying connected through text, phone, or social media.
• Downplaying someone’s thoughts or accomplishments: Instead of expressing pride, they undermine the other person to make them feel less important.
• Questioning complex and simple decisions: Instead of accepting choices, the person will interrogate each choice, asking “Are you sure?,” or even trying to make other suggestions.
• Gaslighting: Engaging in behaviors but then denying it to make a person question their reality.

If you feel like you are infantilizing someone, Benton urges you to take steps to address the behavior.

Sherry Benton, PhD

Recognize that you are hurting the other person and preventing them from growing.

— Sherry Benton, PhD

When you find yourself doing any of the things listed above, she encourages you to step back, offer your support, and allow the person to make their own decisions.

It’s also important to understand why this might be happening. It might be because you believe that’s what love is or that’s how your parents treat you. Or it might be that you are codependent or feel more comfortable and safe having the upper hand in relationships.

Why Do People Infantilize in Relationships?

People can infantilize others for lots of reasons. In parent-child situations, it unfortunately often starts early.

“This is something that can start in childhood and last through adulthood,” says Benton. “Sometimes, overly controlling parents can leave a child doubting themselves and unable to make decisions and take care of themselves in the long-term.”

One study found that infantilization by parents has what they called an “intense negative impact” on the child’s maturity as they age. Another study found that parents who infantilize their children can cause them to develop behavioral issues and also lead them to infantilize their own children.

“Infantilization can be a way to maintain power over someone and prevent them from being a functioning adult,” says Benton.

This may even be borne of the best intentions of not wanting to see your child get hurt, but it can cause children to doubt their own decision-making skills for years to come. If you are a parent, take note of your child’s ability to make decisions and work on supporting them when they come to you instead of taking over entirely.

Reasons for Infantilizing Yourself

While infantilization in romantic relationships or friendships can become a way for one person to control another by causing them to doubt themselves, Benton explains another viewpoint as well.

“Conversely, soliciting this treatment from someone is a way to appear helpless and control someone by letting them believe we can’t take care of ourselves,” says Benton.

Consider if you are infantilizing yourself to get someone to help you with things instead of asking them directly and risking rejection. You may act like a child to be treated like one, which may feel comforting, but can be limiting. Perhaps you act helpless so that others step in to do things for you, like paying your bills or solving your problems.

Infantilizing yourself may get you what you want in the short term, but it can be disempowering and prevent you from taking full responsibility for and having agency and freedom in your life.

Once you become aware that you may be infantilizing yourself with your partner or friends, you can share your awareness with them to request support and accountability in changing and shifting this dynamic. It may also be helpful to seek a therapist to help you identify the underlying reasons for your pattern of infantilizing yourself with others.

What Are the Effects of Infantilization?

The effects of infantilization can often be seen years after the dysfunctional relationship has ended. While people may have been infantilized by different figures in their lives, many of the effects are the same:

While not everyone who has been infantilized experiences all of these issues, it’s important to recognize the potential impacts of this treatment.

Reasons for Infantilization in Relationships

Why do people engage in infantilization? The simple answer is to gain control. Parents may have good intentions, wanting the best for their child, but this can be damaging when it reaches the point of not allowing children to make their own decisions.

In romantic relationships, people who infantilize have the same goal of maintaining a sense of power in the relationship.

Coping With Being Infantilized

Not only can infantilization hurt self confidence, it can also cause long-term mental health setbacks. For someone who is being infantilized, the most challenging part about dealing with it can be recognizing that it’s happening in the first place. “Often, it has been going on long enough to feel normal,” says Benton.

Benton suggests seeking out a therapist or counselor to talk to about your concerns. If the infantilizing behavior is coming from a parent, she also recommends family therapy.

Many therapists work with their patients to recognize infantilizing statements or actions. Once people recognize them, it’s much easier to call them out and address them. Therapists can also help you develop effective responses and reactions.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. Noriega C, Pérez-Rojo G, Velasco C, et al. Prevention of older adult infantilization by nursing home professionals: An intervention program. J Appl Gerontol. 2023;42(7):1620-1630. doi:10.1177/07334648231159981

2. Akhtar N, Dinishak J, Frymiare JL. Still infantilizing autism? An update and extension of Stevenson et al. (2011). Autism Adulthood. 2022;4(3):224-232. doi:10.1089/aut.2022.0014

3. Vielma-Aguilera A, Bustos C, Saldivia S, Grandón P. Psychometric properties of the attitudes scale of health care professionals’ toward people with a diagnosis of mental illness (Eaps-tm). Curr Psychol. 2023;42(7):5851-5863. doi:10.1007/s12144-021-01911-4

4. Panferov VN, Bezgodova SA, Miklyaeva AV. Infantilization of adolescents in the digital environment. Kankhva V, ed. E3S Web of Conferences. 2021;258. doi:10.1051/e3sconf/202125807033

5. Nuttall AK, Zhang Q, Valentino K, Borkowski JG. Intergenerational risk of parentification and infantilization to externalizing moderated by child temperament. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2019;81(3). doi:10.1111/jomf.12562

By Brittany Loggins

Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She’s also contributed to dozens of magazines.

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