Key Takeaways
- Parallel play in adults is when partners do different activities but stay physically near each other.
- It can help relationships by building trust and allowing partners to enjoy different interests.
- Too much parallel play without shared activities can harm a relationship.
You might have heard the term “parallel play” floating around, and if it makes you think of children, you may know a bit about child development and why this is an important practice for kids. But did you also know that parallel play can be healthy for adults, too?
Maybe you find that sometimes, you and your partner are sitting on the couch next to each other, you playing a game on your phone and them watching a TikTok video. You’re together, but doing separate things. That’s parallel play!
Read on to learn more about what parallel play is, as well as the benefits and drawbacks of practicing parallel play in an adult romantic relationship.
What Is Parallel Play?
“Parallel play” is a behavior typically associated with young children, and it describes the act of two or more children playing with different toys or activities separately while being physically side-by-side.
It’s an important part of a child’s development as it helps with developing motor skills, social skills, confidence, independence, and expression. When kids parallel play together, they are also learning about how other people might have different perspectives and inner lives than they do and that’s OK. Accepting that someone else might prefer a different game or activity, and still feeling comfortable being around that other person even when they aren’t doing the same things, is an important developmental step for a child.
Ever find yourself plopped on the couch and scrolling social media while you’re sitting next to your partner who is watching TV? That’s parallel play—a way to feel together even when you are having separate experiences.
Parallel play for adults can also look like:
- Reading different books next to each other in bed
- Lifting weights while your partner does yoga
- Doing different chores in the same room
- Being on your respective phones scrolling separately while you are together
- Folding laundry while your partner plays with your child
The whole “I’ll do my thing and you’ll do your thing and we’re both enjoying our things and that’s OK” thing actually comes up quite a bit in romantic relationships. While a healthy amount of parallel play can indicate comfort, trust, and security with each other in the relationship, just like with anything else, an extremely unbalanced amount of it can be harmful.
Benefits of Parallel Play
Parallel play can be good for your relationship because it helps you practice a version of “object permanence”—that is, trusting that your partner exists and will still be there for you and love you even when you two are not “together” and interacting directly. Parallel play lets your partner know that you trust them and are confident in their love and care of you even when they are not paying direct attention to you, and vice versa. This kind of security can greatly benefit a romantic relationship.
It also allows you to still enjoy activities that might not interest or appeal to your partner without feeling guilty or anxious. This is, again, about trust; trusting that your partner will be able to take care of themselves and take care of themselves while you are doing something they don’t want to do (or they are doing something you don’t want to do).
In addition, parallel play can help you and your partner get used to comfortable silence. Knowing that you don’t always need to be communicating, at least verbally, can leave you feeling more comfortable in the relationship overall.
Drawbacks of Parallel Play
There is such a thing as “too much of a good thing,” and this applies to parallel play as well. If you find yourself and your partner only doing parallel play, and never or hardly ever making time to actually do things together (as in, directly interacting with each other while doing something instead of doing something separately together), this can hurt the relationship.
You might find that you’ve gotten complacent, and no longer try to engage in or schedule interactive activities—like date nights or physical intimacy together—that require you both to be fully present with each other, as in doing the same thing at the same time, together. No longer spending quality time with your partner—defined as doing something together while giving each other your full attention—can be harmful for your relationship.
It’s also important that the things you do together are things that you both choose, agree to do, and enjoy—doing things together just for the sake of doing things together out of duty or obligation may result in resentment instead of closeness and connection.
Our electronics—our phones, and especially social media—can make it easy to slip into patterns of non-communication and non-engagement with our partners. It doesn’t take much to be completely suckered into doomscrolling or getting lost on Instagram or TikTok for hours on end. This kind of parallel play, and this much of it, isn’t great for a relationship.
Basically, if parallel play becomes the default over doing things together, that’s a worrisome sign. Every relationship needs balance, and this is no exception. Remember to make an effort to check in on your partner and intentionally make time to share and enjoy things together.
What Does Parallel Play Say About Your Relationship?
Parallel play can be indicative of a strong relationship because it practices “secure attachment” behaviors—that is, you and your partner feel connected even when you are not directly interacting.
This is the adult version of “object permanence” we talked about before—being able to hold your partner in your mind and your heart when they are physically or emotionally elsewhere, and trusting your partner to do the same. A secure attachment means you can have confidence in the strength of your relationship without needing constant reminders and reassurance that your partner wants, needs, and loves you.
Someone with an insecure attachment style—and especially an anxious attachment style—might have difficulty with parallel play because they are more likely to be afraid or even panic when they are not receiving direct and constant signs that their partner is connected with them.
Because of this, parallel play for someone with an insecure attachment can actually be a great step forward in the relationship; being able to trust their partner enough to “let them go” and be confident that their partner will always “return” is a key component of both parallel play and secure attachment.
However, if you find that you and your partner are doing nothing but parallel play, it might be time to have a discussion about your needs and what you can do to feel more connected in the relationship.
Do you feel distant from your partner? Do they feel distant from you? Talking about this habit can bring to light any issues or difficulties that you and your partner may be experiencing but haven’t verbalized yet.
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