Key Takeaways
- Talking openly about watching porn can help you and your partner understand each other’s feelings.
- If you don’t talk about watching porn, your partner might feel hurt and confused.
Embarrassment and shame tend to surround the issue of watching porn. For some people, that arises from the suspicion that it constitutes cheating. But for others, watching porn is a positive, healthy way to enhance the couple’s sex life. Whether porn is cheating or not is ultimately up to the partners involved. The key is to discuss the issue openly.
Whether or not watching porn counts as cheating isn’t a simple yes or no. Rather, it depends on your relationship and the rules all parties involved have agreed upon.
For Monogamous Relationships
A monogamous relationship is one in which you and your partner are the only parties. So if one of you is watching other people have sex, does that count as infidelity?
Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, PhD, LMHC, qualified parenting coordinator and Florida Supreme Court-certified family mediator, says that it depends on a person’s expectations of the relationship.
“If the couple has a mutual agreement regarding the use of porn and one partner strays from those limitations, then porn may be considered cheating,” says Gulotta.
This can be tricky, because many couples don’t discuss porn-watching. Janice Miles, LMFT, says it depends on the established rules of a relationship. For example, some couples discuss the issue and agree that each person can do it on their own. Or, they may agree to watch it together.
However, if a couple has never discussed watching porn, problems can arise if one person assumes the other never watches it. They then might feel like the partner has been cheating on them when they find out about it. Although this scenario might seem uncommon, about three-quarters of men and one-third of women in monogamous relationships watch porn alone.
Janice Miles, LMFT
A couple might consider watching pornography as infidelity if doing so violates agreed-upon limits or if partners have differing views that they haven’t discussed beforehand.
— Janice Miles, LMFT
For Non-Monogamous Relationships
You might assume that, if your relationship involves other people in addition to your primary partner, watching porn can’t possibly be cheating. This isn’t the case at all. Again, it’s all about the boundaries you set as a couple.
Gulotta stresses that establishing rules determines how all people in a relationship should behave in relation to watching porn.
A non-monogamous couple might have an open agreement about watching porn, whether alone or with other partners. In this case, doing that isn’t ever cheating. But just as in monogamous relationships, if one partner feels it’s cheating, the other doesn’t, and no one has discussed it, hurt and confusion can result.
Non-monogamous relationships can have just as many rules as monogamous ones—often, even more.
Can Watching Porn Be Emotionally Healthy?
Gulotta says that sharing a few porn videos as a couple can be a healthy experience that brings a couple closer and fosters communication about their sex life.
“Watching porn together can improve their communication in the bedroom and make them feel closer intimately,” she says.
Watching Porn Can Be a Form of Self-Care
Additionally, she notes that watching porn can be a part of a self-care routine. All couples need space and time alone, and porn-watching can be a harmless, even helpful way to decompress.
What About Cam Situations?
Even if everyone in a relationship has agreed that they’re allowed to watch porn without the involvement of anyone else, watching porn can actually still be cheating. That’s because nowadays, porn may be live, and viewers can become involved to some extent.
Some cam girls/guys have chat windows, and offer paid services such as shout-outs to single viewers. This blurs the lines of cheating even for couples who have established that watching porn is OK. You might not mind your partner watching other people have sex, but do mind them talking to one of the people performing sexual acts, live while it’s happening.
If a person uses porn in a secretive manner to connect with someone besides their partner, it can be considered cheating, according to Gulotta. She says that the other person in the relationship might feel betrayed when they learn about that happening, which can cause a disconnect in a relationship. She says it may be considered a breach of trust and may significantly damage a relationship.
Communication Is Key
As with every other part of a relationship, when it comes to watching porn, communication about it is key. You might consider it a harmless activity, but if your partner disagrees, you could cause them serious emotional pain by doing it. How can you know how you should behave about something if you never discuss it?
When Porn Becomes Unhealthy
“If [porn] use is causing a negative impact on your life or relationships, then you may want to re-evaluate your use and assess the benefits,” says Miles.
— When Porn Becomes Unhealthy
Have an Open Discussion
“Having an open discussion with your partner will help you both to share your feelings. If you listen to understand your partner, then you will both feel validated in your emotions and feel heard,” says Gulotta.
You can start the talk simply by asking how the other person feels about porn.
“The best questions to ask always start with, how do they feel about this, and what are they comfortable with,” she says.
Talking and setting up boundaries each person feels comfortable with, everyone can move forward in a more relaxed manner. Because couples who communicate openly experience more relationship satisfaction than those who don’t, this is a good practice for you and your partner in general.
How to Deal With Feelings of Betrayal
In an ideal world, you’ve talked with your partner about watching porn before you find out that they’re doing so. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. If you discover your partner has watched porn and you’re taken aback, know that feelings of betrayal are understandable and valid.
Tell Your Partner Why You Feel Betrayed
If you feel betrayed about your partner’s porn watching, Miles recommends you tell them how it makes you feel. “Identify if this is a personal issue or related to the relationship … and explore if there is an opportunity for compromise,” says Miles.
If you feel uncomfortable initiating the conversation, Gulotta recommends speaking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Or, talk about this with your partner and a couple’s therapist. This can be key to establishing healthy boundaries and can facilitate a productive conversation. Each person can and should be clear about what is right for them both individually and as a relationship partner.
Cultural shame is uncomfortable, especially surrounding personal or intimate topics. That can make discussing porn with your partner difficult—but it’s important. If you’re feeling betrayed by your partner’s viewing habits, reach out to someone you trust as soon as you can. The quicker you can begin the journey of establishing rules and boundaries in your relationship, the better its chances of success.
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