Meeting someone new can be thrilling—so much so that you catch yourself daydreaming about the relationship before it’s even begun. You barely know them, yet you’re already fast-forwarding to your imagined compatibility, obsessing over your potential as a power couple, and embracing fluttery, heart-racing sensations as if, after one or two dates, you’re in love.
That early, all-consuming infatuation might sound like the kind of romance you see in fairytales. In most cases, though, what you’re more likely experiencing is “limerence.” “It’s not just having a crush,” Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist at Bustan Therapy, tells SELF. “It’s like a full body, full brain phenomenon, where you have hopes, fears, fantasies—a very biochemical craving with lots of highs and lows.” Essentially, you’re not in love with the person you just met; you’re drawn to the idea of them.
In the whirlwind of early attraction, limerence can look a lot like what cheesy (and often unrealistic) rom-coms sell as “love at first sight.” However, experts say this differs from true, healthy, and reciprocal love that grows from actually knowing each other—not projecting your ideals onto a promising crush. Here are the biggest warning signs of limerence to look out for.
1. You immediately put them on a pedestal.
Chances are, you probably aren’t “in love” with someone you’ve only gone on one date with. And when you don’t have much real information about who they are, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with fantasies—imagining their personality, intentions, or emotional depth based on very little evidence.
“Essentially, you’re idolizing them and seeing them as perfect,” Afkhami says, which can blind you from their flaws or red flags. Maybe you’re convinced you’re special just because they double-texted. Or you’re deeply invested in the idea of an elaborate Valentine’s Day date, while ignoring the reality that they’ve been giving you the bare minimum. In these moments of limerence, you’re attached to who you think they are, not who they actually are.
2. You’re drawn to the chase.
One of the hallmarks of limerence is that it thrives on uncertainty. “Inconsistent feedback, for example, often exacerbates limerence,” Silva Depanian, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist at Avedian Counseling Center, tells SELF. You don’t quite know where you stand, whether they like you back, or how things will turn out—which is why you might be more drawn to someone when they pull away, or even lose interest once they reciprocate your feelings.
