Welcome to Asking for a Friend, an advice column that helps you make sense of your messiest, most complicated friendship moments. Each month, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, will answer readers’ burning—and anonymous—questions. Got one of your own? Ask Dr. Miriam here.
Dear Dr. Miriam,
My friend has gotten a lot of injectable work done over the years—and to be honest, I think it looks really overdone. I’ve even heard people talk behind her back, saying she looks “botched,” which breaks my heart.
She’s never directly asked for my opinion, which is why I’ve never had a natural opening to share how I feel. But as she continues getting more and more tweakments, I can’t help but feel conflicted. Am I a bad friend for staying quiet? I care about her and would like to be honest, but I also don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel judged and unattractive. At the same time, if I do say something, how do I bring it up in a way that’s kind, supportive, and not critical? I want to be mindful that maybe she’s dealing with her own insecurities.
—Injecting Some Honesty
Injecting Some Honesty,
Your motivation to protect your friend, your consideration of her potential insecurities, and your curiosity about how to best support her shine through. No, you are not a bad friend. You sound like a concerned friend.
I also hear your concern about how to avoid coming across as critical. I say this with a heavy dose of compassion and understanding: You already are.
The belief that your friend has taken her “tweakments” too far is already a value judgment, since beauty, appearance, and attractiveness are always rooted in subjectivity. Consider this: Would you question her confidence if she were to dye her hair a new color? To get a new tattoo or another piercing? What if her lips were not “overfilled” but consistently overlined? Of course, each of these carries different levels of risk and permanence. But if you were to survey enough people, chances are you would end up with a variety of responses and judgments. Would less frequent appointments have you feeling less concerned? What’s the threshold at which a “tweak” enters into insecure territory?
