Key Takeaways
- Kindness comes from genuine care, while niceness is often just polite behavior.
- Emotional intelligence helps you tell the difference between being kind and being nice.
- Being kind can strengthen trust and bonds in relationships more than just being nice.
Ever heard the phrase, “New Yorkers are kind but not nice”? It’s a common stereotype that those living in the Big Apple are rude and crass but kind. You might be thinking: well, you can’t be kind if you’re not nice.
Contrary to popular opinion, kindness is not synonymous with niceness. In fact, some say to be nice is to be superficially pleasant while to be kind is to genuinely care about the well-being of others. But how true is this claim, really? Below, we lay out the differences between niceness and kindness.
Niceness and Kindness: The Key Differences
Are you nice or are you kind? Well, according to Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, an associate professor and the director of three counseling programs at Lebanon Valley College, “Niceness [is a] kind of outer layer of engagement with the world and with people around you.” Kindness, in comparison, “is more internal [on a] deeper level.”
Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC
Are you a good person who does things that are beneficial for others? Do you have empathy? Are you somebody who is a doer for others?
— Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC
Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and an adjunct professor at the University of Southern California, sees the difference between niceness and kindness as something deeply tied to motivation and intention.
“Niceness is primarily focused; it has this extrinsic emphasis on what my behavior looks like to other people on the outside and from the outside,” she says, “whereas kindness is less about what it looks like on the outside and more about the intention behind the behavior. I call it a sort of intrinsic focus as opposed to an extrinsic focus.”
Burrets also points out that just because something is kind, doesn’t mean it will inherently come across as nice. “When you end a relationship directly and clearly when you know that it’s over, that is a kindness that doesn’t look nice from the outside,” she notes.
Examples of Niceness vs. Kindness
One example of how everyday people extend kindness towards each other is an account on Threads called Tiny Kindnesses. The project is the accumulation of stories, submitted by readers, where they describe a tiny act that made their day. Sometimes, it’s people offering a gentle word or two of encouragement, other times it’s someone creating a meal delivery for a person postpartum. Occasionally, it’s just a tiny footnote on the overall goodness of humanity.
An example of niceness, in comparison, is if someone asks if their haircut looks bad, and it does, but you still say it looks great. Whereas, if you were kind, you would say something like, “Ehh, you know it may not be the best haircut you’ve ever gotten but it’ll grow out well and you are so beautiful, you make it work!”
Effects on Mental Health and Emotional Intelligence
Did you know there’s a relationship between kindness and emotional intelligence? Yep, Burrets says that your level of emotional intelligence can make a significant difference in how you perceive and act upon niceness and kindness.
“The more emotional intelligence you have, the more likely you are to be able to discern between niceness and kindness, and the more likely you are to be able to choose kindness, even when it is the more difficult choice to make,” she notes. In other words, depending on how easy it is for you to process your emotions, regulate your feelings, and communicate, you can discern when someone is being nice versus kind. Plus, you can determine when to be kind vs. nice in appropriate situations.
Kindness, Niceness, and Their Role on Relationships
Recognizing kindness and being kind isn’t just an indicator of your EQ, either. It also plays a *huge* role in the success of your relationships. For example, Verjar says trust issues and conflict can arise in romantic relationships where one partner is met “with a lack of kindness.“
“I’ve seen situations where somebody engages with somebody who’s nice, and then the person’s not kind, and then they make assumptions about other nice people,” she explains. “They think, ‘Oh, if a person’s nice, that means they’re fake.’ And of course, that may or may not be true.”
Using “Niceness” to Manipulate
There’s also the issue of niceness being used as “symbolic violence” to control and manipulate others.
We’ve seen niceness, or perceived niceness, weaponized, particularly against marginalized people.
The stereotype of the angry Black woman or the bitter disabled person can be traced back to this pervasive societal idea that you must be nice to receive care and compassion. It’s important to know how niceness can be used against people across many lines including gender, Burret explains.
“People who are in positions of authority or have more power, people from dominant groups, can use niceness as a mask or a cover-up for doing things that are actually harmful to people that are in marginalized groups,“ she says. “And then when people that identify with marginalized groups respond in a not nice way, their lack of niceness is weaponized against them.”
How to Develop Kindness and Identify It in Another Person
As with many aspects of personal development, part of cultivating kindness is self-reflection and mindfulness. One way of developing mindfulness is by “thinking about your feelings and behaviors,” which will help you “build awareness and emotional intelligence to help you discern between niceness and kindness,” explains Burrets.
Similarly, being self-reflective can look like being more present and asking yourself deep open-ended questions like “What could I have done differently today?” or “How did X event make me feel?” It can also include journaling your feelings, taking a stroll in nature, or even practicing meditation. Just sitting in silence for five minutes and letting your thoughts gather is great to reflect on yourself and your feelings.
Overall, being reflective and aware of your feelings is a great step towards being mindful and considerate (AKA kind) to others. As the saying goes, “Treat others how you would want to be treated.”
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