Key Takeaways
- People with ADHD are at a higher risk of toxic relationships due to symptoms like impulsivity and inattention.
- Unresolved childhood trauma and a higher need for dopamine can make people with ADHD vulnerable to abuse.
- Awareness of toxic relationship patterns can help in breaking the cycle, but professional help may be needed.
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity, restlessness, or a combination of all of these.
Now, while building and maintaining relationships can be difficult for everyone, those with ADHD can encounter some unique challenges. For example, they may be seen as poor listeners due to being forgetful and distracted. Additionally, people with ADHD can display high novelty-seeking tendencies, which can sometimes lead them into toxic relationships when compared to the rest of the population.
As a result, this article will explore the ways relationships are impacted by ADHD, the link between ADHD and toxic relationships, as well as the signs to look out for, and some tips for breaking the cycle.
Toxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of You
A toxic relationship can be understood to be any relationship that leaves a person feeling like their well-being is being threatened psychologically, emotionally, and even physically.
While no relationship is perfect, toxic relationships often leave people feeling unsupported, controlled, disrespected, and consistently misunderstood. As a result, anytime spent with a partner or significant other can leave the person feeling perpetually drained and unhappy.
The Link Between ADHD and Toxic Relationships
While there is a range of ADHD symptoms, the ones commonly impacting relationships are emotional dysregulation, inattentiveness, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and disorganization.
This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD will face all of these challenges; however, for those with more severe symptoms, these are the ones that can impact a person’s ability to communicate effectively, regulate emotions, and seem present in the relationship. As a result, in some cases, the combination of these symptoms can make a partner unintentionally take on a parental role.
Furthermore, these issues can also be exacerbated in relationships where an individual’s ADHD is undiagnosed; thus, the perceived lack of commitment and attentiveness is perceived as a personal failing instead of behavior exacerbated due to a lack of symptom management. As a result, these relationships can begin to foster symptoms of toxicity and display unhealthy patterns.
Research Looking at the Impact of Attachment Style and ADHD on Relationships
In a 2020 study on the effect of partner attachment style on romantic relationships, researchers sought to uncover how the characteristics of a partner without ADHD influenced the relationship quality.
For the study, they looked into 159 couples where one partner had ADHD and the other didn’t, and they found that partners with an anxious attachment style reported lower levels of romantic relationship quality when compared to those with avoidant attachments.
Thus, these results indicate that the adverse effects that ADHD symptoms have on relationships can be exacerbated by a partner’s high level of insecure attachment.
Furthermore, while insecure attachments are generally thought to impact relationships negatively, this study suggests that in the case of people with ADHD, relationships with avoidant partners may offer more positive outcomes. Nevertheless, more research in this area is needed before any confirmations can be made.
Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?
People with ADHD can be highly susceptible to toxic relationships for various reasons. For example, a history of child abuse and a higher need for dopamine can make them more vulnerable to toxic relationships.
History of Child Abuse or Neglect
An important factor for this increased risk of engaging in toxic relationships is childhood trauma. For example, previous research has estimated that individuals with ADHD were over six times more likely to report being physically abused in childhood than those without it. In addition, a 2018 meta-analysis also found a significant association between ADHD symptoms and experiences of child maltreatment.
Regarding the long-term effect of abuse, an alternate 2018 study on twins also found strong associations between abuse, neglect, and ADHD in childhood. However, they also found that this often led to an increased risk of these individuals experiencing abuse later on in life.
Higher Need for Dopamine
For people with ADHD, stimulating and enjoyable activities hold their attention best. This is because their brains have a dysfunctional reward system, and the release of dopamine keeps them alert, focused, and productive. So how does this translate in relationships?
Relationships in which one person has ADHD tend to have an intense beginning due to people with ADHD having an affinity for those who are expressive, emotionally intense, and spontaneous.
While “boring” relationships can be challenging for anyone, the ADHD brain consistently craves stimulation and dopamine. People with ADHD can find themselves innately drawn to relationships with quick, intense beginnings.
Even though initial intensity in dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing, abusive relationships — where gaslighting and love bombing take place — also often begin the same way.
Someone with ADHD may be drawn to people who appear confident and well-put-together and miss out on signs that the other person is controlling and manipulative. And this is why pursuing relationships that cause hyper-fixations and deep feelings of infatuation can result in problems down the line.
ADHD and Intimate Partner Violence
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines intimate partner violence (IPV) as “Abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship.” This type of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or involve stalking — and it varies in severity and occurrence. Additionally, previous experiences of violence and maltreatment are documented risk factors for subsequent IPV.
Keeping this in mind, it is clear that people with ADHD are at an increased risk of experiencing IPV due to the high likelihood of encountering abuse and neglect in childhood — the research confirms this, too.
What Does the Research Say?
One study on the association between childhood ADHD diagnoses and intimate partner victimization in young women found that participants with a persistent ADHD diagnosis — meaning, they were still diagnosed with ADHD when they entered young adulthood — stood the highest risk of experiencing victimization by an intimate partner, with a rate of 37.3%. In comparison, those diagnosed only in childhood had a risk of 19%, and those without ADHD had the lowest risk rate at 5.9%.
Additionally, these researchers found that overall, participants with ADHD were also more likely to experience physical abuse at the hands of an intimate partner than the comparison groups (30.7% vs. 6.3%). Thus, their work highlighted young women with ADHD as a vulnerable group needing IPV prevention and intervention.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
As a reminder, even healthy relationships will have periods of toxicity or display unhealthy patterns — particularly during times of increased stress or conflict. However, what makes a toxic relationship distinct is that these issues are persistent and occur long-term.
Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the behaviors the relationship displays and the frequency with which they occur.
Here are some toxic behaviors and traits to be aware of:
Coping With a Toxic Relationship
When it comes to coping with a toxic relationship, there is no single approach that works universally. This is because relationships are dynamic and unique to those within the partnership. That said, there are various general ways people can protect themselves and cope within them.
Ask Yourself If the Relationship Is Fixable, Remembering That It’s Ok To Leave
In some instances, toxic relationships can be repaired — that said, it is also essential to know when a relationship has run its course. One way to figure this out is by checking to see if everyone in the relationship is committed to making things work. This involves changing unhealthy behaviors, respecting each other’s boundaries, and even seeking help from a therapist.
Nevertheless, in instances where a commitment to change is continually broken, the relationship has probably run its course. In this case, breaking the cycle would mean finally letting go.
It is important to note that this step does not apply to abuse in relationships. Abuse is never OK; in these instances, the most important thing is protecting yourself.
Be Assertive With Your Boundaries And Needs
While open and honest communication seems easy in theory, it can sometimes feel challenging — particularly for those who weren’t allowed to assert themselves growing up. However, for a relationship to work, both parties must feel heard, secure, and protected.
Therefore, it is vital that boundaries are continually established and maintained and that any issues present are communicated healthily.
Shift Your Perspectives
Regarding arguments, it is important not to communicate in a way that blames another person. Instead, a healthier way to communicate would highlight mutual understanding and learning.
That said, recognizing past behaviors is also vital. Therefore, there needs to be a mutual acceptance of responsibility. Not only will these two changes aid in creating healthier communication habits, but they’ll also indicate and reflect self-awareness and self-responsibility.
Find Outside Support
While people often turn to couples counseling to fix a relationship, having individual therapy (in tandem or before) could also be highly beneficial for the relationship and general personal well-being of those involved.
Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix the relationship; however, individual therapy has the bonus of allowing individuals to work on themselves and any attachment issues linked to childhood. Healing individually can also help people recontextualize their dating habits, patterns, and desires and open them up to healthier relationships overall.
That said, there are other forms of support to consider, too; these include support groups, local and online communities, classes, and engagement with work created by others who have gone through a similar situation.
How to Break Toxic Patterns
The first step in breaking any pattern is realizing that you’re in one, and it is a lot easier to do this when you can accept the situation without shame or guilt.
Additionally, it may also be helpful to do an internal catalog of previous relationships to determine if similar relationship dynamics have previously appeared. This awareness of previous habits can also offer a possible avenue of inner work that needs to take place.
It is important to note that many people with ADHD experience high levels of rejection sensitivity, and this can lead to instances where they overreact, misinterpret, or distort what other people say and do. Rejection sensitivity can also result in intense feelings of rejection and grief over a relationship ending — and sometimes make individuals reluctant to end a relationship out of this fear.
Working with a licensed mental health professional could be beneficial for these individuals. They may recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy or offer tools to work on any triggers.
If you are dealing with abuse, it is vital that you get help right away. Remember, some relationships are only meant to last a season, and leaving doesn’t mean you wasted time. Leaving is always an option.
