Key Takeaways
- Echoism is when someone puts others’ needs before their own and avoids feeling special to not be seen as selfish.
- People with echoism might not share their feelings or needs, making relationships feel one-sided over time.
- You can overcome echoism by setting boundaries and recognizing personal needs as important.
Echoism is more or less the opposite of narcissism and often occurs due to fears of appearing narcissistic or as a protection mechanism. While narcissists are self-absorbed and lack empathy, an echoist struggles to ask for anything they want or need. People living with echoism don’t see themselves or their preferences and needs as worthwhile, and believe they deserve it to be that way.
An echoist is constantly in fear of being perceived as a narcissist, working to prevent any actions that would make others view them as such, like acting self-absorbed or arrogant. However, this often leads people to stay inside their own heads and become preoccupied with themselves.
“People with this trait are characterized by being self-effacing, overly modest, and overgiving while underserving themselves,” says Michelle English, LCSW, co-founder and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery. “Echoists strive to stay out of the public eye, both in reality and in their own thoughts. They strongly resist any recognition of their successes or needs as it often makes them feel vain.”
The term echoism has only recently entered the mainstream vernacular, deriving from the Greek myth of Echo and Narcissus. As it continues to be explored, here’s what you need to know about echoism, where it stems from, and how it can affect a person’s relationship.
What Is Echoism?
Echoism is a trait someone exhibits rather than a disorder itself. Unlike narcissistic personality disorder, echoism isn’t in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) and thus is not a diagnosable condition. “However, it’s seen as a significant behavioral pattern that can impact a person’s relationships and overall well-being,” says Dr. Harold Hong, a board-certified psychiatrist at New Waters Recovery.
Despite it not being a formal condition, echoism has telltale indicators. According to Hong, these are some of the most recognizable signs of echoism:
- Fear of praise or seeming selfish or narcissistic in any way
- Excessive focus on others
- Neglect of own needs
- Suppress desires
- Always agree with others
- Active rejection or avoidance of attention
- Take on self-blame and are highly self-critical
- Highly empathetic
Some of these traits exist to a degree in many people, but the regular occurrence of a variety of them can point to echoism.
The Difference Between Echoism and Codependency
Echoism is often confused with codependency as both involve enabling behaviors, neglect of one’s needs, suppressing of desires, and extreme focusing on others—but they are not the same thing.
Echoists are often extremely empathic and highly skilled at listening but unlike with codependency, they may not try to guide, manipulate, or control another’s actions with their behaviors.
How Echoism Impacts Relationships
Echoist tendencies can significantly change how a person interacts in platonic and romantic relationships. “Most people with echoism are scared to take a leadership role in their relationships, which can make it difficult for them to express their true feelings, preferences, and needs,” says English. “If not addressed, this difficulty can lead to a feeling of dissatisfaction and emotional distance in the relationship.”
A person in a relationship with an echoist might struggle to feel deeply connected or like they understand the other person. It’s important to note that echoists tend to be active listeners and very empathetic. However, the issue arrives when there’s no balance in the relationship.
“In the beginning, a romantic relationship may feel like you are dating the nicest person in the world. They care about what you want, are respectful, and are a wonderful listener, but over time, you start to feel like you don’t really know the person you are dating,” says Dr. Dana Wang, a psychiatrist and the co-founder and CEO of RIVIA Mind, a telepsychiatry mental health service company.
Wang continues, “You almost get a sense that you are only taking from the relationship and not giving anything back.” Someone in a relationship with an echoist might feel guilty in a seemingly one-sided relationship, unable to support their partner. This barrier can limit the depth and lifespan of a relationship, as an echoist’s partner might feel like the relationship can’t get past the surface level.
Echoists’ overgiving nature can leave them vulnerable to abuse at the hands of people with conditions like narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy, warns English. Having a partner who focuses solely on them and agrees on things can feel ideal to a narcissist. This dynamic can leave an echoist vulnerable to manipulation and regularly sacrificing themselves for their partner.
Where Echoism Comes From
An echoist believes that other people’s needs and happiness come before their own, says English. They often have low self-esteem and might have experienced trauma that caused the belief.
“Echoism is a traumatic reaction from having been rejected,” Wang says. An echoist likely had childhood experiences or relationships with caregivers during which they were rejected. They might perceive any emotional vulnerability as the cause of this dismissal and tell themselves that no one wants to hear about their problems or be with someone needy.
They essentially convince themselves that suppressing their own needs for the sake of others is the only way they can be loved, Wang says. “Essentially, they convince themselves that this is the only way they can be loved,” Wang adds.
The Importance of Feeling Special
A narcissist often focuses almost entirely on feeling special, while an echoist can fear feeling special at all for fear of being poorly perceived.
“Either extreme is about suppressing certain aspects of us disproportionately. It’s ok to be special and want to feel special. It’s human nature, and it’s a valid human need. However, if it’s all one wants, in disregard for others, then it’s problematic,” says Wang. “A healthy balance makes someone a good team player and functions well in society to build collaborative relationships that are give and take.”
Echoism and narcissism can each have a negative impact on the individual and the people in their life. Everyone needs to find a healthy middle ground for themselves where they can comfortably have confidence in themselves while also appreciating other people.
Fostering the belief you are special can improve your self-confidence and self-esteem, leading you to have more faith in and possibly even love yourself. Remember you are special every day by just getting up and existing in this world as you. You bring something unique and wonderful to this place, and your mere existence deserves to be treasured.
Overcoming Echoism
Echoism doesn’t need to be a permanent state of mind. A person experiencing it, along with their loved ones or a mental health professional, can make strides toward feeling more secure and confident. Part of this involves setting boundaries rather than going along with anything another person wants to do.
Wang recommends starting with statements like, “I don’t feel like going out today, and I’d rather stay home.” It can also help to practice these boundaries in platonic relationships before testing them out in romantic relationships, as there may be less pressure.
It can be challenging to overcome echoist traits when in or coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. According to Dr. Avigal Lev, a licensed clinical psychologist at Bay Area CBT Center, it’s critical to show a person in this situation that their partner was a narcissist and that they were projecting a false, potentially manipulative self.
“Once the victim acknowledges the true nature of the narcissist and accepts that they were deceived and manipulated, the next step is to guide them through the process of understanding the mechanisms of brainwashing and how they were influenced by it,” says Lev. This task requires reviewing their experiences of brainwashing or gaslighting and how their partner used these actions to seek control. Then the emphasis moves to helping them find themselves again.
This process isn’t a quick undertaking but one that requires patience and an opportunity for them to grieve the experience. As Lev explains, it “entails assisting them in reconnecting with reality, identifying their core values and what truly matters to them in life, and encouraging them to develop their own beliefs, judgments, hobbies.”
