If you’ve developed romantic feelings for your therapist, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s a common occurrence that professionals are trained to handle. It’s understandable, too: Therapy is an intimate process that offers three key qualities of a healthy relationship: accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement.
Add to that the safety and acceptance inherent in this setting, and your therapist can seem very attractive indeed, especially if you’re not getting these things elsewhere in your life. Here’s what to do if you think you’re falling in love with your therapist.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
First, understand that having romantic feelings for your therapist is not unusual or something to be ashamed of. This common experience is known as transference, a term coined by Sigmund Freud in 1895.
What Is Transference?
Transference occurs when a client unconsciously projects their feelings about someone else onto a therapist. These emotions can be positive, negative, or sexualized.
Transference is most often thought of in terms of romantic or sexual feelings, but it can involve nearly any emotion, from anger and hatred to admiration and dependence—anything you feel or have felt toward some kind of significant other. For example, you might subconsciously transfer your feelings toward your parent to your therapist.
Transference can go in the other direction, too. Therapists sometimes experience countertransference, in which they develop feelings for their clients. A reputable practitioner will either refer the client to another therapist, or examine these emotions to understand those the client is trying to elicit.
After you realize that transference is very common and not shameful at all, talk about your feelings with your therapist. Professing your love (or whatever emotion you’re feeling) may be easier said than done, but it can help your therapist understand your issues and help you get the most out of your therapy.
What It Means for You
Transference doesn’t mean you need to stop therapy, as long as you understand your feelings and don’t plan to act on them. A skilled therapist can help you explore these feelings to gain insight into your underlying wants, needs, and fears, which can support your path to healing.
For example, a therapist might notice that falling in love with unavailable people is a recurrent, painful pattern in your life and then help you work toward change. Or, perhaps you’ve never experienced warmth and acceptance in a relationship with a family member or romantic partner, both of which are feelings inherent in the therapist-client relationship. As your therapist helps you understand why you find these feelings so intoxicating, you will likely experience personal growth.
How Will Your Therapist Handle It?
An ethical, well-trained therapist will be open to discussing your feelings, even if they involve the therapist. Therapy is a safe space to talk about these feelings, which can lead to significant personal growth. Your therapist should handle this situation graciously and explore it with you.
For example, they might reflect what you’ve told them and ask for clarification: “It sounds like you are concerned about feeling _____ toward me. Tell me what you are experiencing right now.” They might then work with you to redirect those emotions back to the person for which you originally felt them.
Of course, if your feelings make your therapist uncomfortable or might otherwise impede your treatment, you might be referred to another practitioner.
Ethical Considerations
Romantic relationships between a therapist and a client are not only inappropriate but also unethical. It is the therapist’s responsibility to maintain this professional boundary.
The American Counseling Association Code of Ethics states: “Sexual and/or romantic counselor–client interactions or relationships with current clients, their romantic partners, or their family members are prohibited. This prohibition applies to both in-person and electronic interactions or relationships.”
By sharing your emotional experiences and secrets with your therapist, you are being vulnerable. That’s crucial to the process—but taking advantage of your vulnerability and reciprocating in any way is a clear ethical violation. If this happens, end your professional relationship and consider reporting the therapist to their state board. If their actions are determined to be in violation of these ethics, they can lose their license.
Frequently Asked Questions
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How should I tell my therapist I have feelings for them?
Be honest, as difficult as that may be. An effective therapist will help you work through your feelings and explain that they arise from a formative relationship in your past, not from this current professional relationship.
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Can transference happen outside of therapy?
Transference, in fact, happens every day in ordinary life when what we learn and experience in past relationships triggers reactions in the present. For example, say you feel intense dislike toward someone you’ve just met without knowing why; it may be that you’ve noted (subconsciously) that he resembles someone in your past who hurt you.
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