Key Takeaways
- A “pick me girl” is someone who changes her behavior to win the approval of men.
- Calling someone a “pick me girl” can be harmful and may harm their self-esteem.
- Women should focus on self-worth and not rely on men’s approval to feel valued.
She doesn’t eat salads, wear a lot of make-up or do girl drama. She eats burgers, drinks beer, loves sports, and always goes with the flow. She’s not like other girls. Yeah, right! She’s just pretending to be “one of the guys” for attention, she’s such a “pick me girl”.
You’ve probably encountered this term before, and maybe even know a few women who fit the bill, but does slapping this label on women do more harm than good in a world that strives for gender equality?
Where Did the “Pick Me Girl” Originate?
In the early 2000s, many movies and TV shows featured “cool girl” characters who didn’t fit typical female stereotypes. Millennials who were teens then were influenced by these portrayals.
For instance, in A Cinderella Story, Sam chooses a hamburger over a rice cake, surprising Austin. This behavior fits the “guys’ girl” image, showing she’s not preoccupied with dieting.
In Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me,” the lyrics describe how she wears sneakers and sits on the bleachers; however, her crush’s girlfriend wears high heels and is the cheer captain. These differences suggest she’s more laid-back and relatable.
In recent years, Gen Z has popularized #PickMeGirl as an insult. It comes from the phrase “I’m not like other girls.” A woman labeled as a “pick me girl” is mocked for altering herself to gain male approval, suggesting she’s desperate to be seen as the better choice.
Characteristics of a “Pick Me Girl”
A “pick me girl” refers to a woman whose behavior shows a strong desire for male approval.
Marvy Beckman LICSW, Co-Chief Executive Officer of Sunstar Virtual Behavioral Solutions, shared that a “pick me girl” might adjust her speech, appearance, and personality to connect with those she wants to impress. She spends time around certain groups or elevates different aspects of her life, even if it feels uncomfortable, to meet this need.
- Prides herself on being different from other women
- Not overly needy or feminine
- Constantly seeks validation from others, especially men
- Wants to be known as a cool girl who can hang with the guys
- Low-maintenance, easy-going, or chill
- Downplays her achievements and interests
Negative Associations With Being a “Pick Me Girl”
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist in New York City, notes that the label “pick me girl” has negative associations because it implies that a woman gives up her power and bases her value on male validation.
A “pick me girl” may derive her identity and self-worth from being chosen by others. She might change her values and personality to be selected. This need for validation often stems from low self-worth. While she might come across as irritating to some women, it’s important to recognize that she may be struggling with self-esteem.
“When women view relationships as an opportunity to be picked — which for many is reinforced as the highest goal a woman can achieve in society (followed by marriage and babies) they miss out on valuable information about the other person — and often end up with partners who are not well suited to them in the long run,” explained Dr. Romanoff.
Are There Any Positive Aspects of “Pick Me Girls”?
Before the term “pick me girl” became common, it was often socially acceptable, even encouraged by media, for women to change themselves to suit men’s preferences. The label now helps identify these behaviors as harmful and highlights the negative cultural influences affecting women’s self-perception.
Tatiana Rivera Cruz MSW, LCSW, points out a few positive outcomes of the label.
“Positive aspects that we can analyze from the “pick me girl” label is the initiative to being exposed to others and confronting others’ opinions about the self,” explained Cruz.
Are There “Pick Me Boys”?
Yes, there is such a label as “pick me boys”. Beckman explained that a “pick me boy” seeks connection in whatever way seems viable. Everyone has a different comfort level when expressing their needs to others. A “pick me boy” may change his appearance, education, and/or personality to get the connection he desires.
Cruz explained that a “pick me boy” may use emotional manipulation by faking self-esteem and using self-pity and self-deprecation to seek approval and their desire to fulfill their needs. For instance, a “pick me boy” will give compliments to others not because they genuinely want to praise someone but as a way to receive them.
How To Avoid Being a “Pick Me Girl”
There are ways for women to avoid being labeled a “pick me girl”. This isn’t only about how to prevent being name-called. Dr. Romanoff shared that women can be more true to themselves and stop behaving with the primary goal of winning male approval. By de-centering men and instead centering themselves in the relationship process, women can work to reprogram this intense pressure and thrill of being picked.
“Instead of feeling inferior because the guy isn’t texting back or flaked on your date because you don’t feel good enough — ask yourself how his actions make you feel. Is this feeling something you want to experience from your partner?,” advised Dr. Romanoff.
When women are more sure of themselves and what they bring to the table, they can become less reliant on external validation. Always try to ground yourself in how the other person’s actions made you feel — instead of trying to assume your value based on how they treat you.
Potentially Harmful Impact of the “Pick Me Girl” Label
Gender stereotypes are associated with harassment, violence and sexism in men. In women, they are linked to body shame, eating disorders, reduced career-related ambitions, tolerance of abuse and sexist beliefs.
A “pick me girl” finds their identity and worth by being chosen. She often jumps through hoops and changes her values, who she is, and her personality in hopes of being picked. The problem with this is that their need to be picked or validated is more about their lack of self-worth, so the perspective of the person labeling them may be skewed.
Therefore, some may justify the “pick me girl” label as our society’s way of battling gender stereotypes. However, labeling someone for their behaviors is a form of stereotyping. Labels set harmful expectations for people whether they meet them or not.
For instance, just because a woman enjoys watching sports and hates doing her nails doesn’t mean she’s acting like a “pick me girl”. She may truly enjoy those things and there should be no shame in that. Labels make it difficult for anyone to behave authentically because they create a fear of being put in a box or not fitting in one.
In addition, for those who are intentionally acting like a “pick me girl”, it often stems from a lack of self-confidence, limited sense of identity, immaturity, the media and the cultural pressures to appeal to men and gain their validation. Therefore, instead of hating on someone for being a “pick me girl”, it’s more productive to put our efforts towards dismantling labels and supporting one another instead of pitting women against each other.
“Modern society has heavily influenced the ubiquitous experience of the desire to be picked. Many women can relate to this experience and we can help others break out of it by reminding them of their own value outside of the men they attach to. Women have equal power to be pickers — and it is important to empower the women in your orbit to make use of this skill,” advised Dr. Romanoff.
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