Key Takeaways
- Fraysexual people feel a strong attraction to strangers and less attraction to people they know well.
- Fraysexuality can affect traditional relationships, but open communication can help maintain them.
- Fraysexuals may explore non-monogamous relationships to keep sexual interest alive.
Fraysexuality, also known as ignotasexuality, is a sexual identity in which people experience a strong attraction to strangers, and less attraction to people they know well.
A fraysexual person generally prefers having sex with people they don’t know over those they do. It’s the opposite of demisexuality, where a person needs to know someone well and feel connected to them before experiencing sexual attraction.
This identity is on the asexual spectrum, and it has its own flag: The colors are four stripes of blue, cyan, white, and gray. The blue represents strangers, the cyan acquaintances, white for lack of attraction, and gray for sexual attraction confusion.
Ahead, we’ll discuss more about fraysexuality, signs a person may exhibit as a fraysexual, and how this identity might impact your love life.
Fraysexuality Exists on the Asexuality Spectrum
Asexuality is considered an umbrella term for people who have sexual identities that involve an aversion to sex, and it includes other identities such as graysexual, autosexual, and demisexual.
Dr. Edward Ratush, Board Certified Psychiatrist, sex therapist, and co-founder of SOHOMD, explains that fraysexuality “falls under the umbrella of the asexual spectrum because of the specific aversion a fraysexual individual will have toward sexual contact with their most intimate partner. Simply stated, the more a fraysexual person is emotionally connected with their intimate partner the less they are inclined to have overt sexual desire for this partner.”
Fraysexual individuals do not necessarily identify as asexual. Rather, the term asexual is used as an umbrella one that fraysexual falls under.
Can Anyone Identify as Fraysexual?
One does not need a specific sexuality to be fraysexual. A person can identify as fraysexual whether they are gay, straight, or pansexual, and they can be of any gender. It’s an identity that a person may use to describe themself, or someone else may refer to someone as fraysexual if they notice that that person is more sexually attracted to strangers than to people they know.
Even if someone calls you fraysexual, though, that doesn’t mean you have to identify with the term. Sexuality is highly personal, and we all have the right to identify as whatever feels best for us.
6 Signs You May Be Fraysexual
While an attraction to strangers is the most prominent sign of fraysexuality, there are numerous other signs too.
- Loss of sexual interest with a partner: Dr. Ratush says this occurs “despite a growing love and connection with one’s intimate partner outside the sexual realm.”
- Desire for romantic stability: Sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D tells us that “despite experiencing a decline in sexual attraction, the individual may still desire romantic stability and emotional connection with their partner. They may feel fulfilled romantically and emotionally even as their sexual interest wanes.”
- High interest in new experiences: Moore explains how “novelty and new experiences might be significant factors that spark their sexual attraction.”
- Unstable sexual interest: A Fraysexual person may feel inconsistent in their attractions and physical desires for others.
- Challenge maintaining sexual desire: “Emotional closeness and familiarity with their partner might lead to a decrease in sexual desire,” says Moore. She adds that “when trying to rekindle sexual interest in an established relationship, they may struggle to regain the initial level of sexual attraction.”
- Disconnect between emotional and physical attraction: Moore says that “Their emotional bond remains meaningful, but sexual attraction might not align with it in the same way.”
Fraysexuality vs. Demisexuality
Fraysexuality
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Attraction to strangers
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Less attraction to people they’re close to
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May seek out casual encounters with strangers
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Does not require emotional connection for intimacy
Demisexuality
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Lack of attraction to strangers
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More attraction to people they’re close to
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Won’t seek out casual encounters with strangers
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Requires emotional connection for intimacy
Can fraysexuals still be in serious committed relationships?
From what you know thus far about fraysexuality, you may think a fraysexual person isn’t capable of being in a serious, committed relationship, but that isn’t necessarily the case. “Fraysexual individuals may still experience romantic attraction and emotional connections with their partners even as their sexual attraction diminishes over time,” says Moore.
Ratush explains that “sexual interest, sexual activity, or even monogamy are not the only reasons people enter relationships, and they are not necessarily required for a relationship to work,” and notes that “people engage in relationships for a multitude of reasons that are, themselves, dynamic and can evolve throughout our lives.”
Whether or not a committed relationship with a fraysexsual person will involve the same amount of sex throughout the relationship as it did in the beginning is a different topic. It’s normal for couples who have been together long term to have less sex than they did initially. It’s also normal for people to have less sex as they age, period.
To keep a relationship in a good place, Moore says that “it’s essential for fraysexual individuals to communicate openly with their partners about their changing sexual needs and explore relationship structures that accommodate both partners’ desires for intimacy and connection.”
Does being fraysexual mean that I have issues with sex and intimacy?
Someone who is fraysexual will experience a waning interest in sex as they get to know someone, but that doesn’t innately mean they have intimacy and sex issues. “It simply represents a unique pattern of sexual attraction where the intensity of attraction may change based on emotional proximity to a person,” explains Moore.
“Fraysexual individuals can experience fulfilling romantic relationships, and their sexual orientation does not dictate their ability to engage in meaningful emotional connections with others,” she says.
However, it’s worth noting that a fraysexual person may not receive the same relationship benefits as someone who experiences more attraction to those they’re emotionally close to. “psychological intimacy may enhance the physical experience as physical intimacy enhances the emotional connection between people who are in love,” says Ratush.
“Fear and anxiety often lead the charge for reasons why someone would avoid something, and losing a sexual/emotional connection is one obvious thing to avoid, avoiding that loss may be a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts,” he explains.
How Being Fraysexual May Influence Your Sex Life
An identity of fraysexuality can impact one’s sex life due to their lowered levels of desire for someone they know well. ” Individuals who identify as fraysexual may face challenges in traditional monogamous relationships if their sexual attraction decreases over time,” says Moore. She adds that ” some fraysexual individuals may explore non-monogamous relationship structures to maintain their sexual fulfillment while nurturing emotional connections with their partners.”
Ratush says fraysexuality “is an identity that will require a lot of mutual understanding,” and both therapists stress the importance of open and honest communication around sex and one’s relationship to it to keep the relationship working.
When a person has a sexual preference or a limit, the need to set it will increase the likelihood of there being a barrier to connection with partners,” Ratush says, so those in relationships with fraysexuals may need to find other ways of connecting with their partner in addition to sex. But, because healthy romantic relationships require many different types of connection, fraysexuality doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.
Knowing oneself and understanding how to create a relationship given your nature is important for all relationships. Establishing what you are seeking in a relationship is helpful for both you and your partner when filling any type of sexual or emotional need, especially for fraysexual people.
“Understanding and embracing one’s fraysexual orientation can lead to more fulfilling relationships and personal growth as individuals embrace and communicate their sexual needs with their partners,” says Moore.
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