It’s super frustrating when it feels like your partner is an emotional brick wall. This is the person you are supposed to share everything with, right? So, why can’t they let you know what they are really feeling? Instead of opening up, you’re left trying to decode half-hearted shrugs and one-word responses.
If this sounds like your relationship, you are not alone. Lack of communication is a common problem for many couples, but a lack of *emotional* can be particularly troublesome.
When a partner doesn’t discuss their feelings, it’s hard for the other person and can lead to discord. People want to feel like they have open communication and true intimacy. If you are tired of playing armchair therapist (and psychic) when it comes to your partner’s feelings, there are things you can do to help them open up. Just remember, vulnerability can be really hard. It often takes persistence, patience, and a whole lot of empathy.
So, how can you encourage your partner to open up? For starters, try the following:
- Keep your body language positive
- Avoid criticizing or shaming
- Share your feelings to help set the stage for them to open up
- Be encouraging when they start expressing themselves.
Ultimately, creating a safe and open space will make your partner more comfortable discussing their feelings.
Don’t Give Up on Communication
John Gottman notes that in heterosexual relationships, women bring up issues 80% of the time. It’s common for a partner to struggle with discussing their feelings.
Emotions serve many purposes. If your partner is hesitant or uncomfortable sharing their emotions, they might avoid conversations or respond minimally, which can be frustrating.
Common reasons for their discomfort may include::
- Fear of not expressing themselves well
- Fear of being accused
- Worry about being judged or shamed
- Lack of understanding of emotions
- Difficulty identifying their feelings
- Cultural expectations, such as toxic masculinity
How Culture Affects Expressiveness
Cultural background significantly influences communication. For example, men taught to avoid vulnerability or hold biases due to cultural norms like toxic masculinity may not learn that expressing emotions is healthy, keeping them from opening up.
If your partner won’t open up about expressing emotions, they’re more likely to avoid mental health treatment, too. Issues like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse may be seen as weaknesses.
While happiness, sadness, anger, and fear are universal emotions, cultural norms vary. In Japanese culture, for instance, displaying strong negative emotions publicly is less common than in American culture.
Research shows that cultural differences in expressing emotions also affect how emotions are experienced. One study found that less-expressive individuals from Beijing and more expressive individuals from Los Angeles experienced emotions differently.
The study showed that expressiveness influenced how feelings were constructed through the senses. Cultural customs not only affect emotional expression but also shape individuals’ understanding of their feelings.
Ways To Encourage Your Partner to Open Up
Fortunately, there are strategies to create an open, supportive environment. By modeling emotional communication, encouraging your partner, and being responsive when they do share, they may gradually open up and share their thoughts.
Use Positive Body Language
You can create a comfortable environment for conversations, says Dr. Amy E. Keller, doctor of psychology in psychoanalysis, LMFT, and couples’ therapist, by paying attention and through touch.
Amy Keller, LMFT
One formula that I coach clients to use with unresponsive partners is to speak softly, make sure you have direct eye contact, and touch their arms in a loving way.
— Amy Keller, LMFT
Dr. Amy (as she prefers to be called) doesn’t stop there. She says, “While smiling, use phrases like ‘Just indulge me. I would like to get to know you better and I am curious about the importance of going to your boss’s son’s baseball game every week. Tell me how this serves you and I will do my best to understand and support you.'”
Remind Them You’re Not Criticizing
Dr. Amy added that you can also reassure your significant other by saying, “This is not an attack or judgment. I really just want to hear your thoughts about (fill-in-the-blank).”
It’s okay to tell your partner you’re frustrated and share your feelings with your partner. But if they feel they’re being judged, they might shut down. What if you are being critical and don’t want to be?
“Learning how to recognize when you’re being judgmental is the first step. Then, we can shift our thinking. This is a core component of many skills and mental health treatments, like dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT) and mindfulness,” said Amy Morin, LCSW, in her podcast on becoming less judgmental. Morin is a therapist, author, and Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. Her Ted-X talk, The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong, has been viewed more than 15 million times.
Normalize Sharing of Emotions in Conversations
Model healthy sharing by communicating your feelings. Set the standard so you share feelings regularly. Once your partner starts to open up, actively listen (instead of scrolling through your phone). Be sure to use cognitive and emotional empathy.
It’s best not to discuss the issue in the middle of an argument. Choose a quiet time in which both you and your partner are relaxed.
Be Responsive To Encourage Your Partner to Open Up
Knowing your way of responding influences whether your partner will bottle up their feelings or not. Not much research has explored interpersonal processes that facilitate or inhibit emotional expression. That is until a 2020 study looked at the impact of perceived partner responsiveness and found that it encouraged emotional expression.
The research used two different studies (a daily diary and a lab experiment). Overall, the results showed that believing your partner to be responsive led to higher levels of emotional expression. This finding was true for both positive and negative emotional expression, even when controlling for gender and other relationship features.
In other words, when people feel that their partner is understanding, supportive, and attentive, they are most likely to open up about their feelings—both the positive and the negative.
Takeaway
It takes time for people to learn how to open up, but there are strategies you can use to make it easier for your partner. If your partner still won’t share their feelings and your disappointment has led to resentment, seek out the help of a therapist for yourself or both of you.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al. Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920
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Immordino-Yang MH, Yang XF, Damasio H. Cultural modes of expressing emotions influence how emotions are experienced. Emotion. 2016;16(7):1033-1039. doi:10.1037/emo0000201
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Ruan Y, Reis HT, Clark MS, Hirsch JL, Bink BD. Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion. 2020;20(3):329-342. doi:10.1037/emo0000650
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