Key Takeaways
- Feeling lonely in a relationship is common and can happen even when you’re with others.
- Reasons for loneliness can include not sharing your worries with your partner or trying to fill a void unrelated to the relationship.
- Signs of loneliness include lacking communication, avoiding time together, and feeling sad when near your partner.
You don’t have to be socially isolated to feel lonely. You might be in a long-term relationship or even in a family with many siblings. You might live in a shared house with friends and still feel alone.
Loneliness is a negative state in which you feel discomfort or social pain. You may feel alone, empty, or possibly even unwanted. It’s not unusual to feel lonely in a crowd or with a loved one. This feeling of social isolation often takes place even if you’re among other people.
The fact is that you can experience loneliness despite being in a romantic relationship. In these cases, feeling lonely might seem to make no sense, especially if you feel alone as you sit at the dinner table next to your significant other. That’s because loneliness is a feeling and a perception.
So, let’s look at why some people may feel lonely while in a relationship and tips for dealing with that feeling.
Loneliness Is on the Rise
According to recent research, loneliness is a public health problem. In addition, the global pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness in America and can cause premature mortality.
A new Harvard report suggests that 36% of Americans feel profound loneliness, including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children. Moreover, since the outbreak of the pandemic with its many restrictions and lockdowns, loneliness has increased substantially.
It’s often a challenge for couples when one person feels lonely in the relationship, and sometimes, both partners feel isolated. Fortunately, there are solutions to this problem.
Are You Feeling Lonely? Take the Test
This fast and free loneliness test can help you analyze your current emotions and determine whether or not you may be feeling lonely at the moment:
This loneliness quiz was medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS.
Reasons You May Feel Lonely While in a Relationship
If you feel lonely, maybe one of you has pulled back. Or both of you have drifted apart and aren’t as close as you used to be. Situational pressures like spending more time taking care of children or spending late evening hours on work projects might cause a rift between couples.
You might be too tired to reconnect for intimacy. You might feel too pressured (or tired) to meet someone else’s needs. It’s important to figure out what is causing your feelings and to be honest with yourself.
If you feel lonely while in a relationship, you might not be sharing your fears, worries, and vulnerabilities with your partner. Or you might be relying too much on your significant other to help you find meaning in life during trying times.
Another reason you might feel lonely even though you’re in a relationship is that you are trying to fill a void that has nothing to do with the relationship. This void might be something that your partner cannot reasonably be expected to fill for you.
Signs of Loneliness in a Relationship
Here are some things that might indicate feelings of loneliness in a relationship:
- If you feel lonely even when you are in physical proximity to your partner, you know something is off.
- If you notice that your communication is lacking and you’re sad and disappointed, that’s a sign.
- If you’re no longer eager to share stories about your everyday life (that includes work, family, and friends) with your partner, that might be a red flag.
- If you stopped having sex, that’s another sign that all is not right.
- If you seek to avoid time with your partner and tell your best friend that things are not working, it might be wise to pause and consider what’s going on.
Impact of Loneliness
While it may seem like no big deal, researchers have found that loneliness is a risk factor for chronic health conditions. When you’re feeling lonely, cortisol increases. This is not good because having more of the stress hormone can hinder your mental performance, impact your immune system, and increase your risk for inflammation and heart disease.
The price you pay for loneliness might include a range of serious physical and emotional problems, including depression, anxiety, alcohol or drug abuse, and domestic abuse. Loneliness has also been implicated in premature death.
Limiting Social Media May Help
Many of us are spending an inordinate amount of time on Snapchat, Twitter, and Instagram, and we don’t even realize it. Although social media is a viable way to connect us when we can’t be together, it’s become clear that living more on our phones than in real life has negative consequences.
In a study called “Social Media Use and Perceived Social Isolation Among Young Adults in the U.S.,” published in The American Journal of Preventive Medicine, heavy social media users felt more socially isolated. This does not bode well as they form relationships and mature.
With the prevalence of social media, young adults and others are constantly viewing images of happy couples having fun all over the globe. It’s natural to compare yourself and your partner to these people, especially as you go through rough times.
You might become jealous or feel like you or your relationship is lacking. But you’re looking at superficial images and only the sanitized and filtered version of real life.
Research suggests that how you use social media can have a big impact on how it makes you feel. If you’re using it as a way to maintain relationships, one study found that it can actually leave you feeling lonelier. So if you’re turning to social media as a way to connect with your partner (or other people in your life), try reaching out in some other way. Give them a call and plan an activity together.
Another surprising way to improve your relationship? Go to bed at the same time and not scroll through your phones. When one partner seems distracted by their phone, the other feels less valued and cared for.
How to Alleviate Loneliness in a Relationship
If you’ve been feeling lonely in your relationship, here are ways to work through those feelings. It can be a painful and isolating experience, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. Talking about what you are feeling is a good first step so that you can work together to nurture a closer, stronger connection.
Discuss Your Feelings With Your Significant Other
The first step is to share how you’ve been feeling. Remind the other person you’re not blaming or criticizing in any way, but want to share your feelings. Then share that you are really lonely. Maybe you both need to make changes.
Or this might be attributable to some feelings you have that predate the relationship and that you need to address yourself.
Take a Break From Social Media
Instead of texting your partner, make a phone call. Or better yet, meet up with them for a quick drink at your favorite café. The goal here is to really *connect* with your partner, not just check in.
Do Something Nice for Them
If your partner loves history, buy them a book about the Civil War. Or offer to drive the kids for ice cream after school so your partner, who works from home, can take a break and play a video game for a little while.
Volunteer
Sometimes, the best way to feel connected is to work together on something you both care a lot about. Think about others and give back. Research has shown that volunteering can help reduce feelings of loneliness.
For example, if you love animals, maybe both of you can volunteer at an animal shelter. Or reach out to see if you can work together on building a house for Habitat for Humanity.
Hug Your Partner
Be physically affectionate. When you hug your partner, oxytocin (often called the “cuddle hormone”) is released. One study found that experiencing physical touch was associated with decreased feelings of loneliness.
When you touch one another, you’ll feel a sense of closeness. You’ll also gain deeper feelings of connection, bonding, and trust.
Nurture Other Relationships
Call your buddy or spend time with your sister. Remember to nurture your other important relationships. You’ll be reminded that you love others and that you are loved.
Try Couple’s Therapy
By speaking to a couple’s therapist, you can learn proven skills to bring you closer together. Lean on this professional to guide you personally or together on ways to not feel isolated inside a relationship.
