When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage

It can be devastating when you think you’ve found the perfect partner and your parents disapprove of them. If you’re close to your parents, you want their approval of your marriage. But you also want to remain loyal to the person you’re committing to spending the rest of your life with. The upshot: You’re torn with a capital T.

Don’t use emotional blackmail on your parents to get them to come around—even if there’s a pregnancy involved and/or you’re a minor who needs their legal consent to marry. Try to understand your folks’ willingness to be disliked by you as a sign of their love for you. Realize that if you and your partner are truly in love, waiting a few years to get married won’t destroy your love for one another.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the reasons why your parents might disapprove of your relationship and some of the ways you might consider and respond to their input. We’ll also explore how to cope with parental disapproval while making your relationship work.

Why Your Parents Disapprove of Your Relationship

Some reasons why your parents might disapprove of your partner include:

• Concern that your partner is not right for you
• Worries about your safety and well-being
• Concerns about behaviors or interactions they have observed
• Jealousy
• Disapproval of marrying someone from a different cultural or religious background
• A lack of boundaries

Sometimes parental disapproval is rooted in genuine concerns. In other cases, dislike might stem from personality differences. But it can also result from dysfunctional family relationships.

Poor parental boundaries might also contribute to their disapproval of your relationship. In such cases, creating and enforcing clear boundaries may help.

Regardless of the reasons, research has shown that parental disapproval of relationships can take a toll on your marriage.

One older study found that parental interference actually increased feelings of love between couples, a phenomenon that researchers dubbed the “Romeo and Juliet effect”. Some more recent studies have found that approval from social networks may act as a buffer against family disapproval.

However, older research has indicated that disapproval from family and friends generally hurts relationship satisfaction, quality, and outcomes. 

Addressing this disapproval and finding ways to cope with it can be important for the health and future of your relationship with your partner. Here are a few tactics you might try to help your parents feel more comfortable with your partner.

Talk (and Listen) to Your Parents

Although it can be challenging, it’s important to have an open conversation with your parents about why they disapprove of your partner or marriage. Listen to their concerns calmly and respectfully.

Your parents might not have had a chance to get to know your partner, or their opposition might be based on a misunderstanding. If you can identify the issue, you may reassure them that your partner is a suitable spouse.

There’s also the possibility that your parents have valid concerns. It could be due to past behavior from your partner, such as cheating or being overly controlling. Consider these concerns seriously and discuss them with a trusted friend or family member to get their perspective as well.

You may not like what your parents say about your significant other. But unless you have strong evidence otherwise (for instance, maybe they’re prejudiced against people of your partner’s race or religion), give them the benefit of the doubt. Their advice comes from a place of love and protection.

Help Your Parents Get to Know Your Partner

Spending more time together might help your parents feel more comfortable with your partner. Look for opportunities to invite them to dinner, a religious service, or a sporting event.

Encourage your partner to share childhood memories, dreams, and goals so your parents can get to know them better. Observing your relationship can reassure them that your significant other is a committed and supportive life partner—someone they can welcome into the family.

Consider Counseling

An objective third party, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist or clergy member, may be helpful in guiding discussions and mediating concerns. Counseling can provide a neutral space for all parties to express their feelings and work toward understanding.

Another option: You and your partner might agree to attend premarital counseling or an “Engaged Encounter” weekend. This may help alleviate your parents’ fears that you’re marrying too quickly, marrying for the wrong reasons, marrying too young, or marrying the wrong person.

Plan for the Future

If your parents continue to disapprove even after your marriage, talk about the boundaries and limits you both need to set in your relationship with your parents. It’s important that their disapproval doesn’t become a wedge between you and your spouse.

Decide together, for instance, whether or not your spouse will attend your family gatherings or visit your parents with you. But don’t allow your spouse to distance you from your parents.

You may choose to attend functions and events alone (or with your children) in order to protect your spouse. But if your partner isolates you from friends and family, that is a red flag in your marriage.

Tactics to Avoid

Don’t allow your parents’ reservations to destroy your relationship with your fiance or spouse. Studies show that parental disapproval of a spouse can create distrust, criticism, and conflict in a marriage. It can also be a recurring topic of your arguments that can drive a wedge between you both. If this happens, consider seeing a marriage counselor. 

Don’t permit the conflict to escalate to the point of destroying your relationship with your parents. Consider the consequences of a long-term estrangement from your parents and possibly your grandparents, siblings, and other extended family members. Realize that holding grudges and anger can harm your own health as well.

Takeaways

A parent who disapproves of your partner choice is not a new concept. It is, however, a painful one. Don’t expect your parents to embrace someone who has an addiction, is dependent on you, hurts you in any way, or treats you with disrespect. But if there are concerns that can be ironed out, you and your partner as a team can do your part to improve the situation.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

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2. Bradford AB, Drean L, Sandberg JG, Johnson LN. They may disapprove, but I still love you: Attachment behaviors moderate the effect of social disapproval on ,arital relationship quality. Fam Process. 2019. doi:10.1111/famp.12519

3. Driscoll R, Davis KE, Lipetz ME. Parental interference and romantic love: the Romeo and Juliet effect. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1972;24(1):1-10. doi:10.1037/h0033373

4. Sinclair HC, Ellithorpe CN. The new story of Romeo and Juliet. In: Agnew CR, ed. Social Influences on Romantic Relationships. 1st ed. Cambridge University Press; 2014:148-170. doi:10.1017/CBO9781139333610.010

5. Felmlee DH. No couple is an island: a social network perspective on dyadic stability. Social Forces. 2001;79(4):1259-1287. doi:10.1353/sof.2001.0039

6. Reczek C. Parental disapproval and gay and lesbian relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues. 2016;37(15):2189-2212. doi:10.1177/0192513X14566638

By Sheri Stritof

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She’s the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

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