Key Takeaways
- While opposites may attract, most lasting relationships are built on similarities.
- Differences can be exciting at first, but they may lead to conflicts later on.
- Similarities in values and interests are important for a long-term relationship.
Why do opposites attract? It’s a question you might ask yourself if you’ve ever found yourself drawn to someone completely different than you. The idea that we are drawn to our opposites is mostly a myth.
The reality is that while sometimes we are attracted to people who are significantly different from us, solid relationships tend to be built on shared connections and similarities. Opposities do sometimes attract, especially when in comes to initial sexual chemistry. You can learn from dating someone different from you, but there’s also a lot more potential for conflict.
This article discusses why people who are wildly different from one another find themselves attracted to each other, the pros and cons of dating your opposite, and what really makes a relationship last past that initial phase of attraction.
Why Do We Believe That Opposites Attract?
The phrase “opposites attract” is popular, but what is the psychology behind it?
The idea suggests that, like magnets, people are drawn to their polar opposites.
For example, in old romantic movies, the shy character might fall for the outgoing one. This pairing might seem like a good match because each can positively influence the other.
Consider a college student who is academically focused. Pairing this student with a more social, outgoing peer might seem beneficial. The diligent student could improve the other’s study habits, while the social student might encourage more fun activities.
However, this conclusion is misleading. Research shows that complementary personalities do not necessarily lead to stronger or healthier relationships.
As a result, we erroneously conclude that complementary personalities make for better, stronger, healthier relationships. Scientific evidence has proven, however, that this is not true.
Why Do Opposite Attract in Relationships?
There are a few reasons why you might be drawn to someone different from you.
Excitement
Initially, opposites might attract because they seem new and exciting. For example, you might be an accountant and find yourself drawn to a professional snowboarder.
Alternatively, someone might captivate you because they represent something forbidden, like coming from a different socio-economic background than what your family expects.
Sexual Chemistry
Upon first meeting, the physical chemistry might be off the charts. This might be evidence of lust. Strong sexual desire in and of itself can be healthy. It can also keep the flames of passion stoked in a long-term relationship.
But lust without emotions, intimacy, and commonalities does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. According to scientific studies discussed below, neither does staying with our opposites.
Lack of Early Conflict
At the beginning of a relationship, differences may enhance a couple’s appeal. These differences can seem intriguing before they become obstacles.
However, being with someone who is very different from you can lead to challenges later on.
If your current flame or partner is your opposite, it will make for a more difficult road ahead.
What About Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives?
Sexual satisfaction and frequency are important for healthy, long-term relationships. However, having different sexual needs is common and has been linked to poorer relationship outcomes in the past.
Recent research, involving 366 couples, suggests that having a higher level of desire is more crucial than matching desires exactly. Couples don’t always need to be synchronized in terms of sexual mood, and that’s perfectly fine.
Focusing on increasing desire and addressing differences can lead to better sexual and relationship satisfaction.
Pros and Cons of Dating Your Opposite
Let’s take a look at some of the pros and cons of dating someone who is your opposite.
Pros
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You may learn to compromise
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You can learn how to be more patient and empathetic
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There may be greater opportunity to learn new things
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The excitement may be more intense
Cons
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Might not be sustainable long term if excitement wears off
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More potential for disagreements
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Requires better and more frequent communication
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You may find you both have widely differing lifestyles and goals
The Pros of Dating Your Opposite
To be sure, there are benefits of being in a relationship with somebody who is your opposite. For instance, people who have type A personalities might calm down and feel less pressured by coming home to type B personalities with more laid-back traits.
Other ways you may benefit for a while from being with your opposite include:
- Their strengths complement your weaknesses and vice versa
- You’ll get more comfortable with compromise
- You’ll teach each other new things
- You’ll stretch your understanding and empathy muscles
- You’ll keep the passion alive more easily
- You’ll find more balance
- You’ll increase your tolerance level
- You’ll gain more patience
The Cons of Dating Your Opposite
The drawbacks of opposites uniting date back to early research. In one older study, timid, verbally inhibited participants were paired with critical, assertive partners. The study showed that although they might have been attracted at first, the relationship quality suffered as it matured over time. The pairings became unsustainable.
The study consisted of timid, inhibited males alienated by strong critical females. At the time of the study, society’s reluctance to honor assertive females may have come into play (the study was published in 2003).
Further studies conducted by The Gottman Institute noted that adding criticism and contempt into the mix by any gender can prove destructive to any relationship. Nevertheless, the study revealed that opposite pairings were unsustainable.
We also know the limitations of pairing opposites through other studies. For example, if another’s face is similar to your own, you’re more likely to deem that person trustworthy, according to an article published in the journal Psychological Science.
That suggests that if someone looks like us, we are more likely to trust them, and if they don’t appear similar to us, we consider their character not as desirable.
Recently, psychologists analyzed the combined results of over 240 studies in one. They, too, found that similar partnerships scored the highest. Similarities fell into the areas of values, attitudes, personality traits, and interests.
Without similarities, it seems like partnerships fall apart. For example, suppose one person in the relationship is ambitious and has certain life goals and the other person is free-spirited and doesn’t have the same values. In that case, the relationship likely won’t work in the long run.
Similarities Foster Stronger Relationships
Michael Kosinki, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business coordinates a global collaboration between more than 100 universities studying Facebook digital footprints of 8 million people. He co-authored a study published in the journal Psychological Science.
By analyzing the digital footprints people left on Facebook—their likes and what they posted about—evidence showed birds of a feather do flock together.
Most people interact with others who are similar to them online. As humans, we tend to gravitate toward those more like us.
Partners who are opposite to you in certain aspects like in their taste in music or favorite foods can enhance a relationship for sure. And in the short term, opposites can work in relationships.
Just keep in mind that if partners aren’t in alignment regarding many important aspects of a relationship, it just might not last.
What This Means For You
Before entering a relationship, check to see if your core values, attitudes, personality traits, interests, and goals are in sync. Based on solid science, relationships are more likely to flourish if you’re engaged with someone similar.
