Key Takeaways
- Talk to your partner about your feelings and insecurities to make your relationship stronger.
- Write in a journal about when you feel insecure to better understand your triggers.
- Think about going to a therapist to get help for your insecurities.
Insecurity involves feeling inadequate, due to a lack of self-confidence. It can cause you to doubt your abilities, instincts, and relationships, making it difficult for you to believe in yourself and trust others.
Insecurity can be a painful and difficult emotion to experience. It can take a toll on your mental health as well as your relationships.
This article explores the signs, causes, and consequences of insecurity in relationships and suggests strategies to help you cope.
Signs of Insecurity in Relationships
In romantic relationships, insecurity can drive you to unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, which can include:
- Incessantly checking up on your partner if you’re not with them to determine their whereabouts
- Not trusting your partner to stay faithful to you and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you
- Feeling jealous of all the other people in their life and resenting the other people they are close to
- Not taking your partner at their word and wanting to verify everything they tell you
- Feeling like your partner may break up with you at any time
- Fishing for compliments and validation to try and feel more secure
Causes of Insecurity in Relationships
These are some of the potential causes of insecurity in relationships, according to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.
An Unpleasant Previous Relationship
People who have been in unhealthy relationships where their partner was untrustworthy or treated them poorly, might hold onto those emotions and carry them into their new relationships.
People who have experienced this often project their unresolved trauma or emotional baggage onto their new partner without adequate justification.
Low Self-Confidence
People with low self-confidence may experience insecurity in their relationships because they may not believe they are worthy of the love or support of their partner.
Low self-confidence can often be traced back to experiences like being bullied, teased, or abused in childhood. These experiences can send the message that the person is not good enough, which can affect their confidence and take a toll on their relationships.
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Neglect or Mistreatment
People who have experienced chronic neglect or mistreatment tend to have insecurities in their relationships because they have had few occasions where their needs have been adequately met.
When they do find fulfilling and healthy relationships, this might spark their fear of loss, because love was never guaranteed or freely given in the past.
Social Anxiety
While many people experience some degree of social anxiety in situations like meetings, parties, dates, and large gatherings, some people have more severe forms that can affect their self-confidence in relationships.
Social anxiety can cause you to be overly critical of yourself and make it difficult for you to trust your partner’s actions and intentions.
Fear of Rejection
Fear of rejection can cause people to experience insecurity in a relationship. Having low self-confidence can make some people more sensitive to rejection. Even minor setbacks or perceived slights can trigger their worst fears and insecurities.
Impact of Insecurity in Relationships
Below, Dr. Romanoff explains how insecurity can affect your mental health as well as your relationship with your partner.
Impact on Mental Health
Insecurity impacts your mental health because, at the core, you believe you are not worthy or deserving of love and care. This will affect your romantic relationships as well as your relationships with your friends, co-workers, children, and family members.
Because you are constantly questioning your self-worth, you might accept poor or abusive treatment from others, which reinforces your belief that you are unworthy based on your relationships.
Impact on Relationships
Insecurity impacts your relationship by creating an imbalance. You become more preoccupied with what your partner is not providing and instead demand reassurance or validation for your insecurities.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Ultimately, insecurity works like a self-fulfilling prophecy because your fear of losing your partner can cause you to behave defensively and drive them away.
— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
How to Reduce Insecurity in Relationships
So what can you do to stop feeling insecure in your relationships? Dr. Romanoff suggests some strategies that can help you cope and feel more secure:
- Identify your triggers: Become more self-aware about situations that trigger your insecurity. Track topics or areas that prompt feelings of insecurity so you can begin to identify the problems you need to work on.
- Communicate with your partner: Engage in more open communication about your insecurities, how they arise in your relationship, and ways you can begin to work on them.
- Express how you feel: Aim to share your feelings with your partner without blaming them. For instance, instead of saying “You stress me out because…” say “I sometimes get stressed because…”
- Listen to your partner: Make an effort to listen to your partner with an open mind, so you can understand their perspective as well.
- Try journaling: It can be helpful to maintain a journal where you write down your thoughts when you feel insecure. The exercise can help you identify situations that trigger your insecurity. You could even undertake a couples journaling exercise, to help build trust between you and your partner.
- Consider going to a therapist: While insight and open communication are essential, sometimes you need perspective from a trained outside source to fully grasp how your insecurity is linked to more complex dynamics. In turn, your therapist can work with you to cope with your insecurity.
Get Help Now
We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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American Psychology Association. Insecurity. Dictionary of Psychology.
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Weber S, Petriglieri G. To overcome your insecurity, recognize where it really comes from. Harvard Business Review.
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Lo CKM, Chan KL, Ip P. Insecure adult attachment and child maltreatment: a meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. 2019;20(5):706-719. doi:10.1177/1524838017730579
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